Shy guy in a relationship

[mn11042015]

I am a very shy and introverted man close to his 30s. I met my first ever girlfriend only 6 months ago. We have dated, travelled on short journeys, kissed, hugged, cooked for each other, text each other daily and have very long calls weekly, etc etc. So it clearly seems we are getting along over these 6 months.

But my social confidence with people is almost nil. I am very quiet and shy. She isn't. I have very few friends, but then I don't really want more, I'm content like this. If I'm not at work or going out with her, then I am 90% at home. Again, I am happy like this and am content between work and home life - not because I am afraid of going out - I go if I need to go without problem.

But she is well aware of my shyness. She wants a guy who is confident, 'manly', who can support her in any situation, be social with her friends and family. She doesn't want to be counselling me or being my social therapist (which girl would!). We have talked about this a few times and I understand where she is coming from, and I do accept that I can be weak in these areas because of my shyness and social inexperience. I have been extremely open with her about my social anxiety, describing how I am shy in different situations, and she has seen it - it's not attractive! She has even advised that I try social therapy (I have kept it in mind but I'm not sure if I am ready). Aside from this, we have a LOT of common interests and agree with the same things in life. If it wasn't for my anxiety, we would be perfect for each other, without a doubt.

I feel that down the line, my social weakness and insecurities may end us - she is aware of them. I can't see myself repairing nearly 30 years of deep social anxiety soon enough to prevent us from breaking apart. Any thoughts or advice much appreciated.

Seems as though she's the one who has a problem with your shyness.

"She wants a guy who is confident, 'manly', who can support her in any situation, be social with her friends and family."

Has she actually told you this or are you just assuming that's what she wants? The 'manly' thing is crap really; does she expect you to rugby tackle her dad everytime you see him or something?

I dunno, I wish you all the best OP, but from my experience this kind of thing won't end up well if she feels you are a "fixer-upper" and actively wants you to change yourself in something as fundamental as this.

No blame on either of you, but I think if you continue this relationship you'll both end up frustrated and resentful. Common interests and getting along in small, non-stressful areas of life are all very well but I don't think they're enough to compensate for this.

You sound like my friend. In fact, I think you are my friend ignoring the fact that the Internet is world wide web.

You are who you are. There are steps you can take to overcome this. CBT is a fantastic therapeutic way to approach this. The last thing I'd suggest is any kind of tablet that suppresses the anxiety.

You obviously want to make a change, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help. And I think that's the best way to go about changing your thought processes that create your social anxiety.

I'm not sure there's a cute for shyness. This may be alleviated somewhat following the CBT but you're either loud and bubbly or laid back. And that actually isn't an issue.

Sounds like she wants to change you into something you are not. She should accept and love you for who you are, not what she wants you to be.
If you want to change for yourself, improve your confidence etc, by all means go for it. But don't change just because someone else wants you to.

She has told me, I'm not assuming. We do casually talk about the future together, what we both want in life, our intentions being long-term, how we may see ourselves together one day, and that was one of the points that came up.

I agree the 'manly' alpha-male thing is nonsense, but what she meant is she wants a confident man, not where she is more confident than the guy. She doesn't mean 'manly' in the arrogant aggressive way (she said this herself, too), but confident when he needs to be, instead of someone who may shy away. She has said if she visualises me in-front of her family one day, I will be really quiet and shy among them (and I agree to it, I am somewhat like this).

She does like to talk to me, we share intimate moments, she even lets me know when she's free so we can meet up and be together in the week or weekend. She genuinely does want to spend time with me. She knows I'm not looking at her as just a friend - she knows my intentions are long term with her (I have told her), and she isn't looking for just friends either.

I know it's only six months so we have yet to see how we develop of course, but if it wasn't for my shyness we do seem very compatible and have both agreed on it, and I fear losing her.

Also, there is a difference between being shy and being quiet or cynical.

When I was a little kid I used to absolutely hate it if my mum or dad said to me things like, "Go and get your picture and show Nanny". I used to shake my head and they'd be like, "Oh he's just being shy". NO, it's because even as a small boy I could see how set up and contrived the whole thing was; it's crap. "If Nan wants to see my picture tell her it's in my bedroom on the f*cking wall!" is sort of how I used to think; nothing to do with being shy.

I dunno, as things stand say you were out and had a slight confrontation with a shop assistant/customer service provider? Would you expect her to handle it whilst you stood back?

I am sympathetic to you OP - I am inclined to be an introvert and find the prolonged company of people draining - but I don't think this difference can be brushed under the carpet without being dealt with.

Coupley life isn't always just sitting talking to one another in a stress free environment.

I do think some people (male and female) would be happy taking the social lead 100% of the time so you'd be a perfect match for someone like that,

But if your girlfriend has already been expressing concerns then the normal progression of a relationship is more time spent together, more potentially stressful encounters, not just the two of you seeing each other 1-1.

To quote TokenGinger: "You sound like my friend. In fact, I think you are my friend"

... this scares me!

So really it's the confidence thing then mn11042015.

Have you thought about doing something like a public speaking course to work on your social confidence? Being introverted and quiet is not the problem, it's the confidence out and about with people that seems to be the issue and you can probably sort that out.

mn11042015 If my username and "annoying apprentice" mean nothing to you, then you're safe in not being my friend

Grr lost a long post. Damm phone.

Shorter version.

Being introverted is fine. Preferring a night in versus a night in the pub, all good. But in life you need to be able to make small talk. Even if you dislike it. It's not a big deal once in a while.

Is this the problem your girlfriend has? She can't leave you to chat to her sister while she talks to her grandmother. If she wants to chat to a friend at dinner because her back will be to you and you will shut down.

That is a lot of work and not an enjoyable night out. Plus knowing how much you hate it and unwilling to try.

My husbands job involves networking which he often hosts. He loves that fact he can leave me to small talk while he does his thing. And I love I can chat to my teacher friends while he makes small talk.

If that is the case, I advise you go chat to a gp and see what your options are.

CBT for social anxiety. Straightforward intervention. That is, if you already know what you should be doing in social situations, but just can't because anxiety and worry (about making a fool out of yourself, or other people noticing your anxiety, for example) prevents you from putting this knowledge into action.

Alternatively, if you have very little desire and motivation to socialise, and don't really know what's expected of you or how you should be behaving, this may not be straightforward social anxiety. It may be more along the lines of a social communication disorder such as an ASD.

Go to your GP, explain the details of how you feel and ask for a referral for an assessment. Do some research online - try to figure out the for yourself if your socially anxious or if it's more ASD ish in nature, and take your thoughs to your assessment.

However you can choose to do none of this and stay how you are, of course. No harm in that, but your relationship with this person is unlikely to last as she's already made that quite clear. Good luck with whatever you decide.

It must be really hard for you.
I had a long term boyfriend who suffered with crippling shyness. It was difficult. In social situations, he came across as very rude and aloof (he just wouldn't speak to anyone, not even my parents) and I was always having to explain to people that he was just shy.
I suppose it was the reason we broke up after 3 years. We became a couple who were always alone. We would occasionally go out on dates alone, but mostly we would stay in together where he felt comfortable. I had a job and a social life and my relationship became totally compartmentalised. It felt unhealthy and I wanted him to be integrated but he just couldn't. We ended up with nothing to talk about because we didn't have anything in common anymore.

I do understand your problem but it might just be something which makes you incompatible. If she has already told you what she wants then she is telling you that she either needs you to change or that she needs to find someone else. I don't think you should take steps to change unless you want to. But trying to be this alpha male that she wants might be unachievable and she shouldn't expect it off you.

The label 'shy' is unhelpful because it's an identity level statement. If that's how you are, you can't change.

You are not 'shy' - you are someone who is quiet, self-contained, introverted etc in certain situations. These are behaviours you can change if you want.

Watch this Ted talk by Carol Dweck to understand the importance of having a growth mindset:

www.ted.com/talks/carol_dweck_the_power_of_believing_that_you_can_improve?language=en

Then find yourself a CBT or NLP therapist who can help you change your behaviour so you can have the life you want with this woman.

If you think of yourself as being shy you'll act like a shy person. When you think of yourself as confident and sociable, you will be. It really is that easy.

Read a book called "Quiet".

You are how you are and she is how she is and neither of you needs to apologise for this.

If you are not compatible the relationship (like about 99% of relationships) won't work but that's just life.

You can self-refer for CBT for social anxiety in many areas (Google your local IAPT service) but don't expect miracles - social anxiety is usually rooted in very poor self-esteem which the CBT will do little to tackle.

Maybe stop focusing on your shyness and differences in conversations with her and look instead for areas of compatibility.

Good luck!

Can I just say if this was a woman saying her boyfriend wanted her to get therapy after only 6 months of dating, your all be telling her to dump him.

I am like the op. If a man doesn't like that, well he does not have to be with me. It sounds like you are confident around her and you would make an effort talk to her family etc. This woman sounds lucky to have you, if she doesn't realize that then its her loss.

I used to a shy person, awkward in social situations. Yet as I've grown older I care less about what people think of me and have joined loads of groups/activities.Through some of these I have grown in confidence. Though I'm not viewed as talkative, people assume I've been part of these groups for ages (I've not) because I'm happy to chat to anyone, especially people who seem new to a group or seem a bit awkward or on their own,and I'm smiley and open (its like a trick of the light - fake it til you make it).

What I'm saying is that you will find your own way. If your GF is supportive and encouraging and accepting of you as you are, that can only be good. If she wants you to be someone else then I can't see how that's helpful to your self esteem.

CBT is very effective at addressing low self esteem if this is the underlying cause. But as I described in my earlier post, first you and a well trained professional need to fathom the underlying cause of your tendency to isolate yourself. Without knowing the cause, you may undergo the wrong treatment which would be totally pointless and disheartening for you. The person who said you just need to think of yourself as sociable and confident and then you will be is speaking nonsense - this way of thinking and problem solving is deeply invalidating and also ineffective. If you want to change, it is likely to can, but forcing yourself to think differently and expecting this to solve such a problem is over simplistic.

Rebecca is right, there's something unpleasant about trying to change your partner.

Op if you want to increase your confidence for your sake try weight lifting or martial arts as well as cbt, but please do nt let this women keep putting you down

It sounds like she is rejecting you for the personality traits she initially found attractive.

OP you could be my dh, and your gf might be me. My dh is deeply shy and socially anxious, whereas I am outgoing and confident.

The shyness. I'm not going to lie, it has been a problem and a recurrent theme throughout our 18 year relationship. It is less of a problem now than it was, but there have been times in the past where I have been dismayed, resentful and yes, embarrassed by my husband's social ineptitude.

Obviously he makes it up in other ways...the man's a peach. I laugh with him more than I have ever done with anyone. We agree on all the fundamentals and even after eighteen years will still easily see the arse end of 3am putting the world to rights. We just click.

My dh did a course of CBT that was really interesting and did help him to get perspective and learn some coping tactics. It wasn't a miracle cure though. He is who he is. Take him or leave him.

I can't advise you really. I think it's down to her. You are who you are too and you're not suddenly, or even gradually going to become Mr Sociable. My husband is better now than he was...at 45 he has maturity and experience behind him and gives less of a crap what other people think of him. I still conduct much of my social life as an individual though. I go out a lot without him.

Your gf is at liberty to pick a partner that fits in with her vision of what a relationship entails. If socialising as a couple is on her agenda then it might be you have to accept that you're simply incompatible. Sad though that is.

You are not 'shy' - you are someone who is quiet, self-contained, introverted etc in certain situations. These are behaviours you can change if you want.

I don't know if I agree with this quite.
My dh is not 'quiet' - he is actually a bit of a motormouth. He isn't 'self contained' - he wants a partner, children and friends as much as the next guy. He's not a typical introvert either. He isn't drained by people...rather he fears people will be drained by him.
Labelling it as something more palatable doesn't change anything.
He's not introverted or self contained - he has severe social anxiety.

Hi OP. I have many traits in common with you. Do you think your shyness is just superficial, or is it a visible trait that stems from something inside, something fundamental to you, something you intuitively feel is linked to your vulnerability?

I would really advise caution when entering a long term relationship with a person who wants to change you. Especially if she wants to change an aspect of you that is fundamental to your personality and your internal functioning, an area where you might be most vulnerable and need support and protection from a partner. This is where the long term partner would need to compensate for you. It is also the area where a wrong partner with a wrong attitude could hurt you the most and destroy your concept of self and your confidence completely.

I would suggest to pay very close attention to what Ovum said. Autistic Spectrum Disorder or Asperger's. Research the topic, at worst, you would learn something new. You might not be on the spectrum. If you are, it might be scary at first, but if you explore, it might help you to assert yourself. It might bring answers to the questions you were always asking in your head, but never out loud and give more power to you. It might give the key, the right approach to your growth and your confidence.

By all means explore various ways to grow and build your skills in areas where you feel you could grow. It will come with time and experience, as pictish described (I don't mean to say her DH is on the spectrum).

However try to differentiate between growing your ability to cope, and gaining acceptance by your partner of who you truly are. Because in the fundamental aspects of your personality, one cannot be a different person and one is not able to function at all if one can't be oneself.

I would also suggest keeping distance from and building a firewall against people with the attitude that Ginger and especially Aussie are articulating. They are treating social shyness as a deficiency in a person that has to be fixed for the person to be valid and acceptable to them as a partner. A person on the autistic spectrum, like me, experiences this attitude as discriminatory - I feel they would not consider me as valid and equal because of something so fundamental to whom I am, that I could not and should not change. It is a part of me that a true friend and spouse need to embrace fully and wholeheartedly.

When I was young, I could have been described in the same way as you describe yourself. The difference is, being a woman; I wasn't expected to take a lead in a relationship. However, often I felt the pressure to be an empathy goddess, socially charming, pre-empting and anticipating all the thoughts and feelings of the partner and to be all sorts of things I was not. I tried to keep up and grown from the experience. However it was in the context of a "taster" relationship, which I never felt likely to evolve into a life long commitment. For me it was trying and experimenting at low risk. I emerged stronger, more confident and emotionally scorched. I emerged with a resolution that for a real relationship, for a spouse I need a person that loves me for what I am, who would be "comfortable" for me, a "home front", and a safe protective person. Not a high maintenance person that I need to run after and win over everyday after coming home from stressful work. Intuitively I was deliberate in my search of a spouse that fitted me. I found such a person and we are in a long marriage.

May I suggest discussing possibility of ASD with you gf and see how she reacts?

Long time ago, I was dating a man for a short time, an IT wizard who was quirky and awkward socially. It didn't bother me because deep down I am like this too, but what put me off was his family - very protective and controlling. They pushed me out, and I was happy for that. But when many years later my DC was diagnosed with ASD and I understood the condition, I realised that that man was definitely an Aspie. His family were protecting him, but in a wrong way with a wrong result. I also realised I might be on the spectrum myself and this is why I was open and accepting of his quirkiness. He should have been upfront and open with me about Aspergers. It would have given our potential relationship a real chance. Now I know that he never married. He is still alone at 60.

My point is no matter how you feel now, you will find the right person too. However you might need to define your parameters and be deliberate in your search of a partner.

We have dated, travelled on short journeys, kissed, hugged, cooked for each other, text each other daily and have very long calls weekly

But no sex yet? I would think it unusual for a couple in their 20s not to be more intimate with each other after 6 months. Is your shyness holding you back there too?

TheQuiet I am actually somewhat offended by you advising the OP to build a firewall against my "attitude" towards social shyness.

If you take yourself back to my post, you'll see that I've not actually offered any advice regarding shyness, stating that "you are who you are".

The OP asked for any advice or guidance. My guidance was solely for his social anxiety, for which I believe CBT would be beneficial, as I have benefited from this myself.

I am uncertain why you feel the need to rubbish other advice and focus solely on ASD. If the OP does not discover that he has ASD, your advice is, in effect, redundant, and therefore, other options may be beneficial.

I do not believe somebody had to be "fixed" to be in a relationship. But when somebody comes on to a public forum and asks for advice and guidance, if it's something I can relate to, I will do just that.

I am very touched by all the advice, I was not expecting so many thoughtful replies. I am reading through and putting my thoughts together and will reply soon, but wanted to say a big thank you to everyone.