Good as friends, bad as lovers

[Kat1687]

Hi

My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have 2 children aged 15 and 12.

Generally we get on ok. No arguements although we don't have a great deal to say to each other after we have exhausted the topics of children and 'how was your day?'.

The problem is our sex life. He wants it. I don't!

There is no medical reason for me not to want it (I have been to the Dr) and I don't miss it.

Part of the reason is that he rarely cleans his teeth or showers. His breath is horrid so I don't want him to talk to me, let alone kiss or do anything else. I also feel that I have to always 'nag' him to do his share of the household jobs. If I don't say anything then they don't get done. He often oversleeps after his alarm goes off and I get cross that I have to wake him up to go out. I am not his mother!

We have had several conversations about both of these issues but nothing changed.

Unfortunately my lack of interest in sex has caused him to become depressed. I try to be supportive but the reason for his depression just annoys me so I find it hard.

We are sleeping in separate rooms as he said that he didn't want to share a bed with me if sex wasn't going to happen. A few months later he asked me to move back into the bed. I said no as I am currently sleeping better than ever without having him breathe on me.

Are we doomed? He said that he can't see us staying together if we are never going to have sex. Some days I want him to stay. Others I just wish he would leave and get it over and done with!

Sorry but body clean and teeth are basic, if he can't even manage this I wouldn't want to share a bed with him, never mind the other way around.

You probably don't even fancy him anymore, even if a relationship we need to keep ourselves well groomed and most of all CLEAN - it's not too much to ask. He sounds like he is about 12 years of age, no wonder you don't find him attractive, who would.

I'd be telling him he sorts himself out or it's over.

he rarely cleans his teeth or showers
Sorry to sound harsh but that would be it for me.
I have a real issue with oral hygiene (ex dental nurse so a bit anal about it) and not showering - yeuk!!!
I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him.
And yes I think you are doomed unless he can sort himself out.
He's dirty and lazy.
No way, he would have been booted years ago if it was me.

he rarely cleans his teeth or showers

Raaaaaank

I can certainly understand not wanting to be intimate in any way with someone who doesn't follow even a basic hygiene lifestyle..ugh!!!

I brush my teeth several times a day depending if I've eaten foodstuffs that are smellier than the usual, and I shower morning and night. Ok, not everyone showers twice a day but I would hope at least once daily.

Does he put clean clothes on or just keep wearing the same?

He needs to realise he needs to change if you and he are ever going to be close again. It may not work, but he has to try.

OOPS, pressed too soon.

He needs to talke on his share of responsibilities as well as the hygeine problems.

Oh, and grow a pair (him not you)

Has his hygiene problem always been like this, or is it a relatively recent development? Because failing to self-care is often one of the first signs of depression in men.

It has always been bad. Things haven't been right between us for years. We just fell into a pattern of no sex without really noticing it. It was only when we had a child free holiday in 2013 that he said it was a problem.

Well in that case...

He said that he can't see us staying together if we are never going to have sex

Yet he's not willing to do the very basic things that most people do every day, and are putting you off sex.

In other words, he wants out. But is too cowardly to say so. :(

Ok, I don't mean this sarcastically: Do you want to stay with him? Or would you actually not mind it if you separated? It doesn't sound like you have much in common except children. Certainly not a love of hygiene.

If you think you could rekindle something then it might be worth actually spelling it out to him yet again that he's said the marriage might end but that your relationship is in pretty bad trouble anyway and that actually, it's very difficult to fancy him because he is not always meticulous about his hygiene and about taking equal shares of the housework. But that you'd like to work on it as long as you can do it together. It's very difficult to want to make love if you feel unappreciated [and have a faceful of bad smell].

Then frankly the ball is in his court. You have to accept that he might work at it or he might not. If he doesn't, then it looks like you will separate ... is that so bad for you all, after all?

If you don't want to rekindle things then you can just carry on as you are now. If he brings up the lack of sex, you can just tell him straight why you have no inclination for it.

If you have told him in no uncertain terms that his breath stinks ( and maybe he does too) and he has not done anything to change, then he doesn't appear to want sex as much as he says.

Your Dhs behaviour is really gross. I expect his work mates are suffering from the pong as well.

Is this about control? If he knows it would help him have sex but he doesn't want to comply with what you want then he is being passive aggressive imo.

Would you end your marriage over this (I would.)?

oh God. I would refuse to speak to my dh if he wouldn't brush his teeth and shower let alone sleep with him.

No other woman is going to have sex with him either if he doesn't wash, so splitting is going to change anything for him.

Have you laid it out for him as follows:

The reason we do not have sex are:
You do not wash
You do not clean your teeth
You do not pull your weight around the house.

If the above criteria were fulfilled you might get some.

(I don't think I could do it even if he did step up tbh)

We have had several conversations about both of these issues but nothing changed.