How can i trust her?

[hammers400]

I know it was wrong but I had to check her phone as these doubts have been niggling away at me.
Shed gone sleep and thought id put my mind at rest by checking her phone.. Shes got quite a few male friends and I thought id just see what was being said on her text messages.
I scrolled through a list from what she calls one of her closest friends and to my shock and horror it seemed more than just friends. Hes sent her loads of texts say how gorgeous she is how much he misses her lots of texts ending xxx. The major red flags was the one She sent him that said "I was so tempted to invite you to stay over night but its probably not being sensible x" This was sent after they had been on a pub crawl together and he had gone back at the end of the night to her house. And other ones from him saying he`d recorded her snoring as he misses it so much and plays it on a loop at night..

As soon as I read these I could not believe what I was reading the thoughts and doubts where to me confirmed I immediately confronted her and asked what the hell was going on. To which she said hes always been flirty with her and that shed told me there friendship has always been a flirty one on his part. And the only reason shed not got him to stay over because shed of thought that I would have been upset. She says he would have slept in her sons bed and that her son would have slept downstairs?

She says him recording her snoring is him having a joke and she fell asleep whilst watching a film with him. And him telling her how gorgeous she is is ment to be sarcastic and hes just joking. Even though they end xxx.

Am I being a complete fool to believe her? She says hes just a friend and its all innocent fun and that shes never felt sexual towards him.

I really want to believe her as I love her so much and we have a beautiful two year old daughter. But I am struggling to make sense of the texts.

There is other texts but as soon as Id read those I confronted her and now she says she wont show me any of them and shes locked the phone.

She says I am so wrong to react upset and that I should trust her and shes really upset that I doubt her and that her privacy has been invaded that shes sorry its been flirty between them only for the fact I am hurt by it all. And made me feel like its my fault for looking on her phone.

I know its wrong to look at her texts and I wish I hadnt its made me question everything so much.

Can anyone give me advice on how I can go on?

Friends don't flirt with each other though or send messages like they are actually boyfriend and girlfriend, so no I don't think you are wrong, I think she is all wrong and it's a horrible way to treat someone.

In your position, I'd be ensuring she cuts contact with him, they are both crossing a line.

The fact she has locked her phone and is refusing to show you the other messages strongly suggests she is hiding other things. If she had nothing to hide she would gladly show you her phone and would want to prove her innocence.

She is not being truthful with you and this guy clearly fancies her. Why on earth would a guy friend "joke" that she looked gorgeous? Ridiculous!

If you still want to be with her you should have a serious talk with her and tell her how this is making you feel. It is unreasonable for her to flirt with other guys and who knows what more! She says this guy is flirty, but she is allowing this behaviour to continue.

If you don't want to be her, you know what you need to do.

Looking at things as a whole, you do not deserve to be treated in this way. She is taking you for a fool and thinks you will believe her lies.

I was this woman. I was cheating and lying and my responses to my ex were virtually identical to the excuses she has given you.

I'm sorry but it does sound like she is being unfaithful.

Fwiw there were reasons behind my behaviour and once I'd come through them I became the polar opposite to what I was before.

So you don't live together? But you have a daughter? Are you actually in a relationship or what?

She's definitely banging him. Sorry.

Only she knows if she's lying or not.

But giving her the benefit of the doubt, let's assume that she feels her friendship with this other guy is innocent, and that she also feels that you are simply overreacting / invading her privacy. It's unlikely that she will suddenly come to see things from your perspective, and if you somehow manage to persuade her to drop this guy, then she's likely to resent it and ultimately you.

This is very similar to how i discovered that my ex fiance was cheating on me. Sorry :( He denied and denied, pulling the "just jokes with a good friend" car but in the end it was much more than that. He threw it all back on me accusing me of being jealous, not trusting him, not wanting him to have friends etc - this is a classic deflection technique to make you doubt yourself so they can keep behaving this way.

Good luck OP. Maybe wait and see for a bit - if there is something going on you will find solid proof in the end and then you can see what you want to do.

She might be having sex with him. She might not.

The relationship is totally inappropriate and needs to end if she wants to be with you.

You have to be firm about this.

Yes we are in a relationship together but live in different houses. we see each other most weekends and and one night through the week..

Its hard to face the reality of the situation when you love someone so much.
I really dont want to walk away as I know I will never love anyone like I love her. Its the love I feel for her and the thought of being without her that makes me believe her.

I know I am probably being a fool and it could all end in tears but I think shes worth fighting for.

We are supposed to be going on Holiday together in less than two weeks and she just text to say for me not to dwell on things and nothing has happened between her and him and they are just friends. And that I should put it behind us and enjoy the holiday together.

I have already paid for flights and apartment and have been hoping this holiday would bring us closer together.

Finding things really difficult at the moment

Thanks for the responses and feel better that its not just me over reacting like she says. Its good to get other peoples perspectives.

blue42 your so right feels like a no win situation I doubt i could ever stop her being friends with him and if I made it an ultimatum thats exactly how she would be.

I think the messages are inappropriate and dangerous for your relationship, and they need to stop.

However, it is possible that this hasn't gone beyond some kind of superficial EA. The reason I say that is that she did say he shouldn't sleep over, because it wasn't sensible - which suggests that a temptation is there and is acknowledged, but that it's also being resisted.

I think you need to speak to her very seriously about this being a dealbreaker, and ask for boundaries to be firmer in future. That might mean both of you being open with your phones and letting the other see them if they want to. It might help for you to meet the guy and put the relationship on more of a secure friends-only footing too.

Well you can't be with someone if they're flirting so madly with someone.

It's really inappropriate. Stand up for yourself without aggression.

If she picks his so called friendship over her love relationship with you then you have your answer - she thinks more of him than you.

If they hadn't crossed that line then there wouldn't be an ultimatum, she caused it, not you. I also think you need to be more assertive, you're worth more than this surely.

thanks winkywinkola

to be fair from what I read of the texts the main flirty bits were from him from what I got to read shed not really responded in a big flirty manner. It was the red flag message that shed sent when the major alarm bells rang

"I was so tempted to invite you to stay over night but its probably not being sensible x"

just after hed left sometime after they got back together at her house after a pub crawl.

his reply was "Ive just got back home now! really wish you where not so sensible it would have been lovely"

"xxx"

I don't think it makes sense to over-interpret those text messages, since you don't know the context that they were sent in - innocent messages can look very damning without context, and vice versa.

If you agree that she would resent you asking her to change her behaviour, then it seems to me that the only way you could resolve this would be for you to change your own perceptions / feelings / beliefs about it. But I think that is only possible (and desirable) to do in response to an identified and demonstrable issue in your own behaviour, not somebody else's.

To clarify, I mean that if you had historical issues with trust in relationships, then it would make sense to examine that and try to change it. But I would never suggest changing your own behaviour in response to someone else's failings. I doubt it's really possible to to that anyway.

I also wanted to say, I wouldn't read anything into 'xxx'. I sign all my messages off like that, to just about anyone who is a friend or relation. Unless it's madly out of character for her to use 'xxx', let it go.

I still think she is hiding something from you whether she has been unfaithful or merely flirted, there is definitely something. There is no logical reason, if she was telling the truth, as to why she would not show you her phone and show you that she is completely innocent.

She should not be allowing her friend to act in this way towards her. He has crossed the line and so has she by allowing it. She really hasn't thought of you or your feelings at all in this, regardless of whether she has cheated. That in itself is a red flag.

Yes, you're right to be suspicious because those messages are definitely over the boundary of friendship. xxxxxx's or not.

Thanks I appreciate the back up and view points.
Berrie1 and winky that's exactly how I feel about it. Each time I try and talk to her about it she just gets really angry and tries to shut me up. She says we have talked about it loads but its just been her laughing it all off and then she brings up old arguments to deflect.
I'm finding it hard to move forward with out having a decent conversation with her. Feeling lots of anger towards him as I've met him a few times and got on well with him in the past. Worried I'll explode next time I see him. But know I have to remain calm and tell him to back off.

By checking her phone aren't you already proving that you don't trust her? It wouldn't even cross mind to look at dh phone. I'm not sure how you could regain the trust tbh

Don't speak to the bloke about it.

The problem is your partner. Not him. It should be that 1,000 men could send her messages but she wouldn't respond in the way she has because she is committed to you.

For her to get angry is not her showing that she thinks she's done anything wrong or is sorry about it.

She has done something wrong by flirting hugely (if not more) with this man. She has broken your trust. She should be working hard to regain your trust.

Not that you should be looking on her 'phone all the time but she shouldn't have anything to hide on there. It sounds like she does.

I'm sorry for you. I've been through someone similar. It's horrendous. I'm still trying to decide whether to get divorced even though my h has tried to be sorry and has worked to make things better. The trust is gone. I assume he's dating again every day.

Look after your DC.

She is really disrespecting your feelings by letting this man send her those sort of text messages.

How would she feel if I was the other way round?

Don't go on holiday with her, you have 2 weeks to sort out a friend, change the name and have some space and time without her feeding you what she wants you to hear.

If she loved you like you love her she wouldn't instantly tell the "friend" not to send messages like that! She is flirting with him.

Take her name off the holiday and go with another female friend. Or ask one of the ladies off here.