Not in love anymore, scared and depressed

unhappymummy · 2006-11-02T16:25:41+00:00

It has been a little while since I've been on here but I really need some advice. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and got married last year. We have 2 beautiful children (ages 3 and nearly 2) whom we both adore. Since falling pregnant with ds1 I have lost all sexual desire towards my husband. This has been going on for nearly 4 years now with being able to count the amount of times we've had sex on one hand. My husband has been brilliant about it, very understanding after 2 caesars & breastfeeding etc. But as time goes on he is understandably getting fraustrated and is paranoid and jealous of any other man that I speak to. I have now realised that I am not in love with him anymore as I do have feelings for another man (I must stress that I hardly know this man and nothing has or would happen between us but I know that I do have sexual feelings rather than being completely devoid of them!) During an argument recently my husband said that if we split up he would "fight me for custody of the kids" and I know that he would be my worst enemy if that should happen. I am terrified that if I leave him I will lose my kids who mean the world to me but the alternative is to stay and make us both unhappy. Is it common for fathers to get custody? Please can anyone share their experiences as I am desperately unhappy at the moment and making myself ill because of worry. Thanks.

mascaraohara · 02/11/2006 16:28

Sorry, I have no advicee but didn't want the thread to go unanswered..

..am sure somebopdy wise will be along soon x

bluejelly · 02/11/2006 16:53

You poor thing
Have you had counselling together?
Worth trying relate I say, friend used them when she was having probs with her husband, they helped keep it amicable even though they split in the end

Mothers are usually awarded custody if there are no extenuating circumstnances but obviously no guarantees-- worth checking with a solicitor though i am just going on experience and anecdotes not hard evidence

Have you considered shared custody?

Do you have a RL friend you can talk things through with?

Take care and try not to worry too much. The situation is hard but not impossible

throckenholt · 02/11/2006 16:55

can you think back to what you saw in DH when you first got together ?

that often sort of gets lost in the hurly burly of family life with young kids.

Counselling may be a way forward - give you both a chance to say what you are feeling.

anniemac · 02/11/2006 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alibaldi · 02/11/2006 17:11

Firstly, he should never ever use the children as a threat of put them in the middle of any arguments. I speak as a woman who's in a very difficult situation. Please don't let him do that or do it yourself. If he adores his children what is so wrong with having Joint Custody with one parent having physical custody (ie residence).

I would recommend that you both go to counselling and try and work through your difficulties. This will either help you patch up your relationship and move it on to a better level (you can never go back to where you were) or it will help you realise that what you have is unsalvageable. That way you can talk about how you feel with a third party in a neutral location. You are not alone and I"m sure even wiser Mnetters will be along to advise you soon.

Original poster

unhappymummy · 02/11/2006 17:11

Thanks bluejelly. Yes we have tried relate for a while but was very expensive so we stopped going. I felt like I didn't want to be touched at all which the counsellor (and I at the time) thought was to do with having a traumatic caesarian with ds1. Hubby has been extremely patient and understanding and I feel so guilty. Our live is perfect except for this. We get on well but it's just like living with a friend. I now realise since feeling attracted to this other person that I'm just not in love with him anymore. It's making him miserable and he has said he feels like I'm slipping away from him which is right, I just haven't got the guts to tell him as I'm scared of the consequences regarding the kids. I have 2 dear friends, one on honeymoon and one just had baby a week ago so don't feel that I can talk to them at the moment, hence being here! Have been thinking of getting some legal advice. I just feel so sad at the thought that it will be me who is breaking up the family for my children when they love their Daddy so much.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 02/11/2006 17:16

Don't feel bad, sounds like you have been trying hard to fix things.
They will still have a daddy even if you split, so don't feel guilty about that.
Do you think having a perfect facade is doing your head in? Might be part of the prob?
Just thinking aloud but wondered if you were able to tell other people and your husband that things were bad then you might feel less under pressure?

Original poster

unhappymummy · 02/11/2006 17:17

Thanks bluejelly. Yes we have tried relate for a while but was very expensive so we stopped going. I felt like I didn't want to be touched at all which the counsellor (and I at the time) thought was to do with having a traumatic caesarian with ds1. Hubby has been extremely patient and understanding and I feel so guilty. Our live is perfect except for this. We get on well but it's just like living with a friend. I now realise since feeling attracted to this other person that I'm just not in love with him anymore. It's making him miserable and he has said he feels like I'm slipping away from him which is right, I just haven't got the guts to tell him as I'm scared of the consequences regarding the kids. I have 2 dear friends, one on honeymoon and one just had baby a week ago so don't feel that I can talk to them at the moment, hence being here! Have been thinking of getting some legal advice. I just feel so sad at the thought that it will be me who is breaking up the family for my children when they love their Daddy so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappymummy · 02/11/2006 17:34

Thanks bluejelly. Yes we have tried relate for a while but was very expensive so we stopped going. I felt like I didn't want to be touched at all which the counsellor (and I at the time) thought was to do with having a traumatic caesarian with ds1. Hubby has been extremely patient and understanding and I feel so guilty. Our live is perfect except for this. We get on well but it's just like living with a friend. I now realise since feeling attracted to this other person that I'm just not in love with him anymore. It's making him miserable and he has said he feels like I'm slipping away from him which is right, I just haven't got the guts to tell him as I'm scared of the consequences regarding the kids. I have 2 dear friends, one on honeymoon and one just had baby a week ago so don't feel that I can talk to them at the moment, hence being here! Have been thinking of getting some legal advice. I just feel so sad at the thought that it will be me who is breaking up the family for my children when they love their Daddy so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappymummy · 02/11/2006 17:42

OOPs! Seem to have posted message 3 times! Thought it was slow...! Thanks for your support. We rushed into things when we first met and looking back I think if we'd taken things more slowly then all this would never have happened. I have been drinking quite a lot in the evenings which I thought was just because of stress with young kids but I now see that I was covering up my feelings. I know that I really ought to tell hubby how I feel especially as he's suspicious already but I feel that if I do there will be no going back. If we had no kids then I would have split already so I know that I can't keep it together just for their sake as it's no good pretending and they'll find out in the end. It's just so scary and the thought of losing them is too much to bear.

OP posts:

Original poster

unhappymummy · 02/11/2006 17:46

I think as well that things have come to a head in my mind as I have realised I have feelings for someone else. I have to go now as hubby due home soon, will be back on later. Thanks so much for your support, it's really helped to get this off my chest xx

OP posts:

TimmyT · 01/10/2007 07:29

RE:Seperation adn Custordy. I was in a similar situation not so long ago. Me and my partner seperated and we had our 2 year old daughter. To avoid any custordy issues, we deciced on 50/50 custordy. So basicly my daughter would live with me for one week then with my partner for one week. I did check it out first, "google shared custordy".

We found that our daughter adapted quite well. I took about 1 month to settle. It did take the parents a little time to aggree in nightly routines, e.g bed time. The week i had my daugghter was gerat, we would do everything together. The week i did not have her was extreamly depressing, i resoted to drinking heavily to overcome anxiety. This did get better over time once i came to terms with the sepperationg and missing my daughter.

On another note, you can always call you children, i would call nearly every night to say good night. And now we have video phones.

I hope this may have helped a little.
Take care adn please remember, children are sponges, try not discuss anything if front of them not matter how young, They DO pick up on things. !!TRUST ME!!

tryingfortwo · 01/10/2007 09:44

Hi unhappymummy

Before you take any drastic action, have you tried not drinking for a few months, getting your head together in general, getting fit and healthy so your feeling good in general with or without loving your dh. Then, you will be more able to make a balanced rational decision and you'll be confident your making the right one.

It's not easy but instead of thinking about whether you do or don't love your husband just get on with your day to day, keep busy and treat him well as you would a good friend. Give yourself a time limit, such as 3 months and try your hardest to stay positive. At the end of that 3 months, then you can make your decision with a clear conscious.

From my own limited experience and that of my family and friend's vast experience, love is something which comes and goes and doesn't remain the same. Love as its known also requires a lot of hardwork from both sides for it to stay alive. Please don't confuse sexual attraction with love.

It just sounds like you've got a lovely loving husband and father there. I'm sorry if I'm wrong here, but it sounds like maybe your pretty unhappy and if your drinking every night then your gonna be making that worse.

dweezle · 01/10/2007 10:16

Agree with TFT on this one. Good men/fathers do not grow on trees - can you put any more effort into salvaging your relationship rather than ending it? Talk to your husband about your feelings. If you do decide to end your marriage and take up with the man you currently have feelings for, how do you know that these feelings will last. As far as the money which Relate costs, are you going to be worse off financially if you split with your husband? If this is the case, isn't it worth spending the money on Relate NOW? Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but I have one sister and one friend who have done what you are thinking of doing (i.e. ending marriage with a good husband but a husband they felt they no longer loved) and both have spent years regretting their decision.