AIBU re phone contact

[Minikievs]

This will be long, sorry. And thank you if you manage to get to the end.
I left my EA and PA husband in Nov, we have 2 DC, 4 & 1. He did not cope at all well with my leaving. Suicide threats (and apparent attempts) stays in psychiatric wards, arrested etc.

After seemingly never ending cycles of reasonable behaviour, hideous behaviour, ignoring, and start the cycle again, we now seem to be on a slightly better keel. The periods of reasonable behaviour are now lasting longer before they revert to the abusive texts/phone calls etc.

My issue is that he expects a nightly phone call from the DC. I don't have too much of an issue with this, other than the fact that as they are 4 & 1, facetime calls can be someway strained with me chasing them round the room trying to stop them from accidentally turning the phone off, camera off, playing with toys while they're talking etc etc. I do know that STBXH uses these calls to check where I am/what we've been doing/who we've been with, which pisses me off, but I have nothing to hide.

I do however resent phoning him when he's been an arsehole and has been sending abusive texts. For example today, he text to call me a fucking tramp as our youngest has been using a grobag that used to be my DN.

On days when he's been abusive, I refuse to call him, as I think if he's pissed and/or abusive and vindictive, then it is not a good environment to speak to the children in. He says that I'm using the kids, and when I'm angry then I punish him by stopping the calls. He's only ever gone a couple of days without a call, and has just started having 2 nights a week stay over contact with them (previously banned by SS).
I don't agree that I'm using the kids against him, and think my reasons for not calling on various days are entirely justified. But I can see why he thinks they're being used as punishment so AIBU?
As a side note, he worked away before I left so they were not used to seeing him every day anyway (and he never called every night to speak to them when I was with him)
Thank you for getting this far. I will take on board if IABU.

Tell him to fuck off.

That's probably not overly helpful but it sounds like nobody is getting anything out of this bar him getting to spy on you and intrude in your life.

Just in case no one has ever said this before.

You can stop the calls. You facilitate them, they are not old enough to do it themselves and you don't have to do it.

If you only communicated by email about the children (and only what you really need to like contact times) you could stop him abusing you. You don't have to put up with it.

for you

Agree. I would find this an intolerable intrusion too. He won't have been denied access by SS without good reason, so for him to now be granted the same amount of access as reasonable nrps is fair, which doesn't mean him spying on you in your home every evening. The how much does the one year old even understand?

YANBU.

You need to nip this use of phonecalls as a means to check up on you in the bud, now!

Tell him to buy a very cheap PAYG phone which you will keep at your house. If he wants to speak to his children, he can call that phone at a pre-arranged time, you can click the 'answer' button and pass it straight to the children. Don't be running around the room after them making sure they talk to him, simply hand the phone over to your 4 year old and leave them to it.

He, you, and we, all know, that the phonecalls are nothing to do with him wanting to speak to his children, and all about checking up and having some control over you.

So put a stop to it.

Sorry, just to add, my point being... Will he buy the PAYG phone and make the effort to call his kids once he realises you're not going to be playing along?... will he fuck.

What WickedWax says, no more facetime just a phone and don't chase them around the room if they refuse to talk to him/aren't interested just hang up and turn phone off until the next day.

I know. I do need to tell him to fuck the fuck off. But he then tells me to imagine how I would feel only seeing them twice a week, with no interaction in between. And the kids do love him, and enjoy seeing him. So I feel guilty and then ring. I know I facilitate it, but I feel guilty for taking the children away (for them, not for him.) I do not feel guilty at all for ending it though, he's an utter utter abusive twat.

Once a week, say on a Sunday night, should be enough. Stick to the same time every week. That's what I did with ex but even that fizzled out. My dc are older than yours but they weren't interested in calling him after a while and stopped asking. Calling every night is not necessary.

It's his behavior that led to only seeing them twice a week,nobody else's.
Stop calls or go with the payg,but stop letting him have power over you.

But he then tells me to imagine how I would feel only seeing them twice a week, with no interaction in between.

As long as you keep giving into emotional blackmail like this, he'll continue to use it, because it works.

Next time say "sorry you feel that way but I've told you how we're doing things from now on."