My ex left me at 36 weeks pregnant now he wants to meet what should I do?

[ADavid94]

To cut long story short my ex left me properly when I just coming up to 36 weeks. He'd been needing 'space' on off since I was 28 weeks pregnant. But would always be fine again and say sorry then we'd be ok.

In the end I just said to him straight up what was going on cause I couldn't take it anymore. He admitted that he didn't know what he wanted. He said couldn't help how he felt but right now didn't want to be with me.

During the weeks before he admitted this he'd tell me to leave him for a few days I wouldn't hear anything from him. He would go out do want he wanted not ask about he baby once and I just cried. Before this he'd always go on about how we'd be a family and stuff so it was a shock.

He hasnt saved any money for the baby or bought it anything. He only gave me £200 to buy things I got everything else myself. He is 24 but still lived at home where as I'm 20 but have had my own place since I was 16.

He was good at the start but then starting going out every weekend Friday and Saturday. He wouldn't come home till 10am sometimes. He has basically blanked me or gave me abuse when I did try to contact him about the baby he says he's only concerned about he baby but he hasn't shown it. So I just left him and stopped trying.

Now I got a phonecall today asking if we could meet up and talk tomorrow and I'm not sure what to do? I'm due literally in a few days and I don't know what there is left to talk about.

should I meet him or just stop all contact except for things with the baby obviously. I'd never stop him seeing his son but I would never make him see him if he didn't make an effort.

I was really heartbroken at the start when this all happened but I think the baby has gave me strength. I don't want to put the baby through anything else but I also wanted a family so much.

I do love my ex but I'm just not sure after how he's been what I should do...

Give the child your name it will make you life so much simpler over the years. He will still be as much of a father as he choses to be.

Tell the hospital/midwife you do not want him there and are afraid he will turn up/kick off. They will keep him away.

He has no right to be at the birth.

Birth certificate is a difficult one. He has to be with you for you to add his name so you need to weigh up his being an argumentative price there to get his way over the name. He can always get himself added later if he wants.

I am sure you can work out the weird autocorrect.

Are your friends and family supportive of you? If they are, get them on board and tell your midwife that you have split up with the father, that he is emotionally abusive and you do not want him in the labour ward. If he were to find out and try to barge in, a couple of big hospital security guards would be only too happy to remove him.
I would also recommend you email him along the lines of 'You will be informed when the baby is born. I will contact you via email. Until then I do not wish to hear from you and will regard any attempt to contact me as harassment.'
Because he shouldn't be trying to bully a pregnant woman and he has no legal rights at all to bother you at present.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate.
He will use the rights and responsibilities that gives him to manipulate you and control you for the next 18 years.
He can still step up and be a good dad without having his name on the BC.
He sounds like a load of trouble you don't need right now.

If I don't put him on the birth certificate is that not really bad? I feel guilty if I never just cause he left me is it fair to not put him on?

You are not married.
He abandoned you when you are pregnant.
He is manipulating and trying to control you.
You owe him nothing.
Make your life and your future easier and less stressful.
You don't have to put him on the birth certificate.
You are the very last person who should feel guilty.

I wouldnt put him in the B/C until he proved he actually wanted regular contact and involvement in your child's life. Otherwise he could fuck off but still have a control over a child, he has no contact with.

I would say that it is much fairer than telling someone you 'need space' and then leaving them when they are heavily pregnant, often with no means of contact.

I would also say it is fairer than having your baby stuck with the name of someone who may not be around in the future just because it might make him feel a bit awkward if they didn't have the same name.

You already have a baby on the way OP - you don't need to worry about this man acting like a selfish child - don't let him spoil this time for you and the first precious days and weeks with your newborn. Do what you want to do. As 3littlefrogs said, he can still step up and be a good day without his name on the BC. You can always change it in the future if he ever pulls himself together.

He is trying to control you with the comment he isn't going to feel like he is his son without his name .

He does not need to be informed that you are in labour. Tell your family/friends that he is NOT to be told anything until YOU decide after having given birth and at home.

A similar situation occurred with a family member of mine. She was young got pregnant and her boyfriend also older left her when she was five months pregnant. She gave her son her surname, as she had been given no support from him. This lack of support was quite indicative really; as the child grew, he rarely saw him tried to imply that he was not the father and gave no financial support what so ever! He was also not on the birth certficate because he didn't bother to go to the registration.

From reading your posts OP I am quite positive that your ex, doesn't give two hoots about you or his son....he is only interested in having his pride knocked if his son doesn't have his name.

His mum and stuff would be really upset if I didn't give the baby there last name. They haven't helped me during pregnancy but I think they all expect me to just forget about that and let them see the baby when they want.

They are the baby's family too but I'd rather not have contact with them since they have never asked about the baby even when I was with my ex. ive had no contact from any of his family apart from 1 phonecall from his mum after a month of nothing she still didn't ask about the baby but just wanted to make sure she would still get to see the baby when it's born. She said she didn't agree with what he was doing but wasn't taking sides.

You do what is right for you and your baby. If you don't want to give your son his fathers surname, then don't, it is totally up to you. You can name the father on the birth certificate, just give the baby your surname.

Your sons father gave up those rights when he dumped and abandoned you and his unborn child.

You must ignore their feelings. So what if they would be upset if he didn't have their surname.

She may not have agreed that he left you, but she has had plenty of time to forge a relationship with you prior to you giving birth. They cannot demand to see him...it's very much up to you (especially when he is very young). His mother has been very short sighted.

Don't worry about whether it's fair or not putting his name on the birth certificate. What utter rubbish is he coming out with to say the baby won't feel like his. Tell him he has to earn his place on the birth certificate by proving his worth as a good father!

His mum and stuff would be really upset if I didn't give the baby there last name
Who gives any shiny shite!???
It's not his mums baby, it's yours.
Please stop trying to appease people.
You are being far too considerate and nice to people who don't give a damn about you.
Do what is right for you.
It doesn't matter if they are upset.
So what!?
Time to find yourself and stop trying to please others.
I was married and kept both names for my DD (double-barrelled) her dad was unfaithful and buggered off. She can't wait to drop his name when she is 18.

As the saying goes:-
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure-which is: Try to please everybody

David Do what you want.

If you dont want him at the birth dont have him there.

You want him to have your surname, give him your surname.

Dont put him on the birth certificate until he proves himself.

Dont give a fuck about what others want, do want you want.

Dont chase these people about seeing your baby, wait for them to come to you.

They know where you are, they can do the hard work. You will have your baby to think about.

Oh, I wish I gave my DD my surname, despite the fact I was in a relationship with her father when she was born.

Really, OP, don't put him on the birth certificate. He could turn up at your child's school and walk off with him, for example. If he turns out to be a good father you can give him all the rights you want, but at least wait until he has proved himself.

My PIL were not happy that I didn't put her father on the birth cert and I was sorry about that because they were lovely, but they got over it and have been wonderful grandparents to her. Her father only came into his own when she became an adult, but that better than nothing and he wasn't able to mess us around before that.

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate!

If things DO improve later on, you can always change your baby's name by deed poll.

I think you are right about seeing a solicitor and asking them about rights/birth certificates etc.

I want to stress I am NOT a lawyer but have heard (on MN) different problems about children having different names from their mothers if, say the mother wants to take them abroad on holiday. I have also heard about problems with fathers who are named on the birth certificate being able to call the shots about all sorts of stuff and making the mother's life difficult whilst at the same time doing nothing to support her (except maybe paying cm which they then resent, so they take it out on the mother).

At present your baby's father has been little more than a sperm donor, his family haven't supported you so why on earth should they expect you to do what they want or give your child his name? Give the child your name, don't put him on the bc. I am not saying you should deny him access, but this should be to suit you - and will be very limited at first with a newborn.

Zombie thread

i personally would put his name on the birth certificate but keep your surname.

When your little boy grows up I would think he would feel better to have a father's name on his birth certificate. It somehow seems his birth was the result of a relationship and less of a casual affair. That's just how I would feel - that doesn't necessarily make it the right thing of course