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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

House Party Pooper & social anxiety - WWYD?

24 replies

KBabs · 14/04/2015 15:51

hi there, was unsure where to put this thread so apologies if it is in the wrong place. The reason I wanted to post in Relationships is that it concerns my DP and I've been getting increasingly anxious...

DP wants to have a house party to celebrate his upcoming birthday.
I am quite introverted, regard our home as a sanctuary from the outside world so would rather have a celebration at an external venue rather than in our home.

I am trying to prepare to "suck this up" however some of the people he wants to invite are people I do not particularly enjoy the company of.

Our home is semi-detached, not very big, I dislike lots of noise and the last time he had a "do" at our place, people were still around at 3am and house and garden were a complete mess afterwards. From my perspective, it was horrible! At one point I tried to turn the music down to be considerate to my neighbours and one of his "guests" told me to lighten up.

I don't think it is going to be any better this time around, already I am feeling full of dread, based on the previous event. The guests will most likely be the same ones. Would it be better for me to excuse myself for the evening and check into a hotel/stay overnight at a sympathetic friends place?

So far I've suggested the following options:

(1) External hosted venue with DJ & bbq/buffet etc
(2) Host at home but starting earlier in the day and finishing earlier in the evening (4pm- midnight) with food to offset the drinking
(3) Don't have any friends with suitable alternative hosting venues!

All have been met with groans/ eye rolling by OH reasons being - why have it at a dedicated venue as won't be able to have it as late as his friends would like it to be on for.

Unfortunately my idea of not being 'there' and excusing myself might cause potential drama so I feel rather stuck.

Has anyone got any suggestions/coping strategies? I've tried reasoning with him, he thinks I am being OTT about the degree of anxiety I am feeling and is minimising my concerns. I don't want to stop him celebrating but at this rate it feels like I am in opposition. This issue is now causing tensions between us in that we are quite different in this regard.

Thanks for reading this far, any suggestions from the collective hive would be most welcome!

OP posts:

MyArksNotReady · 14/04/2015 15:55

I would not want people in my home who had no respect for it or me.

OhNoNotMyBaby · 14/04/2015 15:59

Your OH is being a total knob. It's perfectly OK to not want to have a party in your own house, and for him to be so insistent despite your anxieties is just selfish, inconsiderate, rude etc etc.

I would insist on either spending the night away, or having the party in an external venue - both of which you've already suggested, I know. Give him the 2 options again and make him choose.

CtrlAltDelicious · 14/04/2015 16:01

Hi wouldn't have this kind of party at my home. Being told to lighten up in my own home would infuriate me! Your suggestions are more than reasonable.

UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 16:02

How old is he? 15?
You have social anxiety, are scared of the idea of having a house party, and he's rolling his eyes? He's a twat.

Damnautocorrect · 14/04/2015 16:11

I wouldn't want them in my home either.
To me there's two choices, you go away for the night and come back to a clean house the next day or it's at a venue.
I don't think your DH is being very nice forcing this on you

Jan45 · 14/04/2015 16:14

I can kinda see it from both points of view, but then I've had quite a few house parties and love them, you clearly don't so you both have to reach a compromise, I think your suggestion about having a do outside with a DJ is a good alternative, why doesn't he like that?

As for someone saying lighten up, they were no doubt drunk, I wouldn't take it personally, it happens at parties, there's always a couple of twats there trying to turn up the volume.

It really sounds like you are dreading folk in your home and that is your prerogative, I don't get why having a party outside is not good enough for him.

Why don't one of his friends host it then if it is not late enough outside?

hellsbellsmelons · 14/04/2015 16:18

I agree with Damn
He has 2 choices and that's it.
You shouldn't have to 'suck' anything up.
He should be considerate to your anxiety.
Like me, no doubt, he's never suffered with it so doesn't understand it.
I don't have any anxiety and I would never allow a party a my house.
We have a good few venues around that would be free or very low cost so why would I want my house trashed?
Seriously, 2 choices and he chooses.
Don't let this be on you.

shovetheholly · 14/04/2015 16:35

Awww, I definitely think you should host it outside the home. I understand completely what you mean about it being a sanctuary. I am the same. It is additionally a massive amount of work clearing up after a party and it sounds like this would very much fall on you, not him.

I also think it is very bad policy to pee off neighbours with late night racket when you need to live with them for years and may therefore need a favour one day!

You can get some lovely external venues. Most places will do it for free if you drop a bit of cash on some food, and a nice buffet isn't that expensive. Also, many pubs have a very late licence these days so will open til 12 or 1, which should be plenty late enough. Honestly, I thought people grew out of staying up til 4am in their late 20s when work pressures start!

AlisonSmithers · 14/04/2015 17:19

Maybe one of his many friends can open up their home for the event.

KillmeNow · 14/04/2015 17:31

Beaten to it by AlisonSmithers . :)

See which one of his friends is willing to host the party - especially one as late as some of them want it to be. Then if you have to attend- and to be honest it doesnt sound like a party I would willingly attend-you could always get away at an earlier time to the peace of your own home.

MyArksNotReady · 14/04/2015 19:14

I would push to have the party at the home of the one who told you to lighten up, and turn up the music full wack.

operaha · 14/04/2015 21:29

I like a party as much as dp, but I don't like people getting wasted and still being here in the middle of the night.
as a compromise for his birthday soon, we're hosting an afternoon bbq (fooooood) and then come 8/9 o clock, we are moving the party to a nearby pub. that way we can be home in bed by 11
But fortunately me n him have similar feelings on these things. However, he would be totally understanding in your situation, I think it's really mean that your dp isn't considering your feelings

woowoo22 · 14/04/2015 21:50

Is he 12? Poor you. Sounds shite. And I love a party! But only when the guests are not knobs.

Jackw · 14/04/2015 22:08

And you are right, it is totally unreasonable to expect neighbours to put up with loud music beyond about 11.00pm, earlier if they have children trying to sleep. That in fact is more anti-social than not enjoying house parties.

TheCowThatLaughs · 14/04/2015 22:14

I'd be a bit pissed off actually if I had a house and wasn't allowed to have a party in it. I can see the op's point too though. Difficult one.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2015 22:32

Thing is, it's his house too. And his birthday.
OP, are you having treatment for your anxiety? I ask this, not only because having treatment for any troubling condition is good for the person suffering from it, but also, if your DP is otherwise nice, he may be getting a bit narked over the party because he is starting to feel that the rest of your lives together are going to consist of him not being able to do what he wants because you will have an anxiety attack.
Also, and please note that I am not in any way suggesting that anxiety or depression are not real conditions - I am fully aware that lots of people suffer mental health problems, and that they are very real and very distressing to live with. However, there are also some people who's 'mental health problems' are a bit convenient in that the problem always strikes the minute the person isn't gettting his/her own way - there have been a fair few threads on here in the past from women whose lazy, selfish or abusive partners have claimed to have depression with no diagnosis and no treatment, and this depression only ever affects them when it's suggested they might put themselves out for someone else. And what this can cause sometimes in partners who are not experts in mental health care, is irritation and resentment of someone who is genuinely ill.

blueberrypie0112 · 14/04/2015 22:37

I always hate having parties. The mess you have to deal with after is a pain. Hopefully he will clean up after it since he rejected all other suggestions. But it is his birthday, right?

But who throws a birthday party for himself?

blueberrypie0112 · 14/04/2015 22:39

Do you have kids? It is usually not good to have a house full of drunk adults around them. Especially is the house is small.

blueberrypie0112 · 14/04/2015 22:46

If you unable to compromise with him, maybe you should leave him. Relationship is not a one way street.

elsabelle · 14/04/2015 22:53

I'm quite anxious person and this'd be my idea of a nightmare too OP. Even if i did stay, i'd be constantly worrying about noise / neighbours / drunken craziness and i wouldnt be able to have fun!

If i was in your shoes, i'd try hard to persuade him to do what a PP suggested - an afternoon boozy bbq at home, then everyone on to a pub. Failing that i'd go and stay at a friends for the night an leave him to get on with it.

JaceyBee · 14/04/2015 22:58

I agree with SGB: it is his house too. It's only one night, what's the worst that could happen? You feel anxious and uncomfortable, not pleasant but hardly life threatening. And there's some mess to clean up, annoying yes but again over in a day and no harm done (hopefully anyway!)

Treatment for your anxiety would be a good idea, could you ask you GP for a referral for counselling/CBT?

violetwellies · 15/04/2015 07:36

No, no, no, no my idea of hell, 30 years ago it would have been me organising the party.
It's a nightmare if you're really not into it and I think you're being more than reasonable with the alternative suggestions.

redskirt · 15/04/2015 07:58

Oooh I posted a very similar op a couple of months ago.

My advice is to say no to having it at your home. He really should respect that.

Glittergirl123 · 15/04/2015 08:35

He's behaving really immature and acting as if his plans for his birthday are far more important than you being able to feel comfortable in your own home. You've had a house party once and you didn't like that, that should be enough really- Nevermind the anxiety you have ontop of this. Have you sat down and explained your anxiety and how these parties make you feel?
You've offered a nice alternative to go to a venue and I would prefer that option , speak to him and find out why he doesn't want a venue? Let him pick it and then he can't complain. This is your home aswell so he cannot force you into having a party if you don't feel comfortable .

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