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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Visit to DBs - your views please

14 replies

MillyMollyMandy78 · 12/04/2015 12:24

my brother and his wife live a four hour drive from me and we arranged a date for me to visit, that would be convenient to both of us. Confirming details by text on Monday, he confirmed fine to stay at theirs fri and sat night but he's 'gotta see someone sat evening' but otherwise all fine. Then on the fri afternoon DB text again to confirm i would be staying the sat night too and i said if that's still ok but whatever suits them best. He said again that fine to stay but he would be driving an hour away sat teatime to visit friend. I presumed he was prob out round town in the evening then back quite late so would just be me and SIL (who get along well with) and didn't think any more about it. Figured we still had rest of weekend to catch up etc.

I drove there straight from work on Friday night, getting there late evening. Was told soon after i got there that in fact DB was staying at his friend's house sat night (and guessing most of Sunday morning, as would have a hangover) and that SIL was staying the night at one of her friend's houses, so whilst i was welcome to stay at theirs i would be on my own from late sat afternoon and prob most of morning too, i would then usually leave early sun afternoon to drive home again. The choice was mine whether i stayed or came home, so i said i would come home sat afternoon instead.

I thought we usually get along fairly well, i enjoy their company and love them both and presumed the feeling was mutual. It is true that both me and DB aren't exactly talkers, but no issues etc that i am aware of. What would you make of this situation? I was actually quite upset and didn't exactly feel welcome on my visit.

I thought it was ver? rude to wait till i was there to tell me they were both spending one night elsewhere. If they had said beforehand, i could have chosen to reschedule for a more convenient time/ just stay the one night. It felt as though i was being pushed out. My sister (who lives nearby) was shocked that they had done that, and DH was really pissed off and thought it was a pretty horrible thing to do. I would never do that to guests, let alone when they had driven for 4 hours to visit me.

Part of me wonders whether they find it too hard work to spend the entire weekend with me - not noticed a problem in past, but they would never say anything. I don't see any point in talking to DB about it, as would just get defensive/ make me look like a drama queen. But I am thinking maybe next time i should just stay in a nearby hotel and just meet up for a few hours instead. What would you make of this situation? Would you be upset if you were me? What would you do for future visits?

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 12/04/2015 12:33

Wow that is extremely rude I certainly wouldn't be visiting them again, it sounds like they didnt want you there but didnt feel able to say so.

trappedinsuburbia · 12/04/2015 12:34

Do they visit you?

MillyMollyMandy78 · 12/04/2015 13:09

That's pretty much what DH said. They do occasionally visit me, (they visited me in November), but i am quite a bit older and my sister (who doesn't drive) also lives in same town so easier for me to go there. I go up every couple of months and alternate between DSis (who im pretty definate DOES want me there, as we talk frequently, and are also going away on holiday together this year, her suggestion) and DB. Never been a problem before now. To be fair, my brother now works abroad and only gets two weeks out of every eight back home, so obviously lots of people to squeeze in but think they should have at least made things clearer beforehand. Am tempted to just alternate between staying at sisters and a hotel in future. Dsis would say just to stay at hers each time, but i do suffer from low self esteem and worry about 'imposing' myself as it is, and this just makes me worry that about overstaying my welcome at Dsis's too! Then i can just meet up with DB and SIL for lunch etc rather and they can do their own thing for rest of weekend. Due to circumstances, i have only been doing this the last couple of years. Beforehand i stayed with parents, but went NC over 2 years ago. I know DB didnt fully agree with my actions at the time, but have always been made to feel welcome at theirs. What made it seem worse, was that SILs sister was also there, and will be staying at theirs for 10 weeks in total! Seems like a slap in the face that i wasnt wanted for 2 sodding nights!

OP posts:
MillyMollyMandy78 · 12/04/2015 18:08

And tbh it is a bit confusing cos he is always the one asking when I'm going to visit next (including this time) so bit of a conflicting message really. I keep trying to forget about it but it has been on my mind much of today

OP posts:
Headagainstwall · 12/04/2015 20:23

Do you think maybe, with the SILs sister being there for 10 weeks, they're perhaps just a bit sick of visitors? Could be nothing to do with you. Of course, he could have just said that and organised a better time for you to visit. But maybe he didn't want to offend?

RainbowMamaDarling · 12/04/2015 21:59

Why don't you just ask? Seems like it's on your mind and maybe it's nothing like what you are worrying about?

Good luck with it OP

Flyonthewindscreen · 12/04/2015 22:14

If you haven't noticed a problem in the past and your DB is always asking when you are visiting is is probably as Headagainstwall says, that they have had another family member staying there a lot and have had enough of visitors at the moment. Still very rude of them and they should have been honest with you. Why not stay with your Dsis for the next few visits? They are lucky it is you making all the effort!

esiotrot2015 · 12/04/2015 22:20

It sounds to me that although you do get on with sil and she likes you etc she threw a paddy when her husband said he was fecking off out on a night his sister was staying so she thought she'd do the same

more an issue between them than anything to do with you tbh

I wouldn't be happy if we organised for my inlaws to stay for example and dh said he would be away one of the nights
even though we get on well it seems off to leave me with them

MillyMollyMandy78 · 12/04/2015 23:28

Kamer - I agree that I should stay with my sister next few times and true they could just be fed up of visitors. I can understand that - May just message DB next couple of days and see if he can clarify things. I really don't know what to say though - I don't want there to be a problem cos of this!

Esio - I agree that sounds like SIL prob had a strop at the thought of being left with me while DB stayed night with his mate. I can fully understand feeling that DB was taking the pee with her.

But why not just say beforehand? Any ideas what I should say to DB - don't really want to speak to him: would rather text/ message him about it but I struggle to find the right words sometimes

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 12/04/2015 23:37

They really night have just double booked. I would just wait and see if they ask you to come again, if they do then it was just either them being thoughtless or having double booked and not knowing how to handle it. Maybe SiL had forgotten her arrangement and DB hadn't realised the nature of his. It sounds like they like you and want you around.

Flyonthewindscreen · 13/04/2015 11:30

I would wait until they ask you to stay with them and then clarify "are you sure its a good time as it was obviously not a good time for you before". Nothing confrontational about that.

MillyMollyMandy78 · 13/04/2015 12:44

I like that approach Kamer - thank you! To be fair though, i get lots of comments fromDB and DSis re dates for next visit, and always welcome at theirs etc but it is often me that says is it ok to stay at urs this time etc. Dsis has already offered for next time to stay at theirs, but what would you do. Just not ask DB and ask Dsis next few times? Then wait for DB to say something? Or just start staying at hotel (tho think dsis would be a bit hurt by this), and not assume i can stay at either place? I'm rubbish at this sort of thing!

OP posts:
sadwidow28 · 13/04/2015 13:13

I like Kamer's suggestion also. Try not to punish your DSis by staying in a hotel when it is 'her turn' to provide a bed. In fact, if you are an infrequent visitor, I would accept her very kind offer to stay at her home each time for the foreseeable future. It's not like you are there every other weekend is it?

It does sound as if your DB made another arrangement for when your visit was due and SIL decided she wasn't going to be left picking up the pieces. Don't blame your SIL - she possibly felt that she had to make a stance with your DB. She might even have thought that your DB would honour his arrangement with you if she said she would go elsewhere if he stayed out on Saturday.

The whole thing has back-fired spectacularly hasn't it.

Try not to think of it as something you did wrong. You didn't. You were caught as a piggy-in-the-middle of a domestic stand-off!

MillyMollyMandy78 · 13/04/2015 13:30

I tend to go up every couple of months so no not that often really. I will just try and forget about it I think - guess there's no point mentioning it unless necessary. But I think if DB mentions it in future maybe just say I didn't feel like I was particularly welcome this time and don't want to impose and that I found it rude and hurtful to wait till I was there to say they were both spending the night elsewhere? Perhaps in a more diplomatic way though

OP posts:
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