I do not know where to turn or who I can speak to about this so please be gentle with me.
I am 38. Met my partner just over 3 years ago. Spent a lot of time with him & 1 year ago we moved in together.
When we started dating I had to take time off work & retreat from the world a bit as I suffered the most extreme anxiety. And what I recognize now had built up into a depression of sorts. I made my way through – painfully – and I explained what had happened & what was happening & what still happens to me from time to time. When I look back now I realize it had been building up for some time.
He was a rock. He didn’t understand it but tried & was & is there for me all through it. The sleepless nights the worry etc.
I love him. He is my world. So good, so kind. Would do anything & be anywhere for me. We have such a laugh & are so easy in each others company. He has a child from his marriage whom I get on very well with & we also have great times together. We have built up a little life, a great little world though its not without problems of course.
The problem with us now is of my own making. And I am heartbroken.
From day 1 he said he would never get married again & never move closer to where I am from. He wants to stay near his child which I understand. I am 1.5 hrs now away from my family & friends which is lonely at times but I can get on with it for the most part & feel happy & content in the routine etc I have built up.
The next problem is that now we are ready to start a family of our own he says he will only have 1 child. I had wanted 3 but at my age I thought we could settle on 2. He is refusing point blank & for him having 1 child is a compromise. I know he said ages ago 1 would be enough but I didn’t pay any heed. I thought as the relationship developed he would change his mind about marriage, where we live & kids.
You know – I can be happy where we live, I can be happy with 1 child but I really really want to get married. He has basically told be to walk if Im not happy with what he wants. He cant help want he wants & I know that’s true. He is a softie at the back of it & I don’t think he’ll have another relationship for a very very long time.
I always thought we could work something out. How nieve and stupid am I!?
I know this is all my own doing. I just feel if he really loves me how can he just let me walk away so so easily. And the thing is I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW he adores me as I do him.
I do not know how to walk away from him. I do not know how to leave the man I love in the hope of something more & maybe ending up with nothing & no one. My anxiety is playing up again the last few days & I am lost.
Until a few days ago when this all came to a head I was incredibly happy. We all were.
I want to be his wife. I want to change my name to his. I want that unity. I want a hen & I want a weddings dress. I always have.
But I want him too. I don’t want to end up some bitter old woman. I don’t want to end up alone after knowing this great love. But I don’t see how to get past this either. I am confused. Lost. And weepy.
All I have ever wanted is to be a wife & mother.
After what happened 3 years ago when the anxiety had me nearly killed all that matters to me are people. Its taken me so long to get to where I am and I don’t want to go back wards.
I feel I cant really talk to my friends or family as anytime in the past Ive run something past anyone they all just want me to return home. They only see my side. They don’t see the full story. I have thought of seeing a counsellor but don’t really have the cash at the minute. Has anyone ever been in this situation? Can anyone impart any advice?
Thank you x