Am I at all in the wrong here? Beginning to doubt self.

[cansu]

Ok so not a great relationship for along time. Have been together twenty years. Dp is definitely aspergers and this does affect how he behaves. Latest argument led to him shoving me, grabbing my throat and threatening to punch me if I didn't shut up. I am totally stunned and v upset. It has been a week now since the incident and he is now trying to act as if it never happened. I have refused to do this and have told him exactly how I feel and am barely speaking to him apart from exchanging essential info about kids etc. he again tried to pretend nothing has happened this am and I told him how angry I was that he could treat me like this after twenty years together. He started shouting back at me and told me that he didn't hit me and that I should stop trying to wind him up. ( I refused to be quiet during original argument and stood my ground. He had told me not to say another word or he would fucking punch me, of course I did I told him he was a dick) maybe I shouldn't have done that but I refuse to be controlled by him and his threats of violence.

Am I wrong? I don't know what I am going to do tbh. Part of me thinks that I should start saving to get out as he refuses point blank to move out. He will undoubtedly be nasty and vindictive when he sees I am leaving. Another a part says pack a case and leave now, but I would have to leave my ds here with him as he is severely autistic and couldn't cope with living out of a suitcase or staying anywhere else. Am I in any way in the wrong? Is it partly my fault for pushing him when he was clearly v angry.

Of course you are not wrong. The only thing you should have done is called the police when he assaulted you. It makes it easier to get him out of the house.

It is not your fault. Call the police, tell him he grabbed your throat. They can get him out of the house for you, he assaulted you. And then divorce the hell out of the nasty fucker.

What Glasto said. The ASD isn't an adequate excuse. There are plenty of men with Aspergers who don't violently abuse their partners.

Of course you're not in the wrong but you shouldn't have to be the one who leaves!

Do you mean you physically pushed him, or more in the sense of 'pushed his buttons' by refusing to be quiet when he ordered you to? I'm not sure it greatly matters but just to understand what happened.

You can go to the police and tell them that he shoved you, grabbed your throat and threatened to punch you. They will not say "he didn't hit you so no crime has been committed" - because it has. He has assaulted you. And actually the throat grabbing is a very worrying sign because it is very easy to strangle someone accidentally.

It is incredibly common for people who have been assaulted by their spouse to think it is their fault for having wound them up. It is also incredibly common for the abuser to say it is your fault, that you wound them up, to minimise what happened ("it's not like I punched you") and deny that anything did. Please have a look at the Women's Aid website for more information. One of the best talks on domestic violence that I've ever seen is this Ted talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner. Her experience was far more severe than yours (so far) but I think you could get a lot out of watching it, not least because I suspect you are going to recoil at the suggestion that this was domestic violence.

In terms of the Aspergers, about his father's PTSD and subsequent domestic violence (not condoning it for one second, I should stress).

I understand why you are reluctant to put your son through an upheaval but I would urge you to consider getting your DP out of the house. The next assault could be very serious.

Thanks I mean pushed his buttons. I have never physically pushed him. I know it is abusive but you are right I am reluctant to make any kind of report.

You could contact women's aid for advice on your options. It doesn't seem right that you should leave your home and family because of his behaviour. He doesn't even seem to think he has done something wrong. Can you imagine grabbing anyone by the throat and thinking it is justified? His thinking is dangerous and fucked up.

I think that is what is keeping me here tbh. I am furious that I will have to leave my home. I have no idea how he can justify it to himself but seemingly he can. I will try women's aid and see what they say. I was thinking of offering him money to get him out but he is unlikely to accept.

Hold on to that fury, don't let this be swept under the carpet.

I am not pressuring you to go to the police, only you can know what is right for you. But I would say if you wouldn't accept this assault from a stranger in the street, why accept it from someone who is supposed to care for you.

I hope women's aid help you find a solution that works for you.

Ok so he was violent a week ago and now he's threatening more unless you accept the last lot. You're on that slippery slope. He's shown he sees violence as acceptable and is not at all remorseful. You're in a relationship where domestic violence is now normal to your husband.

Seriously it's time to call time

Go to the police and get it on record.

He has been very violent. Shows no sorry and is threatening to do it again.

What is the position with the house? Owned, rented?

Start the ball rolling to get yourself and DC safe.

You can get him out by calling the police and tell them you are frightened as your husband is treating you and is mentally abusing you.
They will come round take statement.

If your husband is at work they will phone him on mobile and tell him not to come back to the house until tomorrow when they will meet him there to get his stuff(you don't have to be in) he will not be allowed to come near the house.

My friend did this, they only rented a place(wish my the way was his flat) she now still lives there with baby.

what mini said.
go to the police.