HELP! Solicitor appt next week but PILs coming to visit in 3 weeks!

[DragonLiteMyFire]

Been on MN for years but never posted much as managed to get the advice I've needed from reading previous threads.
This time I'm really not sure how to approach this situations.

Trying not to drop feed or to out myself. Sorry if this is long and vague.

Have been together with STBXH for 15 years, married less than 10, DC1 under 2 yo.

After many years of broken promises to change I've finally made peace with the fact that our relationship has no future: he's lazy, selfish/self-centered and at times very mean and hurtful with the things he says/does to me.

I'm not sure if he's always been like this and I was too young, grateful and inexperienced to notice or if he has changed with time.
My guess is he's always been a bit like this but has gotten gradually worse since I found out that he had a ons 6 months after our wedding.
He never admitted the details of what happened but am pretty certain it was more than drunken fumbling. I found out just over a year into our marriage that this had happened 6 months after we got married.
It wasn't the first time he was short with the truth.

I think he (and to an extent PILs) have never forgiven me for destroying his carefully constructed image of being a Really Nice Guy/Dedicated Husband/Perfect Son. The other woman was a work colleague so it really blew up in his face.

We separated for a few months but after going to Relate I agreed to get back together.

Unsurprisingly I never felt the same way towards him again but he made me feel like I was holding on to the past, struggling with my hormones, stressed about work, etc and addicted to being depressed (nothing to do with him and his behaviour - obviously). Stupidly I doubted myself and tried harder to ignore my feelings!

We carried on like this for a few years (ie he was crap for a few weeks then pulled out all the stops making me doubt myself) until I got pregnant.

I had some individual counselling related to other stuff and realised that our relationship couldn't continue as it was.
Again, he did his poor me act, charmed the pants out of the couples counsellor we saw and things got even worse after the baby arrived.

I have contacted solicitors and am waiting for an appt date next week.

He mentioned a few weeks ago that his parents wanted to come and visit (we're not from the UK - different countries each).
The last few times they've stayed at an hotel down the road as too crowded with a newborn in a one bed flat (I think they've meant it as a personal snub but as the apple didn't fall far from the tree it suited me just fine!).
This time it's too expensive so they're planning to stay here.

I've delayed seeing a solicitor until my DM and DSis left a few days ago as I was worried about how he might react and didn't want to put them through that (there's no way they could have afforded to stay elsewhere).

So what do I do now? After waiting so long I don't want to delay getting the process started (I'm fucking scared of his reaction but I want to get on with my life) but how to approach is parents' planned stay? He just called me to tell me when they're coming. It's for 4 days including a special date for all of them.

I don't want to continue playing the 'we're doing great game' as I'm not a too faced hypocrite and always end up looking like a miserable, ungrateful bitch while he does the Disney husband/father/friend/son act.

They'll be coming to see the kids not you. Try and find a compromise.
What nationalities? - that does help. Divorce rates differ between countries.

Could you tell us exactly what you fear his reaction will be?

Just go ahead with the appointment. He can tell them if there's an issue and it will have to be sorted out then. (In extremis, they can always stay at a hotel as before, expensive or not.)

Hereandtherex - both EU. They do love the baby (almost possessively so) but 4 adults and a toddler under one roof after I say I've started divorce proceedings seems a bit stressful (he has refused to leave when I've asked him to in the past).

Vivacia - he gets frustrated very easily when things don't go his way and will literally throw his toys out of the pram.
But the worst is the look of rage on his face, the way he talks and the things he says. He's never hit me but it's like he's only just keeping himself from doing it by a thread.

On the other hand after so many years of trying to say it's over and not following through maybe he won't take me seriously until im walking out of the door.

I can just about afford to leave but will have to rely on benefits etc. Not many landlords accept housing benefit where we live.

So I'm worried about how stressful it will be living under the same roof as a separated couple.

Your mother and sister, 2 adults, were staying with you with tension. Just a bit more tension this time round with the ils.

Go and see the lawyer. Get a plan of action agreed. Don't tell your husband. Instruct lawyer to send no correspondence until PILs have left

It's bad enough as it is without having to deal with PIL look of disapproval on top of it all.
MIL told STBXH and SIL how she wished she could have been spared from knowing about the ons so I'm dreading her poor me reaction now.

ps - unless you are having formal mediation, with an accredited family law mediator you shouldn't be discussing anything to do with the divorce with your husband. Every time he tries to speak to you about it, tell him to speak to your lawyer

Certainly don't tell him you are instigating divorce proceedings. There is no obligation on you to do so

If you follow the plan set out in my first post, there shouldn't be an issue when the PILs are there

Are you planning on leaving the marital home? Is it rented or owned btw?

Im guessing Southern EU then.

IME Northern EUs tend to be more pragmatic.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone, you all seem very calm about it (which is very reassuring on MN!)

Gobbolinothewitchscat - I feel like I need to try and keep things as amicable as possible for DC's sake and I fear springing it on him will just make his reaction worse.

It was stressful when my mum was here as she's obviously upset by the whole thing and feels unable to help on a practical level. But at least STBXH kept to himself.
I don't know how to deal with his Disney persona when we're with his family/friends. It's just so awkward - because I don't want to play along to the charade I always end up looking like I'm in the one in the wrong and doubting everything I do or say.

RandomMess - rented. Landlord wants to sell so will have to leave in a few months anyway. I want to stay for as long as possible but if he refuses to leave, how long I manage to stay depends on how he reacts and what his behaviour/attitude will be like.

I just wondered if you would be better off moving out before the in-laws turn up...

I didn't think of that. It would probably make things easier. Just seems like a lot to accomplish in a very short time-frame

Yeah I know it was just a thought. You could go and stay with your parents/family instead? Perhaps meet up with just the PIL so they can see DC?

Family are either abroad or too far away to be able to drop in to see in-laws.
I think I'll see the solicitor next week and see what they say.
It sounds like I'll have to grin and bear it....

Any tips/advice on how to manage during their visit?

STBXH will be putting on his 'poor me, I try ever so hard but nothing is ever good enough' act while I try not be resentful of the fact that he knows exactly what he should be doing but can't be arsed if there's not someone he wants to impress present to witness it all.

If I make any comments it makes me look like an ungrateful unreasonable bitch. If I say nothing (I'm not very successful at this!) I feel like I'm enabling his behaviour and it drives me crazy inside. PIL are not very good with boundaries either. Examples include complaining when I want to put DC down for a nap/to sleep (MIL) and trying to take her out of my arms when I'm holding her (FIL). Drives me bananas!

Could you go away for a few days to visit friends without DC, leave them to it? Obviously don't tell him about divorce beforehand. At least that way you won't have to stomach him being superdad.

Being realistic you are going to have to accept he will have care of the dc during contact time so it will be a way of getting yourself used to it.

You do not have to pretend, lie, apologies or justify yourself to your STBEX PILs, it isn't your fault that their son is shit and divorcing this man isn't a provocation. If he or they decide to be shit/ or play the martyrs about it, then that's their prerogative. Being amicable takes two, bending over backwards or walking on eggshells will probably only encourage more shitty behavior because his reward is manipulating you.

You need to change your mindset and start practicing detaching and part of that process, is accepting who he is and your right to limit your exposure to him. Detachment, is what's going to get you through this whole process.