My ex partner and I split up on Tuesday having spent nearly 9 years together. He has started shagging one of his clients who has now separated from her husband and is 13 years older than me. I found out when I went back into the bedroom to kiss him goodbye and he hid his phone from me.
18 months ago we bought a house together to renovate he did most of the physical work (as that's what he does for a living) I bought most of the decor furniture etc. we thought it would take 6-12 weeks to complete and it ended up taking a year. Oh was hugely resentful of me not being more supportive of him during this time, I offered to help paint but he refused saying that I was shit at it, i offered to help clean but he said it was pointless and then when he did want me to clean he said I didn't do it well enough. I tried to invest time in the garden and he would say why are you bothering when the house isn't evening down. So I know I did try. During that time we lived with my mum and so we obviously weren't having loads of sex although we were still sleeping together at our new house. He has now said that I chose mum over him as I would sit downstairs watching 'shit'tv rather than going upstairs to watch him to weights and talk to him when he would barely respond. So he stopped wanting sex with me. I used to beg him to go out and do things on our own, even just walk to the pub and he was tired and had no money, I offered to pay for us to go away for the weekend he refused saying we needed to get the 'fucking' house done. I'd ask for progress reports on how we were getting on and id be told to stop fucking nagging him, I'm putting him under too much pressure and it'll be done when it's done. I asked if we could put a time frame of August as I knew we needed to get out of mums and things were mostly finished and he went mad a I think he suffered some kind of break down. I tried to support him as much as I can and suggested he/we go to councilling to try to help with his issues and he refused. He kept telling me he fucking hated the house so I said we'd sell and buy somewhere new (despite the fact that it's my dream house) he said not now he's put all the fucking work into it. I'd spent around £15k on materials etc he spent £3k plus his time. He was still paying towards the mortgage but I was paying all other bills.
Previously to this he'd moved into my flat after about 6 months together, when I decided to buy my friend out we'd agreed DP would do some work on it to pay back for the fact he hadn't paid bills or rent for nearly 3 years. Again it took him longer and we discovered that there was a lot if mould in the house that led to ill health issues for me(I will explain more later!) after he'd finished we decided to sell due to the mould problem and my health and the money from the flat would go to the house. He was again massively resentful that he'd done it up for no 'gain' I tried to explain that he'd gain because we'd be able to buy a better house.
He decided that we should only look at three bedroom houses and even would say on occasion that his 'den' would be the nursery. So obviously I thought kids were on the cards. I had tried to talk to him about timelines for children and marriage and had never hidden the fact that I wanted them and he always used to say that I was putting him under too much pressure and he hadn't completely decided but he thought he wanted kids but I needed to back off asking him. He also said he thought I would cope with a baby as I have had m.e. In the past. Because I earn 5x what he does I would have to go back to work as he wouldn't be able to increase his earning power that much (although he did very little to drive his business forward and would say I was interfering when I tried to help him with the business.
So to the health, I suffered with m.e. For around 6 months early in our relationship and he was a complete rock, and really looked after me, I wasn't really in the position to explain to people that I was so poorly as I slept the majority of the time so lacked support from friends and family really. I've also had sever atopic eczema and allergies which again he's done an amazing job of looking after me, tucking me up in bed and generally caring about appointments etc, it almost felt like he likes to look after me. I can't tell you how great he was.
He stopped sleeping with me in October/November which is when he started working at her house, he said that he didn't want to sleep with me while I looked so ill(I was not as bad as I had been and it was concentrated on one part of my leg) he has since said that there was a particular incident in December where he wanted me to do something sexual and I asked him to take a shower as he works in a physical job and hadn't and he went mental saying if I loved him I would have done it anyway and I was insulting him to ask and I was a prude and i said anyone else would ask the same he said they wouldn't and that's when his passion for me died.
I know that I can nag and crave attention occasionally and look back over my texts and I moaned about my health and work quite a bit. 6 months ago I also started to suffer from anxiety badly. I was worried I'd loose my job and he said do you have any idea how much pressure that puts on me. I went and saw a councillor to deal with my issues and she advised me that I needed to try and work to a time frame with oh about children (I'd given up on my dreams of marriage as he was so adiment he didn't want it) which I tried to do around sept time. He acknowledged he needed to give me an answer.
Thought our relationship he hasn't tried to engage in any joint hobbies and accuses me of watching shit tv and not being interested in his hobbies which seem to involve sitting on the computer watching films (a lot of which I wanted to see) playing games and occasionally (multiple times per week) porn.
He has now said he finds me boring, I talk about work too much and we'd had every conversation we were going to have. He said I was boring when we went out with people as all I talked about was work and he was embarrassed by me for that.
He also also contacted woman via facebook and texts over the years which I have caught him doing and confronted him and he has always blamed me for 'spying on him' which I admit I have done because I knew he was doing something. He said they never went further than flirting but I don't think I ever got a please forgive me I'm so sorry.
So combined with my ill health, my nagging and moaning, my need for commitment and children, not trusting and the fact that I wanted him to spend time with my friends and family when he didn't want to e.g.christmas, I just want to be in the house on my own not at your families. I feel I may have driven him to it.
We have split and are having to live under the same roof as I'm trying to buy him out which he's starting to become difficult about I think. He's still seeing this other woman and I've said how hurtful I find it that if we stay in the house together. He doesn't really care about that I don't think.
We never had a perfect relationship but we used to be deeply in love we relied on each other for everything, we'd text and talk lots throughout the day. We still were talking and texting lots right up until Tuesday and affectionate, hugging me all night every night in bed. He'd be upset if I didn't kiss him goodbye didn't come upstairs to see him when I came in, didn't immediately say hello when I got in the car when he picked me up.
There's so much more I could say about things that were wrong but I know he used to love me so what changed and why aren't I good enough for him? I know I can never go back because he slept with someone else but what hurts is he doesn't want me back. His words are, he hadn't loved me for at least 6months maybe years, doesn't fancy me and doesn't want to be with me which says it all. And now because I vere from being cold and unemotional to in bits he is just as cold as ice towards me, like he never loved me in the first place.
He says he's not leaving for this woman but she emotionally understands him and he now knows he can be happy and it doesn't have to be like it is with me.
Sorry for the looooong message but I'm truly heartbroken, lost and don't know what to do x