Big falling out over nothing, time to call it a day??

[VixforVictory]

That was until he asked me to post some stuff on eBay and one item looked like a present that had been given to him, probably by an ex. I had that minor hint of jealousy but didn’t say anything. DH can read me like a book and picked up on it, but as far as I was concerned there was nothing to say or to talk about, and most certainly nothing to fall out over. Next thing I know, he’s telling me how he sometimes wish he could just ‘walk away’, calling me ungrateful, telling me to find someone else and walking out of the door. I did try and say that he was taking it too far but he just went off like a rocket. So we both spent most of the afternoon doing our own thing, me out of the house. I then tried to talk but he really wasn’t giving me the time of the day. I tried to point out how absurd it was that we weren’t on speaking terms over absolutely nothing but he didn’t want to know. So now we are talking about separating. Have I gone crazy? How can somebody who continuously look after my needs and shows me with affection one minute, suddenly turn like this??

Vix, I am not one for automatically jumping to the OW conclusion but it does seem like your DH has latched onto a very innocuous situation as the starting point for separation. Maybe there is a back story but on this alone, I think you may find he is creating a situation to serve a purpose. That may be because there's someon else, or he just wants out. Either way I think it isn't that straight forward...

I would suggest you ask him outright, what is going on, I need an explanation.

Vix, either he's having a particularly crap day, or there's something going on underneath he needs to talk to you about. Ask him

Sometimes abusive partners can hold the threat of separation over your head to keep you in line. Especially when they know that is not what you want. How is your relationship like usually other than this incident?

OP you just said he continuously showers you with affection and looks after your needs so he sounds pretty great to be fair. You've said you showed 'a minor hint' of jealously and that was the catalyst. Maybe it felt more than minor to him. Rather than jumping on the 'he's abusive' bandwagon,he sounds anything but. Maybe it's your jealousy that's an issue?

Wasn't it positive he was getting rid of things from an ex? and making a bit of extra cash to boot to spend on you maybe??

Certainly doesn't sound like an abusive situation more just a silly one which I'm sure will blow over.

Talk about with him and see if there is a root cause.

Is this the first 'falling out' over nothing?

From experience, I would hazard a guess (and it's only a guess) that maybe he has already been harbouring the idea of splitting up and just needing an excuse t do it?

It's not a way to carry on and live your life. You need to have a really good think and look at your relationship and a good sit down and talk I think.

You say you had “ I had that minor hint of jealousy “ and he blew up over it. Did you actually say that you were jealous, or was it a case of you feeling it and him guessing? Maybe a slight lip wobble or an expression crossing your face before you could stop it?

I often feel twinges of jealousy with my DP, but I know that they are my problem as he hasn’t done anything that could make me feel righteous in my jealousy. They are negative feelings that I put aside and do not knit into some dreadful scenario. I tell myself I’m an idiot and to leave it at that.

If I’m reading your post right, I think you are the same. It was a twinge. You didn’t express it, go off at the deep end, put it aside. Is that right? If so, there is something wrong here. I’m not saying he’s playing away, but that sounds odd. Maybe he just wants out of the relationship and this’ll do as a reason.

Mind you, years ago, a friend of mine (for whom I had VERY non-platonic feelings) gave me a real tongue-lashing one day over a mutual acquaintance, how much I hated this girl, how I was utterly vile about her, how rude I was to her and there was no reason for it and she didn’t want to come along when there was a group gathering because I was so horrible to her. That really knocked me for six because I didn’t hate her at all. I wasn’t about to start a fan club, but I didn’t hate her and couldn’t think what on earth I’d said about/to her to give that impression. It turns out that she had asked him to go to bed with her and he thought I knew (I didn’t), so he knitted some massive green jealous monster between me and her. I wasn’t particularly jealous when I found out, but furious at him for inventing feelings I’d never had.

I think that separating from someone who won't talk things through with you is probably a good idea, regardless of the reason the argument started.

We all have baggage, sometimes it comes up when we least expect it, but in a good relationship you would be able to voice your feelings in a measured way and he would reassure you.

It sounds like you didn't say anything (for fear of exactly this happening?) and he still managed to make it into a big deal, so next time you will be even less likely to talk about any uncomfortable feelings you have.

I know how this feels, my relationship with DP was very similar to start with, but I have had to get brave and start confronting my feelings as they just fester otherwise and like your DH, he just knows something isn't right and won't let it go.

FWIW I can be properly jealous of DP and his ex and we have had lots of arguments stemming from this, but he is understanding and knows that it comes from a place of low self-esteem etc so he talks through it with me and makes me feel ok about things. Instead of getting defensive and acting as if I'm accusing him of something he can now look at it from my side and say "I understand why it upsets you, what do you need me do to make you feel ok about it?".

If you want to stay together you need to try talking to him about it in a different way, explain what you need to hear from him. He also needs to stop the sulking when you try to put it to rest. That's not a great quality in anyone.