DV prog assessed him as high risk...

[willthiseverbloodystop]

namechanged for this but regular poster.

my exh has been assessed by his dv prog as very high risk to me and dd.

i really hadn't seen this coming as he has been ok with us.

has anyone had this. i don't really understand how they've made this assessment and what it means for us? For e.g., should I get the locks changed. Should I tell the school (I've just rung to make appt with my dd's support worker there).

also i am totally buggereed now for childcare in holidays so i am wondering if this would be something i could tell work and ask for unpaid leave over the summer. i don;t want to stick her in endless camps - she's already doing 2 weeks over the summer & spent the entire of easter in camps. Is there anything which allows me to take unpaid leave in this situation . Does compassionate leave cover it? I've missed 2 days of work in total during the whole marriage breakdown/ being attacked so I don't think I've taken the piss at all. But now I really don't know how to manage . The easter holidays nearly broke me it was so stressful working and dealing with childcare.

You're entitled to up to 4 weeks unpaid parental leave each year, for each child, up to a maximum of 18 weeks over their childhood. So yes your employers have to allow you the time if needed.
Source

Are you getting childcare vouchers and all the relevant tax credits?

When you said he has been okay with you and DD, you didn't see it coming, however did he attack you? Sorry I don't know if you've had previous threads.

How did you find out his assessment? Because I would ask that person or agency what to do next. You could also speak to WA and see what they suggest.

Yes he attacked me in front of dd. didn't see that coming either, so,I get I can't assess him. But since that time he has been ok. We are separated. He's not on the course yet.

Useful info re parental leave, I didn't know that, I thought it only applied up to age 5, will look into. I really feel,that I need some extended time off too as I am barely holding on , if I know I have say a month in august I can work towards that. Just don't want to dump her I endless week long camps, I think we need some time together.

Just be aware that your employer does not have to give you the unpaid parental leave for the dates you request. If there is a significant reason why your employer can't give you the leave on your chosen dates, they can postpone the leave to a later date.

You must also make sure you give the correct notice of your request - have a look at the gov.uk website for more details.

It's going to coincide with my colleague, so,they could turn it down, so need to get it agreed verbally beforehand, hoping if I explain entire shit situation they will agree as a one off this year. V useful to know about this I had no idea! Thank you

If you have been assessed as being at high risk have you been referred to a domestic abuse service or some sort of support? If you look at your local councils website or women's aid they will say what your local areas services are, maybe your could ask for some advice from them. In my experience there is some sort of link worker if your ex is on a programme who might be able to point you in the right direction. Are you in a housing association property? If so they will probably change the locks for you if you have been a victim of domestic abuse.

Emergency parental leave is to ARRANGE CHILDCARE not in place of it.

How old is your dd? Camp will be fabulous for her, don't forget this! The thing about needing to be together is more about you than her really. Isn't it?

I understand. I felt similar, but you have a few months until August, and you and she will be SO much stronger by then.

Just breathe for now, take each day as it comes, see how you feel in June for example.

Do you have friends you can do holiday care swap with? So she plays with friends etc on half term and summer holidays?

Hissy Unpaid parental leave is not the same as emergency leave
www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

WillThis You can have a total of 18 weeks until your child is 18. Up to four weeks per year.

She is doing camps in the summer already, I would just rather she does half the time chilling out and half the time in camps. She's spent every working day in Easter in a camp. Yes she loves them but I think chill out time is important. And she is processing her parents separation and seeing her dad attack her mum. So I think asking for 2 weeks unpaid parental leave in the summer in addition to 2 weeks booked leave isn't completely unreasonable, just for for this year. Presumably that's why that's entitlement is there- for events you can't predict.

This:
marac
is a link to one established way of assessing risk.
And no - none of us saw it :(

tbh what i can't stand is all the PEOPLE involved. I had left. We were amicable and he did this. And now I have all sorts of people involved and it;s just utterly exhausting and preventing me moving on. It makes me feel utterly miserable and less in control of my life than i was when i lived with him! arg

Leaving is the most dangerous time :(
Amicable just does not happen.

The people will be involved to try to help protect you from him. You seem to be in denial about him and the risks.

You could ask the person who told you about the "high risk" assessment what this means will happen now, and what if anything you should do differently.

for you willthis, it must be incredibly hard but you will get through it and you will end up in control of your life again. it may just take some time.

i know that's whats so depressing as i could be. I still like his nice side , not so much the abusive side! But HE just can;t accept it's over. I can;t understand why given the fact he attacked me - it's pretty damm obvious now even if it was;t before. I could file for divorce to make it clear, but then i'm not sure i can really take that, and for dd s sake i'd like to him to get something out of the programme and don;t want to upset the apple cart while he;s on it. But then I suppose , he is having support, and it would make it clear. But at the moment we're fine in the family home and both me and dd need some peace. if i divorce we're likely to lose this , which i KNOW will be ok in the end but it's taken me 6 years to leave, i;ve been out 4 months and just want some bloody PEACE. I've had a couple of conversations with him recently where i've realised he just doesn't get it - he's made comments which I haven;t pulled him up on, as i really don;t care what he thinks about why it all went wrong, but it's very evident to me that he still blames me. And that is where i think some of the risk is - his inability to accept that it is over.

sorry that was a reply to arthritic

why am in denial? I'd left him. I have a non mol order. I don;t need people coming round my house all the time, all they do is say i'm doing well and leave - nothing new in terms of advice, i'm already doing it all.

i've asked what it means and it seems standard in this situation as in recently separated then recent assault.

Don't beat yourself up about not being able to assess the risk well right now, people looking at it from the outside will be able to see things much more clearly than you can. 4 months after taking 6 years to leave isn't very long at all, it will take a lot longer than that to adjust.

Do take advice about what you need to do to protect your daughter.

That sounds really positive - they are just checking up and are happy with the way things are going. You are doing the right things but they have to check as people can make mistakes and getting support will really help. I'm sorry it feels like they are not leaving you in peace.

thank you newleaflet yes you're right i'm not exactly outside the situation. I tried to talk to her support worker at school today re not letting him pick her up , but she wasn't there, so will try again tomorrow. Not sure if i need to see the head? Problem is i am bed bound with flu at the moment which isn;t really helping anything, i'm doing the school run and dd is more than happy to watch a film after school (says a lot for her childcare that she'd rather spend time with me in this condition!) but not sure how well i would hold up in a meeting with the head, although the head is v supportive, read bloody brilliant. SW said they will talk to school about it but not sure how soon.

he's just rung me and been utterly horrid, as if this is all my fault. Oh FFS.

I think i need to go back to bed. thank you for the supportive posts, much appreciated. I think being ill and having this going on is just a bit too much for me at the mo!

Who made the high risk assessment? Was it in a court report by a probation officer?

No it was dvip

Have there been previous convictions / call outs? And what kind of risk? Emotional abuse? Physical harm. I might assess a heroin addict as high risk of further offending but not necessarily a high risk of harm if you see what I mean?
Horrible situation for you - what I would say is if you take him back you will lose self respect

Oh I m not taking him back. No chance. Much happier without him, no concerns on that front! Just that he had been assessed as low risk by ss and so we moved towards unsupervised contsct, everyone seemed happy, (albeit with my concerns that he didn't accept separation still) then we get this and ss now saying only supervised and I have to sign some sort of document agreeing to that ?

I think it must mean physical harm given that's the recent incident. Emotional abuse easier to stop with separation, I ve managed to detach quite well I think, with the help of some counselling and mumsnet!

I know very little about this but is soumds like you need a restraining order / non molestation order.

I thought you needed a court order to stop him picking your Dd up if he has parentsl rights. It sounds like you need proper legal advice.