how often do people *really* change their behaviour in relationships?

[SparklingSpringWater]

DSis ended a 14 year relationship with her partner 3 years ago. They had been together since they were 17 and considered each other soulmates. However, to cut a long story short it transpired at around the time they split that her ex-DP had been (in my opinion at least, and I think increasingly in hers) quite verbally/emotionally abusive for a number of years. For example, he would tease and put her down a lot, go on endlessly about fancying other people, wouldn’t let her wear perfume, make-up or certain clothes (insulting her and refusing to go near her if she did). I could go on.

Anyway, DSis is currently single, happy and independent, though would like to meet someone. Last month, her ex-DP has moved back to the city (he went abroad for three years after the split) and wants to get back together. She is very tempted. It sounds like he has done a lot of soul searching and is saying all the right stuff, genuinely realising how awful his behaviour was, promising that he has had a lot of time to change and would never, ever be so horrible to her again. Do such changes often happen? I assume people can change in this way? They clearly still have a lot of feelings for each other, but I’m really nervous for DSis in case the same happens again.

Many thanks in advance for any thoughts about this. I'd like to be able to support and advise better than I feel I currently am (I don't really say much, just try to listen openly).

People rarely change, but it can happen. Mostly it doesn't happen as they don't want to change because they can still have an easy, cosy and agreeable life without having to change their habits and thinking.

So, do you believe that DSis's ex DP has good enough motivation to change, or do you think he'll be able to get all he wants by just saying the right words? If you (and DSis) think the latter, then it is best for her to walk away.

Good luck to her. x

Do such changes often happen? I assume people can change in this way?

They can, but they very, very rarely do.

What they do very commonly do is make all the right noises and promise things will be different, then once the victim is back in their box, they revert back to being their true, nasty selves.

Can you suggest your sister do the Freedom Programme to recognise abusive behaviour? She could do the online version if she can't get to a group. You could also direct her to the great book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

agreed with pocket.

Freedom was absolutely the most amazing thing I ever did. After a horrific relationship I was single for 5 years to scared and not trusting my ability to judge character. Then I met someone who was truly amazing but then they all are, in the beginning aren't they!! I did freedom and not only did I learn a lot about these types of men, why they do what they do, how to spot the warnings signs, but I also learnt a lot about me, that I am a good person and it was not my fault. Spending time with the other ladies also taught me that I'm not alone and I learnt a lot of coping mechanisms and strength from them. It gave me the confidence to give this guy a chance because I would see the warning signs and I would have the strength to leave. We are now married and expecting our second baby.

Freedom saved me from my ex but also saved me from myself! Be strong, everyone deserves true happiness, never ever settle for less!

People can and do change but like everyone else has already said, rarely.

I see it from a slightly more optimistic perspective because I've been given promises that I'm hoping will be kept.

So far so good for me (albeit early days) but, it all depends on the person who needed to change and why they have changed. If he was insecure and that's why he put her down and was jealous then, can he be sure he won't be insecure if they're back together? Or, has something changed in his life where he is now in a happier place and therefore secure enough in himself?

I mean, he sounds like he was/is terribly insecure doesn't he. Is 3 years enough time?

I think I've given more questions than answers so sorry about that!

I would have said no, but actually reading that, he sounds like he has accepted that he treated her badly, which is quite a step. So often with people like this, they say "it's a joke" "you're over-reacting/too sensitive" "it's only because I love you so much" etc. The fact that he has taken it on board and realised that he behaved awfully says a lot.

I'm not saying she should get back with him, especially if there are DCs involved, as it would be very upsetting for them if it didn't work out again, but I wouldn't write him off completely if he has honestly done an about turn. Sometimes losing someone you love is enough to make you stop and take stock of your life.