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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stubbornness ruining our relationship

22 replies

Ste316 · 12/04/2015 13:55

Ok so I am not a reader of this site tbh but my other half is. It's the first thing that she does in the morning, when she gets home from work and I'm hoping this thread will somehow let her see the bigger picture and the damage it is doing.

She is now reading over my shoulder saying I need to use acronyms and I will get slated and she can predict what all the responses will say. Such as "if it's only 3 months leave her," "cut your losses," "if she's like this now imagine what she will be like in a few years."

So we have been dating for 3 months and one of the things that causes an issue is her stubbornness and it really upsets me and is stopping us from moving forward in my eyes. I really like her and at 34 years of age I have had my fair share of good and bad relationships and truly believe this can be a good one and the kind of lady I really would like a future with.

Now I am not against ppl having opinions and sticking to their personal values but when it's pure stubbornness over everything it really makes me upset and struggle to move forward.

The latest bout was that I noticed her doing squats incorrectly and mentioned this. Her reply was basically she got taught this and I have no qualifications or a personal trainer so my 16 yrs of going to the gym didn't stand for anything and I didn't know what I was talking about. So today I saw a video of my friend who is all these things plus more doing squats and I showed her the correct form. Now he is obviously doing it wrong in her opinion and so forth. She can never accept she does anything wrong and will not apologise under any circumstances.

Another example is I mentioned poker and she went on a rant about it and it ended in a little heated discussion. At the end she said oh I meant blackjack not poker. I said in jest "it's ok I accept your apology" she then went how she wouldn't apologise even in the wrong because I asked for it.

I'm unsure how to move forward with this problem before it escalates and we can't repair the damage or move forward as a couple.

OP posts:

Roseybee10 · 12/04/2015 13:59

Tbh at face value it sounds like you're nit picking her a lot and she's then feeling defensive about it and getting upset.
That's only from the examples you've given to be fair, but it comes across that you like to be right as much as her and can imagine that maybe irritates her as much as her behaviour irritates you.

Why did it really matter how she was doing squats? She probably felt criticised and jumped on the defensive. I'm not a stubborn person but I would probably have reacted in the same way if it was put to me like that.

VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 14:02

"cut your losses," "if she's like this now imagine what she will be like in a few years."

This ^^

To be honest I can be like this and if I was my DP I wouldn't put up with it. It's immature and ignorant. I think it's borne of insecurity and the idea that being wrong is a big weakness, yet if my DP and I have a debate and it turns out he's wrong I never think any less of him, so I don't know why it's such an issue in myself.

Is she a bad loser too? I am, it's awful. It's an incredibly hard thing to change in my experience, and she will have to admit how awful it is and want to change before she can even begin. Does she admit that?

Ragwort · 12/04/2015 14:14

it really makes me upset and struggle to move forward - if you are feeling like that after only 3 months why are you even bothering to continue in a relationship - you are not suited, say goodbye and move on. What is the point in trying to 'force' a relationship to work? .

cailindana · 12/04/2015 14:26

You sound incompatible to be honest. You like to butt into other people's activities to criticise them and tell them what they're doing wrong and she finds that incredibly annoying and gets defensive and stubborn to the point of not listening to you at all. You're going to drive each other up the wall.

sonjadog · 12/04/2015 14:41

You are not compatible.

HolgerDanske · 12/04/2015 14:44

Uhm. Do you really need a load of strangers to tell you that if three months in things aren't working, you're really better off cutting your losses?

Are people really this desperate to be in a relationship?

AnyFucker · 12/04/2015 17:10

Does anyone else think it's really crap when couples goad each other into coming on to a social networking site to see how many people who don't even know them to agree so that they can triumphantly pronounce "See! I told you I was right !"

If this is the best you can manage after 3 months, I'd give it up as a bad job now.

Fairenuff · 12/04/2015 17:24

It's been 3 months mate, who gives a toss? You should be having fun together not falling out over minor details.

(Tbh the squats one was just a matter of opinion, neither of you are trained)

I think she's right, you will get on each other's nerves.

scarletforya · 12/04/2015 17:24

You want her to apologise for doing squats wrong?

You sound very irritating and critical and obsessed with being 'right'.

ToYouToMe · 12/04/2015 18:17

Here's the problem Ste316: you're trying to be helpful, pointing out when things are not 'right'. You know, for instance, that doing squats with bad form makes them less effective.

She experiences your 'helpfulness' as criticism, gets defensive and doesn't want to take your views on board even if you are 'right'.

You're not likely to stop wanting to be helpful. She's not likely to change the way she responds.

Nolim · 12/04/2015 18:20

Stuborness is really annoying. Move on.

monkeysaymoo · 12/04/2015 18:30

Meh if she wants to do squats the way she does them so what? why is soooo very important she acknowledges you're right.

To be honest struggling and getting upset over something that's not that big a deal makes you sound a bit hard work. Unless you have some better examples I'm not sure what you're getting your knickers in a knot about

Wotsitsareafterme · 12/04/2015 20:44

Nit picking is a passion killer! My exh would have done the squats thing word for word. EXh.

Something I realised about my current relationship recently was when dp told me (v gently) I was overreacting to something was that was the first and only time to date he had ever criticised me. Because of that I actually listened. Because he wasn't doing it for the sake of it.

But meanwhile so what if the squats are wrong in your opinion. Your partner is an adult she can make up her own mind.

What's more important? Being right or being happy?

TokenGinger · 12/04/2015 20:59

She sounds like hard work.

If the guy I've been dating pointed out to me that I'd been doing squats wrong, I'd be grateful! I want an ass like Rihanna's and that's what squats are going to give me!

However, the fact that you've had to come on here, also with her knowing, all screams out to be a little bit childish to me, and almost like you're being stubborn too fornot accepting that her stubbornness is stubborn and therefore needing to make a point to prove she is stubborn, whilst your point proving is stubbornness in not just accepting she's being stubborn and moving on.

UnsolvedMystery · 12/04/2015 21:18

You sound very critical and need to be right. When you are "proved" right, you demand an apology. That's really not normal behaviour in a relationship.

Just go your separate ways and find other people who you are compatible with.

Pippa12 · 12/04/2015 21:32

If I could be bothered to do squats I'd be very agitated if my DH started to tell me I was doing it wrong!!! In fact I'd want to punch his living day lights out

If your winding each other up to this extent after 3 months one of you will be done for murder in 13 years ?? But if you truly think this could work start again and before either of you criticise the other- think long and hard if it's worth saying it! Ps. Squat advise is never worth it! Good luck.

MrsBlobby64 · 12/04/2015 21:46

You both sound very young & a bit immature for a serious committed relationship tbh...

maras2 · 13/04/2015 04:24

3 months in you should be shagging each other senseless.Stop being so bloody petty and start doing what comes naturally.

LondonZoo · 13/04/2015 04:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 13/04/2015 05:32

Give. It. Up. It's all so petty, and coming on here for mummy mumsnet to tell her to play nice is pathetic.
She's not going to change by the power of a mumsnet thread so for the love of God, 3 months in, cut your freaking losses and move on.

Isetan · 13/04/2015 05:40

If she's not prepared to consider the feelings of the person sat next to her and who she supposedly loves, I'm not sure why you think that she would listen to our opinions.

Seriously, if after three months you can not sit down and have an adult conversation with this woman, then really what is the point. Actually, you staying with someone like this, says more about you then it does about her. The question isn't 'why is she like this?' but 'why do I put up with it?'.

After three months you have the foundation set for a toxic dynamic.

You're not compatible! This is who she is, accept it or move on.

loveareadingthanks · 13/04/2015 10:12

Ok, so you are both people who like to be right all the time. And it's causing friction because you can't accept that in each other.

DP and I both think we are right all the time, and we have regular disagreements on the correct way to chop onions, for one example. Neither of us is going to budge. We laugh about it and carry on chopping onions our own way while still thinking the other person is wrong, but entitled to do it their way I suppose. The other night we had quite a heated discussion on what 'oubliette' means including googling for evidence. I'm right. I really am. Will DP back down? No, although he'll concede I'm partly right and he is partly right. (no!). Ultimately, who gives a damn, we just agree to disagree and get on with something else. No-one has to apologise or back down or make a big deal out of being acknowledged as ultimately 'right'. I know there are times when I've argued X is X, only to find out I was wrong in the end.

Normal people disagree on stuff all the time without taking it all so seriously. Sounds like a lot of hard work. Sounds like neither of you is going to change. This means it will always be happening. Think about whether this is what you can live with long-term.

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