Family treat me like a joke

[SmileyBones]

I have always had a rocky relationship with my mother, she always seems to disagree with everything I say or do and the relationship is becomming progressivly worse but it's not just her, its the whole family.

Today she turned up at the door with my brother, I was in my raggy clothes as I was half way through painting and the house was a complete tip, she knows how I like to tidy etc before anyone comes but she insisted that she had told me they were coming but she didn't.

Anyway from the minute they came in they started taking the piss, when I said "oh the house is a tip" my mother replied "it always is" and they both started laughing, a bit later on we were talking about a girl who was not doing so well with her new baby and my brother said "you were like that, it's a wonder you didn't have your kids taken off you" , they say it as a joke but they know I get offended. All day they were taking the piss out of me and the house and the area we live in yet if I say anything back they accuse me of being stroppy and not taking a joke yet they wouldn't take it as a joke if it was said to them.

Last week I was at my mothers and we were discussing my daughter (12) who throws her feet inwards as she walks, it's getting worse as she gets older and I'm quite worried...I walk like it too but not as bad however I'm still concious of it as they all know, anyway my mother turned around in front of everyone and said "you would've thought she would've taken one look at you and thought "I don't want to be like that". again they all started laughing. They later started discussing my daughters weight (she is overweight) and she recalled that as me and my husband are fat our DD really didnt stand much of a chance! .

The last straw now is that they are consistantly ripping the piss out of the area we live in, the rest of the family live at the other side of the city, anyway now my eldest daughter has decided to move up near them as she wants the best schools for her children (understandable) and they're using that as a new way to get to me "see even your own daughter wants to live near us...bet your jealous that she's moving to a nice area whilst you're stuck here" and now my daughter feels bad about moving as it's being used to get at me!

please tell me if I'm over-reacting but I'm sick of being the joke of the family.

Oh you poor love

I don't think you are overreacting one bit. I think they are bullying you, for reasons presumably best known to them.

Not sure what to suggest, but didn't want to read and not respond. Hope someone else can give you some advice, and that things get better soon.

Tell them to eff off out of your life. They are behaving atrociously to you and slagging you off in front of your daughter is very bad. You're not overreacting at all, but you do need a large injection of self esteem.

BTW if my brother had said to me 'it's a wonder you didn't have your kids taken off you' I would have punched his light out.

Punched his lights out even...

Have you tried reacting differently, laughing like a drain and saying 'well that's great but you'll need to leave now, I've things to be getting on with" ?

or just looking blankly, unmoved? Sighing and saying 'of course, you're absolutely right' - no one can argue with that, they just have to back off...

The thing is, as long as you give them reactions they're seeking, i.e. taking offence, you're just adding fuel to their fire.

just a thought...

Have you said that any decent mother would have done what she could to help her daughter, if she had concerns about how she walked.

You are not overreacting at all. Being put down like this all the time is completely unacceptable. Am not unfortunately surprised to read that they have always behaved like this towards you. You have come from a dysfunctional toxic family. Many such families look for a person to pick on and in this case it is yourself.

You may want to seek counselling for your own self to find a way forward.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Its not a cure all by any means but it may give you some insight as to why such families behave the way they do.

"Have you said that any decent mother would have done what she could to help her daughter, if she had concerns about how she walked".

I would second that comment but to me it seems like saying this to her would have no effect on your Mother (I use that term advisedly) at all. Such toxic people have no real concerns for others, only themselves.

Certainly do not visit them; its akin to walking into the lions den. You do not need such toxic people in your life; such people cause untold emotional harm towards their victims.

Poor you

Try and ignore their put downs - just concentrate on your relationship with your husband and your children. And you're totally right - if your eldest daughter wants to be close to good schools, then continue to concentrate on the positives, and support her. You will be doing a million times better job than your own mum

Next time they turn up unannounced, hand them a couple of paintbrushes.

Keep your chin up - you sound like a fab mum

Poor you. Has it always been like this- with you the butt of their 'jokes'? I'd just tell them that in future you'd prefer them to not to speak to you like that, or they can leave. I can't imagine my parents or brothers being so hurtful. Stand up to them if you can.

I agree with DGrrrl. You are in no way over-reacting.Are they jealous of you in some way? They must be to constantly deride you in this way.

Next time they turn up without warning either tell them you are just going out and shut the door in their faces or pretend you're not in and don't open the door at all.

Are you sure your not adopted? These people sound horrible,
Im sorry but if i was treated this way by anyone the next time they turned up at my house i would tell them to p*ss off and shut the door on them

Rise above it. THey are in the wrong, not you. You do sound like a lovely, sensitive person. Is your mum a very controlling woman? Perhaps she resents the fact that you moved away and can stand on your own two feet without her help.

It is horrible and I can totally sympathise. My stepdad used to put me down in a similar way and my family have undermined me in a different way all my life. When I got upset they would point out how I couldn't take a joke, or am overreacting etc., so it is a double whammy burden of shame.

You don't have to put up with it. My situation is different but simlar in some ways, in that I have been - like you - used as the family scapegoat, the dumping ground for their negative feelings. I have recently for reasons of my own told the family to respect me or eff off. They have effed off. But I am certain they have had plenty of time to think about it.

Ps Your mum and brother sound like a pair of self-interested snobs and body fascists to boot. You are a far more sensitive and thoughtful person, but unfortunately family scapegoats tend to be the sensitive ones.

I have bumped my thread up just in case the advice I was given is of any help to you, there is a lot about toxic parents/family dynamics which may help - but if it isn't relevant to you just ignore me!