Is it normal to feel this much guilt and irritation at the same time? (long)

[newnamesamegame]

DH and I are separating at the moment. At the moment (and this is one of the factors in our split) I am doing about 95% of the childcare on top of a 60-hour a week full time job. It has always fallen to me to do most of this and now he's checking out he basically has washed his hands of all but the most superficial, Disney Dad-ish bits of care. Hasn't given her a bath for months, hasn't prepared a meal for her, doesn't take her out, doesn't hang out with her. I don't have family near and basically don't have any other childcare support outside of working hours.

DD is 4 and an only child and I love her to bits and love hanging out with her but I'm just tearing my hair out at the lack of privacy and me time at the moment and really struggling not to express my irritation to her. I know I'm lucky to be able to spend valuable time with her weekends and how lucky I am generally. But I just really want some time on my own.

She is not clingy as such but she wants me to be involved in absolutely everything she does at every minute of the day from waking up until going to sleep. If I go to the loo or try to have a bath or take half an hour out to do a bit of work catch-up she is hanging off me. She won't let me cook a meal or make a phone call without shoving something under my nose.

I make a point of always trying to spend at least an hour playing with her on an uninterrupted basis on work days, not including bath/eating/bedtime preparation time, and at weekends I always take her out somewhere and then play as much as possible and generally give her as much quality time as possible.

But with the best will in the world I have to get other things done in the house and in my life and at the moment she seems to have no capacity to entertain herself. This morning I was getting some work done which I need to deliver to my work by noon. For 45 minutes she did not stop lolling on my lap, bashing my keyboard, bringing various toys to show me, singing so loudly I couldn't concentrate. I got to a point where I wanted to say "just leave me the f* alone for five minutes or I'm going to go crazy." I didn't say it. But I wanted to really badly.

I am worried that my reaction to my stress is feeding a negative feedback loop and she is picking up on this and demanding all my attention. I'm worried that I am neglecting her. I'm worried that she is playing up because of the split. I try so hard to lavish as much attention on her as possible but I worry I'm too distracted, too selfish.

Is this normal? Or am I communicating negative emotions to her which are damaging?

It sounds to me like your DD needs to learn to entertain herself. I can't imagine my daughters acting like that at 4.

And you need to get her dad to step up more.

Try saying to her "right, I'm going to do xyz whilst I'm doing that you need to do xyz and when I'm finished I'll come look and then we'll do something"

I have two like this and they are not much better now they are older. I would set up the play dough or lots of felt pens and paper in front of the television. Or games on the iPad. That keeps them quiet for a good half hour sometimes more.

Some children are just needier than others.

BeeRayKay that's interesting -- so do you think I need to be tougher about doing stuff that doesn't involve her?

For example I feel terrible guilt when I go to have a bath or do some work, like I'm neglecting her. I have to do it, obviously, but I wonder if she plays on this. She is an only and I think that's a factor.

The issue with the dad is that he's moving out in a week or so, not his choice, so he's doing a big passive aggressive sulk. Once he's out I'm going to hold the line on this but at the moment my priority is to get him out without further backtracking or drama so don't really want to create trouble on another front.

My son was like this but the moment we actually split up, he was back to normal.

With him, it was stress. If that might be the case with your daughter, please, please don't try to push her away, no matter how much you feel like you're being mauled. I would love-bomb her to reassure her that her world is actually safe.

Where's her dad in all of this? When do they get to spend time together?

Vivacia he spends limited amounts of time with her but on his own terms and fits her around the other stuff he does (working, watching TV, sleeping on the sofa, mainly). He almost never takes her out on his own.

I realise this is not ideal but its taken me nearly four months to persuade him to move out. He has now agreed to do this and I'm loathe to do anything which will prompt another back-track by him.

Is it possible to make a start on formal access arrangements? One evening a week and every other weekend?

Is this recent behaviour? I sense that she's feeling very insecure and is picking up on either your anxiety or the tension between you and her dad. Perhaps, as her primary carer, she doesn't feel that you're as emotionally available as usual. You're all going through a tough time and I think it's an inevitable stage that she's going through. I think you're right in that her behaviour towards you is accentuated as an only child. It sounds as if you're doing all the right things. Hopefully she will settle down once the whole process is over.

I completely agree with imperial.
It could well be the stress of the situation that's making her behave like this. My DD was exactly as you describe and my DS1 used to get anxious when I went out - he always asked if I was going to come back.
When I split with my ex he made things very tough for me and i have no family close by so I ended up in a work/child care situation much like you describe.
The only way I could get any time to myself was to get a babysitter. It was well worth it.
As for the DC being clingy, it got better quite quickly when he moved out, even though he hardly saw them.
Good luck!

Ebony hard for me to judge this... she's always been quite unwilling to play alone for any length of time. I don't know if she's become worse, or its just that I am feeling it more because a) I'm quite stressed anyway and b) I have even less childcare support than I have had in the past.

She doesn't seem upset as such, but she is incredibly demanding. I'm fully prepared for her to play up and will take it as it comes. I just want to reassure myself that I'm reacting appropriately to it. I feel like every fibre in my body is screaming out for a bit of time alone at the moment and I don't know if that's a normal reaction.

I feel like no more than 10 seconds ever passes in a day without her shouting "mum" at me. If I say to her "mum is cooking/having a bath/sending an email I will be with you shortly" she just ignores me and carries on calling for me. I don't know if she doesn't understand that I'm busy or is just being demanding. I'm just at my wits' end with it.

The single mums among you are probably rolling your eyes and saying "welcome to the world"... I am just struggling with it a bit at the moment.

Mine is like this, and I'm not going through a break up. It's just what she's like! She's also 4 & an only child & I totally get where you're coming from on the internal screaming thing. I think it has a lot to do with her being an only child. One thing I've found is that if I invite a friend over (one of hers, not mine - I can barely get through a conversation without interruption with my own friends) I can actually get stuff done. Is this an option for you?

Your H is a dick, by the way, for doing even less than usual.

I try so hard to lavish as much attention on her as possible

That's very probably one of the reasons she is so demanding of your time. She doesn't need 'lavish' attention, just bog standard attention.

You have set the bar - and it is claustrophobic, probably for both of you in your different ways.

Ditch the guilt! Easier said than done I appreciate. Really, guilt is a killer, for both of you. It sends her the message she is incapable without you.

She's bound to be a bit clingy with what's going on but you're not in a parenting competition, you don't have to be the all-singing/dancing/glorious parent. A bog standard parent will do - and is the best for her imo. You don't have to labour it; it's what you do not what you say that sends the biggest message. If you 'ignore' her she'll eventually (!) drift off and see to herself. Just don't 'lavish' her when the time comes for 121 time, or it will set up the whole thing again, like a drug - confusing for her. Who wouldn't want to be lavished with attention 24/7? It's very seductive but, ultimately, not good for development.

My DS was a right handful when things were horrible between me and his dad at home. Be patient, she will settle down when he has gone. You can work on getting her more independent after that has happened. I know it's hard (believe me!) but I now have a lovely life with a fabulous 6 year old who is very good at entertaining himself.

Thanks everyone. I am just struggling with it a bit at the moment.

I bet! It is really hard, esp if there's a split - guilt overdrive! T-shirt. God, I felt so guilty.

I once hid in the wardrobe to get away from my kids

Re 'ignoring' her - the positive affirmation thing. If when she calls 'mum!' every 5 seconds you answer, that's giving a positive response. She doesnt take a blind bit of notice of what you've actually said, she just got a good stroke by your answering, which is all she wanted. Don't answer (torture I know). She'll come to you and demand why you haven't answered - be distracted: 'hmm?', not looking (torture I know). She'll get your attention at appropriate times (just not too much eh?). She's not a flower who is going to break.

I'm not talking down to you here. I've been there, it's really hard. Do you want to hear the worst story? One of my boys took to saying 'I love you mum!' a kazillion bajillion times a day. It was SO wearing. One day I snapped at him in the supermarket 'alRIGHT!'. Had to be in public didn't it

Good post springy

springy my daughter also does the "I love you mum" thing. I love it and tbh would just be worried if she stopped it.

I'm going to throw a hug your way.

I was talking to my MIL earlier, and my husband was an only child and her a single parent.

And she said that she used to hide in the bathroom from him sometimes.

I think all the advice you've been given is great. And I'll add "stop feeling guilty"

you need to take care of you, so you can take care of her. Set her up with an activity, leave her to it. If she wants you, she comes to you. And waits patiently whilst you finish the immiediacy of the task and can give her your attention.

I refuse to respond to either of my girls if they shout to me. They learnt they had to come to the room I'm in. (Unless they're in bed and they're upset obviously)

Thanks all, I know I'm probably over-thinking this. Good to bounce off other people though.

Then I'm a crappier mother than you, new