Do you think less of someone if they stick up for themselves?

[mushrooomss]

I have always struggled to stick up for myself in horrible situations.

At school many years ago I had a very controlling best friend and was bullied by lots of others (I think so called best friend had a hand in others being nasty about me, but that's another story). Whenever I tried to stand up for myself, my best friend would lecture me about how they were her friends as well as me, and that if I said anything back then she would have to re-think our friendship as she refused to play piggy in the middle. I was terrified of being friend-less so lamely accepted any bullying inflicted on me.

Now I'm in my mid thirties, I still find it very hard to stand up for myself whenever anyone has behaved badly towards me, and I feel that if I did it would put people that do like me off me.

A couple of years ago I went away on a hen weekend. Two women on the weekend took a dislike to me and spent the weekend being quite vile towards me. However each time I spoke up for myself and told them to stop it, others would just tell me to leave it. It reminded me of being at school so I just went home and have never spoken to anyone from that weekend since.

Recently an acquaintance on my facebook friends has started to be quite antagonistic towards me on my statuses and not that nice. One day she said something awful and so I de-friended her, and then within minutes got a message from a mutual friend asking why I had defriended this woman and saying not to say or do anything back to this woman as this woman was quite feisty.

Every time I try to defend myself I feel like someone else nips it in the bud, and that I will lose other friends and lose respect from people if I defend myself.

Further to what I said before, I think it's hard to stand up for yourself consciously if you're already not doing it unconsciously. You keep ending up as the group scapegoat and to change that you do have to do some work on your own self-esteem.

I have a very thin-skinned friend who is upset and offended by the slightest thing, and another friend who can't resolve an argument without drama.

Do either of these people sound like you? If not, you are right to stand up for yourself and I am surprised that your friends aren't more supportive.

Could be some counter-tranference going on.

The link I posted to only explains it in basic terms, but you'll get the idea. I think counselling could be the way forward. It's possible that you seek these kinds of relationships out, because of learned experience.

I was bullied at school and spent my teens feeling vulnerable and at the mercy of others. I was absolutely petrified of my bullies. I used to freeze on the spot. How I wished I was stronger and told them to back off even if I got my head kicked in.

Moving to my 20's I was still a soft touch with friends and in relationships.

I have since learnt my value and cut ties with people who did not respect me.

Now I defend myself but I shake inside, perspire like a pig and feel like bursting into tears!

I hate to see injustice.

agree with AnyFucker, it's the other way around isn't it? I really don't see how it could be otherwise...

Agree with AF *I am sorry to say I think a little bit less of people who don't assert themselves

It's a fault of mine, I admit*

Me, too.

standing up for yourself = getting rid of crap friends.

if someone is awful to you and a friend tells you to suck it up or she won't be friends with you anymore, she is not your friend either ergo, get rid of bully friend AND not-sticking-up-for-you friend.

you need friends who have your back, just like you have theirs.

Hello Mushroom

Facebook friends - that entitles you to choose your own friends or delete accordingly

Hen weekend - they were not your friends

Friends, acquaintances, work mates, neighbours, family - it takes time to build up how to handle different situations & experiences

Suggest think something like - I am a great person.
If you respect me you deserve to be my friend & share every good thing that the relationship brings
If you disrespect me, it is your loss, I have no time or energy for you

A few great friends are worth gold - think quality not quantity

Good luck

Yes, I stood up for myself with my sister and told her to stay out of it when I was upset with my son about his behavior (an unacceptable behavior). I did not like it when she was standing there like a audience and then started asking questions. (She was staying with me at the time) . She got mad and told me it was my tone and I treated her like a child. But i thought I was standing up for myself because it was between me and my son.