what can I do to make this better?

[therealsquireofwideacre]

I've been married for over 20 years and have young children as well as adult children. My marriage was always a traditional one - dh worked, I looked after children and home, did some part time work.

I supported dh through two career changes when he went back to college full time twice. Times were hard but I trusted his choices would lead to better job prospects. We moved area twice to pursue his dreams. Neither career came to anything. I dropped out of university (as a mature student) because dh could not support me through it and that seemed to set a pattern where whatever plans I made, somehow they failed because dh's needs came first. I tried hard not to feel resentful because our faith puts men before women. That faith no longer feels real to me and I miss it.

We have been through some difficult situations together and always come through them but about 3 years ago he said something to me that hurt very much and something in me shifted.

Then 2 years ago dh decided he wanted to run a business. He resigned from work with no plans for how we would pay the mortgage. We had a 6 month old. I found a job and now work up to 60 hours a week to pay our mortgage and bills while dh plays at running a business that will never support us (think charming rural craft - lovely at a farmers' market but won't pay the bills).

When I look back I think that dh always wanted an excuse to be at home all day. He didn't enjoy work and is happy to do very little. We had a very easy going relationship and were good friends so I tried to be understanding of the pressure he must have felt to pay the bills.

Dh no longer has sex with me, I don't understand why. I don't think he has anyone else as he has such limited opportunities.

If I talk to him about being unhappy dh will listen to me and the following day it will be as though I never spoke. He has everything he wanted now - an undemanding business and all day at home, mainly pleasing himself and not really interacting with the children. He potters around the house but does no meaningful cleaning. He does cook though, which I'm grateful for.

When I read this back I come across as some kind of doormat.... I stuck with dh for faith based reasons and because we are both laid back people, but now I feel pushed too far.
I don't know how to make this better. We have been married such a long time that it seems terrible to contemplate throwing it away, but I am so unhappy. Have I left it to late to start again? Should I stick with it? It's hard to shake a lifetime of believing that my needs will always come second to my husband's and I feel selfish for thinking like this.

It is never too late to chase happiness. Go find yours. LTB and good luck.

I don't blame you for feeling angry. Does he know you're not happy with it? He may see himself as the sahp and you are the worker and think you're fine with that.

OP. It sounds tough.

You are not selfish for not acting to always come second.

I think in your position, I would have a serious think about how it would work if I went it alone. Where would you live? Could you carry on your current job? What support would you have? Doing this would give you confidence that you do have a real and viable alternative to your present situation.

But, 20 years is a long time. I would not want to give up on that easily. Would you consider couples counselling with a neutral third party, to see if he is aware of his behaviour, or can be made aware.? If not, or he doesn't care, then life is really too short to be miserable. Is this the kind of relationship you old want for your own children?

Are you saying you'd stay with him despitebbeing miserable simply because you've spent so long together?

You only get one life. Even if your faith says otherwise, truth is no one truly knows! So live this life as best you can.

I think it sounds like you know you need to move on but don't know quite how to do it... Perhaps you're in the early stages of realising this and more time will need to pass for you to imagine and start believing that it's possible. And it is possible. It is likely to be challenging though!

Good luck xx

I feel as though I know where you are coming from. I've been with DH for nearly 20 years and over the past 2 months, things have crumbled. I'm
certain there's no one else involved but that doesn't really make me feel
any better.
I always thought that I could always count on him loving me unconditionally and it turns out I can't.

I'm guessing that if your faith says that it is your job to support your husband and put his needs before yours, it also says that it is his job to provide for you and the family. He is the one breaking the contract, not you.

Bloody hell, OP, he's king of the cocklodgers, isn't he?

Twice you supported him while he fucked up 2 potential careers, then he failed to support you and now you're working your arse off so he can play at being Mr Artisan in his rustic apron and bringing in pennies

Normally this is where a poster asks if he has a golden cock - yet he's not even delivering on that front! All I can say is his meals had better be bloody delicious.

Please OP, have a think about getting out of his fantasy world and putting yourself first for a change.

LTB. Grateful he cooks. Do you show that gratitude? No wonder he behaves the way he does. He does fuck all and you are still grateful he cooks occasionally. Sorry to sound harsh but you sound like you are partly responsible for the position you are in as you have bent over backwards to facilitate his twattishness from the get go. Get angry OP. Explain how he has fucked up over and over and it stops now or else, and mean it! Most people would love to be kept but he is demeaning you and himself. He needs a reality check and it has to come from you.

monahue I'm sorry you're feeling similar.

It's very difficult to step outside of a faith culture that condones the way my dh has behaved. I will lose friends and a community by breaking this marriage up and as a pp said, it's maybe not quite time yet. But I can't honestly say I love or respect my dh, so it will come. Thank you for giving me some objective perspective.