Reconnecting with my husband

[phoenixrose314]

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to write.

Recently I have realised that I have become very distanced from my DH. Nothing major has happened, but I just feel indifferent towards him and it's really starting to worry me. He's currently away in another country for the week and all I miss is having someone to watch our DS so I can have a break - I don't miss his company and I don't know why.

We were very, very much in love for a long time and have been through a lot together. We had a difficult start to our relationship and came through it stronger. We had DS and our relationship did change - kind of a power struggle, really. He is older than me and more knowledgeable generally but when it came to DS I had my own ideas and opinions about how to do things and we butted heads a bit over this. We have one evening a week alone together thanks to my DM babysitting, but generally he ends up working late or too tired to do anything and we just sit in front of the TV and don't talk.

I've tried to talk to him here and there, saying I wish we could spend more quality time together, that I'd like us to talk more, but I just feel like my feelings about him have slipped away somewhat, and maybe his for me too. He still seems quite affectionate and loving towards me, though, which makes me worry because why I am I feeling distant but not him? He climbs in to bed and snuggles me and makes advances and I just feel like I don't want to, if the only time he ever shows the slightest interest in me is at that point of the day.

I don't know. His workload has increased and he's away more, and spends two nights a week out with his other two children and another night playing cards with his dad (his dad's wife died recently and he keeps him company). So I'm lonely a lot. I have a full time job (as a teacher) and a young toddler when I get back home, no time for myself let alone for him. I just wanted suggestions from you all for a way to re-connect with him - I don't want to lose what we have/had. I once loved him so fiercely, thought he was so wonderful - the rose-tinted glasses have obviously gone but we had something special and I want it back.

Please, suggest anything. I just want to feel something for him again.

Being in a relationship involves effort and sometimes sacrifice, it sounds like you two have turned into friends who just share the same house and child care. The only way to try and salvage things is to make time for each other, love making is also very important, it brings you closer and cements the bond.

Jan I know you are right, I will talk to him when he eventually gets home. I am willing to change and make different choices/have a different perspective, but I need him to see that things have changed and be willing to change too. Thank you so much for your advice, I really do appreciate it, I just need to find a new way to talk to him because he's not listening at the moment.

Funny how a million people will jump in to holler LTB on most of the threads here but when someone is looking to fix and reconnect nobody seems to have any advice.

Write him a letter, it might help.

I don't have any advice but going through exactly the same tbh.

I've tried talking about it but he doesn't seem to feel the same and thinks everything is 'fine' and that I'm just 'imagining things'.

I think him spending time with his dad and kids is a sign that he's a person who values and invests in his relationships. And you say he is affectionate to you. You want things back the way they were. I think there's hope.

Having a child almost always has a detrimental effect on a partnership. It just changes a lot between you.

Try to remember that love is an action not an emotion. Could you try to reconnect with sex initially. Do it even if you don't feel like it (I'll get flamed for saying that). I find it works for me when I'm drifting from DH. It's not about a woman doing it for a man but one marriage partner for another. Love requires sacrifice sometimes.

And just tell him how you feel. That you want to get back to the fierce love.

Leviticus I know there is hope, he is a good man with a good heart and he cares deeply for his family - I just feel we are drifting apart as we share no common interests and we are both just so busy!

I also agree with you about the sex aspect of the relationship - sometimes I have forced myself to connect with him, and ended up feeling closer to him as a result of the lovemaking, so I know that it does work. I also feel very deeply unhappy with how I look post-baby (but am working on that) and my self-confidence in that area has taken a real downturn, which I think is probably having a knock-on effect in other areas too.

He's back from holiday now, we took the dog out for a walk with DS and held hands which was lovely, but brief. He is out tonight and tomorrow night, and I'm out Wednesday, so looks like we'll be talking about this on Thursday then!!!

Rosey I hope it gets better for you xxx

You just need to talk to him and explain how you feel. Maybe think of ways to re connect. It could be he is just exhausted and pulled in all directions. Modern life is very complex and puts great demands on families and couples. It's very easy to lose that first romance.

This is a thread from 2015!

The daily grind of work and children and familial obligations do seem over time to suck the joy and fun out of relationships. My advice which is what we do, but we are still not without our issues, is to get away together.
When hotels open again, can your mum do overnight baby-sitting? We had cheap nights away in the uk, not necessarily even that far from home. My husband enjoyed all the planning of what we would do and we both had fun on booking.com choosing a cheap hotel. My main joy was eating in a restaurant, not having to cook and not having to worry about my kids. We have done this at least 3 times a year throughout our marriage and we are lucky in that my kids stay with my parents in another country for 10 days each summer and while they are away my husband and I have 5-7 days on holiday somewhere just us. It reminds us both who we were before kids and why we are a couple. We have done this since they were toddlers, lucky I know, my mum loved to have the kids all to herself.
Now our kids are older 19 and 17, going away for a night is easy and we get much more time just us, it was hard when the kids were young and we had a lot of work stress, but I recommend you try and invest the time in doing things as a couple, and getting out the drudge of the daily grind even if it’s only for 24 hours. It’s helps to connect and the sexual connection is easier to forge and sustain when you get home.

Marriage is hard, we haven’t always put enough effort into pleasing each other and appreciating each other but when we are kinder to each other and make the effort to show each other Love we seem to get more love back. Read up on love languages, my husband scoffed at it initially but the book we got helped us both and helped us connect better.
Good luck, marriage is work, it’s easy to take each other for granted and let life get in the way, ruthlessly carve out time and headspace for each other, it’s easy to sleepwalk into ‘falling out of love’ and out of lust. Spoken as someone married for 20 years who didn’t always put the required effort in.