life after the storm- is there hope?

[rockinrobintweet]

my DD is 10 months. she was planned, me and my partner had been together for 2yrs, lived together and wanted to have a baby (not married). my pregnancy was good, however i found breast feeding hard and dp isn't very emotional/ supportive/ empathetic and so when dd was 2 months old i moved back home to my parents annix.

when dd was 4 months it came to the end of our tenancy agreement. we sold some furniture, but some in storage and DH came to the annix. this worked for a while, however after christmas (dd 7 months) dp moved to his mothers as we felt we needed space (there were 5 adults and dd in my parents house so was very cramped).

two evenings a week dp would come to my parents, see dd, have dinner and then leave. I am just finishing my BA honours degree so every Sunday dp has been having dd 9-3 so I can study.

since he left the annix we have grown further and further apart. dp has been socialising a lot with friends and he and i have been on 2 dates that frankly felt awkward. the last month of two we've particularly argued loads (about everything- it's like he and I hate who the other is now) and this week he informed me he didn't love me anymore.

ive done the crying and the shock and now I have had time to think i wonder if really i love him. i hadnt thought about it.. I'd just always assumed i did. and now I am sad.

sad it's over. sad we haven't worked. sad for dd. scared for mine and her future. scared I'll grow apart from her if she sees him an evening or 2 a week at the park and every Sunday.

what happens next? i have just returned to work (I am a specialist worker with autistic children so earn well but couldn't buy or probably even afford rent alone), i live in my parents annix with dd in my room, and we have a holiday booked in June.

will i meet somebody and feel the butterflies again? I don't desire to socialise much anymore, I like to be home with dd, so I guess I'd only meet somebody through uni (i start my masters in Jan).

or do I need to make it work because she's dd's father? im not in a hurry to meet somebody, I am just trying to gain some perspective for our future. im not very good at living in the moment.. and right now I feel lost.

sorry if that's a muddle- i just needed to type my thoughts. anyone with anything helpful or inspirational or that can provide a perspective would be much appreciated. thank you!

You've been living apart pretty much constantly since your DD was born. You seem to get on better apart than spending time together. At this point I would be aiming for a happy co-parenting agreement but nothing more as it seems that you've both changed and don't like each other much any more.

Is he paying you maintenance?

when you say it like that it sounds mad- we'd lived together for a year before dd was here and I loved our house together. I think that's why I am sad- I don't really know how we got here.

he pays me maintenance yeah. when I moved out the flat we finished having a joint account so he's been paying me money for quite a while. in fact really it's been like a 8 month slow separation.

im really ashamed. I never wanted to be a single mother.

You shouldn't be ashamed of being a single mother. Sounds like you're better off apart and as long as you can co-parent amicably and you and your dd can work towards a better future

Please don't be ashamed - these things just happen. No one plans it. And you don't need to make it work - just focus on co-parenting effectively, and your DD will be fine. It's very early days - things will settle down and feel normal again, I promise.

Don't be ashamed. Don't think ahead. Don't worry about what might be. Just take each day as it comes.

Nobody plans to be a single parent, sometimes it just happens that way.

Everything will work out, just hold on to that thought and keep getting through it one day at a time.

thank you for your lovely responses. I think I am most sad because like you've all said, I have to co-parent now. I hate being without dd and the thought of giving up every Sunday for him and her potentially sleeping at his makes me sad.

though maybe if I just look at it that i will have study time to do my masters then it's a positive. sorry- im thinking out loud again.

im very grateful for your responses. we have a holiday booked in June too.. don't know what he'll want to do about that. I hope he doesn't ask to come still.. that'll be bloody awkward!

Definitely don't be ashamed. Far better to split and be amicable co-parents to your DD than to spend the next 10 years resenting and sniping at each other.

Re the holiday - I would ask him about this now and if he has paid for half of it, see if you can "buy him out"?