Poor insecure DH and how to help him

[TropicalHorse]

My DH is insecure in a few aspects of his life. I'm no psychologist but his overly-critical, overly-invested narcissistic father almost certainly has something to do with this. FIL is currently staying with us so I've been seeing first hand how this dynamic has played out over DH's life. FIL is a nasty bully, basically, but with convincing 'genial old buffer' mask.
DH has recently been accepted into a fairly prestigious scholarship-only professional development course. It was really hard for him to even apply and I know he was really proud to have gotten in.
Today, after the second day of the course, he has come home a wreck. They had to do public speaking, which is not his forte, and he generally just feels much less articulate and able than the other participants. FIL harped on and on for DH to 'talk about what's bothering him' until, over dinner, DH cracked and poured his heart out about the course and how he feels he doesn't belong there, he's wasting resources that someone else could use, he'll never be as good as the others, etc.
Horrible FIL has pounced on this sign of weakness and suggested that DH is right, that he's always been a bit hopeless, that he's not smart enough for his profession, and numerous other really hurtful phrases. I told FIL (quite forcefully) that he was talking rubbish, to which he replied, "I think I know my son, thank you." I broke up the meal early and have been seething ever since, while DH is practically a puddle on the floor.
My poor DH grew up hero-worshipping this nasty prick and his word still carries a lot of weight. How can I help DH deal with his insecurity (apart from lots of positivity, which I always provide) and convince him that his father is just an emotionally abusive sociopath!?!

He had done a right number of your OH eh, you'd have thought by now your DH would realise what an absolute horrid man his father is, looks like he hasn't, hopefully he will take on board your comments above his, he should, you are his OH, his dad is the outsider here, in fact, why is he staying with you???

I'd be telling the genial old buffer to leave

I would be furious too!

Tell your dh that he would not have been given the scholarship if the people granting it did not think he was capable enough.

Tell him his father is threatened by his greatness and is showing it by putting him down.

Ask your dh to give the course another few months for you if nothing else.

I struggle with insecurity. What works for me is training /reading up on weaker areas- like public speaking - and therapy to get to the root of the problem. Would a pragmatic approach work with your dh? You can't change the tosspot father

So basically he badgered your DH for hours to open up and show some vulnerability, then pounced on that vulnerability like a seagull on a bin bag and had himself a nice meal of superiority? He obviously gets his kicks from keeping your DH in insecure child mode. This dynamic has doubtless been played out hundreds of times throughout his life.

I would kick the old cunt out right now. Fuck this "old duffer" rubbish. He can be as genial as he likes, he wouldn't get to talk like a mean bullying twat in my house.

Do you have kids?

What a horrible man. I cannot understand parents like that.

I've got a similar problem with my DH, minus the FIL.

It's really hard to deal with. I find that I have to give my DH a lot of reassurance. I also point out to him that no one in life does anyone any favours. Everything my DH has achieved is because of his own hard work and talent.

Perhaps try pointing out to your DH that the people who run the course would not have given him the place if they didn't think he was worthy. Nobody is that nice! He must have the talent or he wouldn't be there.

I would also point out that wise men use their words sparingly! Just because your DH isn't babbling on all the time doesn't mean what he has to offer isn't of value. I'm convinced that my own DH gets on well in work because he only speaks briefly when he has to and gets straight to the point and doesn't waffle on like some people do!

Try googling 'impostor syndrome'. I've noticed a lot of my husbands behaviour in that and you might find it helpful.

As for the FIL issues, that is really tough. As much as you dislike your FIL, and I can't blame you for that, I would tread carefully around this issue with your DH. It will take time for your DH to see his 'D'F for what he truly is. I would try without getting emotional or going on a personal attack to tell your DH that you think your FIL is an insecure man himself and that he makes himself feel better by putting your DH down.

I really wish you all the best with this, because believe me I know how hard it is!

Wow. What an asshole.

I think the best you can do would be to end the conversation when the FIL starts spewing his crap. You're probably not going to convince him not to do it. Assholes like this think they know everything and are always right. You might well have to physically leave to end the conversation.

It is NOT possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist.

Get him out of your house now if FIL has not already left. This was always going to happen, he would verbally attack his scapegoated son given any opportunity. People from dysfunctional unhealthy families end up playing roles; your DHs assigned one here is scapegoat. I would think that any other siblings are far more favoured.

What you have written was sadly inevitable given his father's attitude towards him.

Your DH really needs to see a therapist and preferably one who has experience of narcissistic families. He also needs to see someone who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I agree with bumblebreed, tell your DH about 'Impostor Syndrome' which afflicts a lot of people with low confidence.

He absolutely has earned his place on this course, it just doesn't feel like it. But feelings aren't facts.

For now I would concentrate on persuading your DH to persevere with the course tomorrow and subsequently and have faith that, even if he had one bad day (plenty of people struggle with public speaking, just look at Ed Milliband), he will experience other things on the course that he is better at.

One good piece of advice someone gave me is that generally we all take each other at face value. No one knows the agony of self-doubt inside. So lots of other people on the course will have their own anxieties, whereas I bet your DH thinks they're all doing swimmingly. And also, the other people will not have noticed your DH's worries, or at least, not to anywhere near the extent he imagines.

Re FIL, be as blunt as you like. Offend him into leaving.

Like Bumble I immediately thought of 'Imposter syndrome' and then of Jack Straw who claimed to be a sufferer I would immediately cut this old fucker out of both your lives for this and this alone. This is a massive deal and needs a big reaction from you to support your DH. His father sounds like a pathological old bastard that will ever change so pull up the drawbridge now OP. He will never ever change as he has got his jollies this way for decades.

Would it help to encourage your husband to stick to his father ? The danger in you fighting his corner is that he does not learn how to defend himself, and it won't improve his confidence

the FIL is a cunt and you need to encourage DH to start pulling back from him, get some counselling etc. Isn't there a book Toxic Parents often recommended on here.

Re the course - make these points

1. It was a competitive scholarship. He was given a place by very experienced people who don't waste their time giving places to people they don't think will do well.
2. Everyone on that course will be good at some things, not so good at other things. OK, he struggles with the speaking part. It'll improve with practise. Every single person on that course is going to struggle with one part of it or another. ~No one is the best at everything.
3. It's day 2. If they all knew already how to do it all, and were good at everything, they wouldn't need to do the course, would they? They'd be teaching it instead. They are supposed to be new to working at this level at this type of work. They are supposed to have a hard time with some of it, supposed to improve over the time of the course, supposed to be building on their skills. Basically they are supposed to be starting at a D grade and working their way up to a good grade, if you want to use a school analogy. There's no point teaching someone who already knows it! Learning how to do public speaking and improving on those skills is part of what they are being taught.

Thanks for all the replies, everyone. FIL is leaving today, thank goodness, and he also lives on the other side of the world, thank all the goodnesses. We see him for a few weeks every few years and DH is getting better at not answering the phone to him. It's really sad that he still feels like he needs validation from such a nasty human being but I can see he really does.
I have suggested therapy to my DH several times, I think he is in denial about how really effed-up his family situation was/is.

We now have a little daughter and I have several times used the example of "would you ever say the sort of thing FIL says to you, to her?" and he's looked horror-struck at the suggestion, so I think he is realising that it's not okay but not really knowing how to deal with the fallout from his upbringing. Have googled Imposter Syndrome and it's ringing bells too so will bring that up. I have a friend who is a psychologist so will ask her for a recommendation.
Have also passed on some of the practical advice about his course. I think intellectually he 'knows' that stuff but emotionally he is so fragile. My poor DH. :(
Thanks again, all.

Ask your dh what experience your fil has in his field. Does he know what is involved? Is he an expert? Would his opinion be worth anything to his colleagues?

If the answer is no. Then that may help your dh rationalise what your fil said as the ramblings of someone who doesn't know what he is talking about.

I'm an old bird and have done lots of jobs in lots of sectors and realise this one thing. Most people are just winging it! An awful lot of people should have Impostor Syndrome but are too bloody arrogant to do so and know next to nothing about the job but just make the right noises at the right moments. One job I had, in an arm of a massive corporation that is a household name in this country. They had trouble getting a manager and had one applicant only and that was the storeman of the branch. They gave him the job and everyone under him knew how to work the machines on the shop floor and how the job worked to the tiniest detail. He did not but...he was suddenly our boss. This is the sort of thing I mean. My current manager couldn't run a bath let alone a business.

Your DH sounds lovely and his humility is a plus in my opinion.