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Original poster

How long can you stay in a marriage that's over?

28 replies

Jose999 · 12/04/2015 11:03

How long can you realistically live in a marriage that is just about over but keeping it going for the children? Married 10 years, 2 dc (7 and 9).
We're just treading water, no real communication except for about children, tense discussions but no big rows, I'm mostly a SAHM (only work a few hours a week), separate bedrooms for the last 2 years and no physical contact. We only do things / go out together with the children. Neither of us prepared to leave.

OP posts:
newnamesamegame · 12/04/2015 11:31

People can do it for decades if they want to. But that doesn't mean its the right or healthy thing to do.
For what it's worth, children know when they're living through a bad marriage and over the long term will be happier with two separated, happy parents.
I understand this is a difficult jump to make -- it took me nearly two years to come to this realisation.

mrsdavidbowie · 12/04/2015 11:36

God what a miserable existence. We decided to divorce last October and thank god, we now are.
Initially thought we could grind it out till summer when kids exams over, but not a chance
Come Xmas it was horrible....still in same house. He moved end of Feb and it is like the sun is shining again.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/04/2015 12:07

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

Its never a good idea to stay for the sake of the children; it just teaches them that their own parents marriage was based on a lie and its a terrible burden to put on a child. It can skew their own views of relationships and forming them properly as adults.

You need to think long and hard here about why you are not prepared to leave. There is NO good reason for staying within such a relationship now.

Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships, what does it say about you as their parents? That the two of you were too selfish, full of pride and pig headed to part?. Your now young children will perhaps leave home as soon as they are able given that their homelife is not at all lovely. Particular scorn by the way will be reserved by them to you as their mother, they will see you as both weak and selfish. They are NOT going to say thanks mum for staying; they will instead call you daft for doing so and worse still think that you put him, your man whom you can barely stand, before them. Your own relationship with them going forward as adults could be irreparably damaged.

Do the right thing here and free yourselves from this miserable marriage rather than suffer the next x number of years full of resentment and hate towards each other.

Your children know far more than you both care or want to realise., they certainly know that all is not well in their parents marriage and perhaps even blame themselves for their parents troubles.

Idontknowwhatitisimwithout · 12/04/2015 12:13

It sounds like a pressure cooker Flowers for you. How about relate or something where someone else is present to really thrash out the issues & bring something to a conclusion? What would you like in an ideal world?

Idontknowwhatitisimwithout · 12/04/2015 12:22

Btw I'm in the same situation! I have a plan of sorts, waiting until my ds sits his 11+ (He may well be aware all is not well but I don't want to implode things until at least then) and I'm starting a new course in May which I hope will lead to financial independence. I feel better having a plan.

bobs123 · 12/04/2015 12:28

As someone who has been through the same and only now getting divorced with DC 18 & 21, if I could go back I would have done it far sooner. They were really quite damaged through the teenage years, and I never thought the time was right once it got to GCSEs, A Levels etc.

If you could both agree that you have had no real marriage, you could get a divorce based on 2 years separation. You are not doing the DC any favours if they are living in a tense atmosphere and you have exhausted all possibility of making your marriage work Flowers

lotsofcheese · 12/04/2015 12:32

OP, could you put a plan in place for making an exit? eg working more hours, seeing a lawyer, preparing DC?

It sounds more of an existence than a life.

Original poster
Jose999 · 12/04/2015 13:15

Yes (with a long sigh), I think you are all right. I think we would like to think we're doing what's best for the children. I guess I'm just not sure I'll cope with dc on my own, dh doesn't want to live without them, both don't want to give up our lifestyle / home / downgrade financially. We've been like this for so long not sure which way to go but yes, quite a tense household.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 12/04/2015 16:05

You sound very tired of your current situation. It is scary to change things but what you've got is not the life you want. You will probably look back and think 'why did I leave it so long?'. There is never a 'good time'. And you will cope with the dc on your own. They will be sad and upset too. It is a huge thing, but it is not just a decision for you - your children deserve a calm, secure and loving home. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. This is not a good example for them and it must be pretty difficult for them already.

You need to pull all your courage together and make a move. lotsofcheese has put it better and more succinctly than me, and I agree with all of it.

Start a plan to do all those things. Investigate working more hours, and definitely see a lawyer. Start to see divorce as a real option, not a failure.

TheQuiet · 12/04/2015 17:09

But have you actually tried to discuss it? To re-envigrate the relationship?

If you are staying together, you might try to work on it, both of you?

Fairenuff · 12/04/2015 17:27

Depends how long you want the children to suffer in this atmosphere.

If they are your priority sort out the separation as quickly and amicably as you can.

If not you can hang on to the lifestyle/financial security/home that you don't want to give up.

It's up to you really.

TheQuiet · 12/04/2015 18:23

Fairnuff, your cathegorical statements are generalisations that may not hold any relevance to OP family in their particular circumstances. Your advice is based on hidden assumptions about the present and future life of the couple that may not apply to some families.

OP did not articulate why there is no communication, why are they in separate bedrooms and why are they still together.

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 18:41

I admit I'm not familiar with the term cathegorical, but I can't see anything to dispute in what Faire said Confused. Which bit do you disagree with?

Joysmum · 12/04/2015 18:47

Trouble is that by staying you are modelling what a marriage is to your kids.

I know because my views were shaped by my parents marriage which was the same as yours.

Ok enough relationships were marriage potential to me and I didn't know what real love was as i hadn't seen it.

I led a fucked up early adulthood and stayed in a relationship where I'd been raped because I honestly didn't realise it wasn't love Sad

RandomMess · 12/04/2015 18:47

Well you could take the plunge and divorce and continue (for now) in a house share arrangement. Obviously when either of you meet someone new where you want to move in together everything will have to change.

You could progress to running a flat/room in a shared house where you each spend half the week living with the dc and swapping to live in the flat.

Not conventional but using a counsellor/therapist to mediate whilst you discuss such options could help you both be more honest about what you want in the future etc.

Original poster
Jose999 · 12/04/2015 18:52

Thanks for the supportive messages. Really difficult to know what to do. We just gradually stopped communicating about other things and I can't see how we ever get back to where we were. We don't get anywhere when we talk about it.
Yes, I think separating would be the best option eventually but not sure how to do this when dh doesn't want to and just wants to plod on despite the tension. Our marriage is just a front.
It is just an existence and at 38 not one I really want.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/04/2015 18:57

Book a couples therapist and insist that dh goes with you. It may help you discover why you're going around in circles, it may make you decide to work at your marriage, may help your dh accept that it is over and that you need to separate for the dc sake.

Whatever the outcome I'd do it because you're both going to end up very unhappy and just existing which is so unfair on your dc Flowers

Vivacia · 12/04/2015 19:18

I agree, I think that Relate would be a good idea for you both (or if he won't go, just for you). They are apparently good for couples separating as much as staying together.

Charley50 · 12/04/2015 19:35

I agree with getting counselling, hopefully together. You might either find a way back to loving each other or a way to separate amicably.
Why do you sleep in seperate bedrooms and not have sex?

Original poster
Jose999 · 12/04/2015 20:20

I'll have a think about counselling, not sure I can see both of us there, I think things are too far gone.

We gradually moved to separate rooms when dc were younger and then it just became more permanent. I can't see how we can change that now.

I think if I want to get us out of this situation, I'll have to be the one to do something, he's just not going to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jose999 · 12/04/2015 20:21

Yes, I do wonder what dc are going to make of all of this in the next few years.

OP posts:
Crazyqueenofthecatladies · 12/04/2015 20:35

You are far too young for this to be the rest of your life. My marriage ended rather abruptly NYE 2013 after a slow, painful, awful decline that took three years. Sometimes I'm lonely, sometimes I'm scared, always... I'm grateful and utterly f*cking relieved.

phoenixrose314 · 12/04/2015 20:38

I have a story to share with you that you are probably not going to like.

I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl who was living as a child of a relationship like the one you describe. Her parents were two people who co-existed, but had their own lives, barely communicated and eventually tension grew to bitterness, and they ended up sniping and fighting with each other more or less constantly. Now my girlfriend genuinely believed it was HER responsibility to always be home to smooth things over and act as a human buffer between the pair of them. It ended up being one of the reasons we broke up - she would never leave the house, feeling that she needed to be there. She was anxious about it, tearful about it, and felt the weight of their relationship upon HER shoulders. She believes it was her fault - not only that they eventually divorced, but that her parents marriage began to fall apart in the first place.

She is now living with a lovely man and they seem really happy together - but she has decided she will never have children. Has always been adamant about it. When pushed for a reason, she gives a variety of quite vague reasons, but they all centre around the theme that she wouldn't want to bring a child into the world because she doesn't want to mess them up and ruin their lives.

I hope you'll take something from this story. Children look to their parents to see what love looks like - they form their ideas of relationships based on what they see in their own environment, so whatever makes that environment a happy one will be the best course of action.

Good luck to you. If re-connection is possible, it's worth a try (if you're both willing) - if not, an amicable break up would be the best thing for the children. Flowers

Original poster
Jose999 · 13/04/2015 06:36

I appreciate you telling me that, that does sound awful and isn't what I would want for dc. I guess we like to think that our situation would be different but I suppose any form of an unhappy marriage will have an effect on dc however it is expressed. I'll have to take the plunge and do something.

OP posts:
ineedabodytransplant · 13/04/2015 10:50

Slightly different in ways as our girls were late teens when my wife decided that intimancy was off of the cards for us(I was 41 she was 39). We ended up acting like we were friends when we went out for days.
I tried to stick to our vows and lasted 17 years before I realised that I didn't want to go to my grave without knowing some kind of intimancy again. Yes, I would like the sexual side of things but in all honesty it's the kissing and cuddling I missthe most. I can't remember what it is like to wake up next to someone. OK, I haven't managed 'any' since we split late last year but at least I know that if, by any chance, I met someone I wouldn't be doing the wrong thing.
My ex wouldn't do counselling. If you can persuade your OH to go then it's to be recommended although I don't know the ins and outs.
You're still very young at 38 so you need to sort things out soon before you too look back at the years you've wasted.
And breath......