miserable, ill, want to leave him

[trappedandsick]

I will try not to drip-feed but I'm really afraid this won't make sense because I don't know what order to put things in and just trying to explain it all makes me upset. I am currently ill with a disease that I believe I will recover from (although some people think I have to just "accept" it). I am in an unhappy marriage and am also stuck overseas in a place I don't like (mainly because the climate extremes worsen my pain symptoms) because of my husband's job. I have moved countries three times for him/ his job. This has meant I have a growing gap in my CV. Then, two years ago, my diagnosis.

We have been married eleven years. This is my second marriage and his first. I initially wanted kids and thought he did too because he talked about it, but it turned out he didn't after we were married. How it works is I try to talk to him about something (kids, the future) and he pretends not to understand what I am saying and to be baffled by my tears or outbursts. He will say, "But I thought everything was fine/ Things were getting better," when nothing has changed and nothing ever changes. But I don't know any more. Maybe I am being unreasonable. I am hot-tempered and difficult and I admit that. I feel as though he's very controlling but he denies it and I can't get any read from anyone whether he really is, or whether this is in my head. Eg. this past week I had a medical appointment and he was supposed to meet me afterwards in a coffee shop. Instead, he suddenly appeared right in the doctor's office, as though he were checking up on me. This is not the first time he's done this (my only semi-independent outings are related to my health issue and these appointments are during the workday, so he actually leaves his office to do this.) He said he was "worried" because it was raining (!) Everyone thinks he's being so great and supportive and yet to me it doesn't feel like that. In the last two countries I couldn't shop by myself (no bank card/ credit card) so had to go with him. Now I'm sick, 95% housebound and rely on him for any transport for anything other than a simple doctor visit, so for instance my access to clothes shopping is at a discount store where I also buy my medications, while he sighs in the background.

We are currently separated because he lied to me about an expensive dinner with another woman, an old friend of his. I don't think anything untoward was going on but the lying was the last straw because his excuse for it was that he just "needed a break." I told him to get out. His reaction to the separation makes me feel like a trapped rat: He is perfectly fine with it and actually acts like it isn't even happening, because he knows he can afford to just wait me out. It's all the same to him. After all I'm still too sick to work and eventually I will be forced to take him back and he knows it. As we have no children I would be lucky to be awarded any support whatsoever. My family are not supportive in any practical way. They think I just have to put up with him until I am in remission, although my mother did make the observation that he "doesn't seem very interested in you," ie. he seems to want to have me around without being particularly engaged with me as a person. This tallies with how I feel. I feel - like a possession. He likes to say "my wife," a lot, but he barely pays any attention to me (headphones/ laptop/ phone) when he is here and I frequently have to ask him to repeat back to me what I just said because he doesn't listen. (He claims to have ADHD/ mild Asperpergers/ whatever.)

I no longer have any grip on whether what I want is reasonable. I know I want out but then I've wanted a lot of things that turned out to be stupid / bad for me and as I've said I am hot-tempered and independent and he is better than my previous awful/ abusive boyfriend, who shouted at me and called me crazy. The separation was supposed to give me time to think but instead he's constantly emailing as usual and checking on me and just walking in here (while at the same time not helping me with practical things Ive asked for help with such as taxes and selling some old furniture.) I feel as though if I could move home/ somewhere less stressful I could make real progress towards getting better but with what money? What help? What job? What car? It is like trying to get out of quicksand.

I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I feel I can't accept that this is all there is for me in life, but maybe it is.

It sounds bloody awful.

How much money could you gather together if you had to? It sounds like you have no access to any funds at all, you're completely reliant on him? Would your family stump up an air fare if you asked them to? Physically could you manage the journey?

If you're separated, why is he around so much? Why can he just walk in, can't you lock the door? You can ignore his emails. How does he check on you?

Do your family really know the full extent of things?

Some of that feeling may be dealing with the huge impact any chronic illness has when it hits. I'm in a similar situation to you and have felt that same way about being trapped, angry and both loathing needing help and resenting furiously that I have to accept that help when it's convenient for other people to give it on their terms and they probably don't do it right anyway - loss of independence is a huge, scary, awful thing and that feeling of is this seriously what my life is going to be like for the next fifty years? is a very valid, sensible feeling in reaction to coping with this huge change to everything you ever foresaw or planned.

Have you had any sensible, helpful support with this aspect of things? I mean support that actually helped. If not, I'd really suggest looking at this as a starting point and separating out some of these feelings. On the days when I want to rip the head off the world and spit down its neck, I lose track of what's colouring my thinking.

Would you prefer to live alone, independently and start again? It takes adaptation, it takes planning for, it may take a huge drop in income. What are the services like in your area? I ended up becoming self employed and working from home. I work when I can, and sometimes that's not much, but its enough to keep myself afloat.

I also find I'm hugely affected in my thinking by different phases of illness and what seems unbearable on some days and I want to make drastic changes to is actually something not that important a week or two later when I feel different, which makes it bloody hard to work out important changes and make the right call. It may be worth seeing if you can disentangle what is a DH issue and what's being coloured and affected by the very difficult circumstances you're in.

Sorry, got distracted mid sentence: It may take a huge drop in income but in the UK it is certainly doable and I didn't realise that I could do it until I started down that path.

As you have been married for 11 years, you would get half of the assets that you both have. At least in the UK.
I think you really need to check what the situation would be if you were separating in the country you currently are in.
Or if you could go back to the UK on the pretence of going to see family and then ask for divorce over here.

The 'good' thing is that you don't have children together so he can't stop you from going back to the UK if you wish and do as you please.

Do you have a credit card in this new country? An email address that he can't check on? A bit of money he can't get hold off so you can get some legal help etc... (Not sure on that but would the ambassy be able to help too?)

Tbh from your description, he is controlling. AS for you being bad tempered, is it what he is telling you?
You sounds like you don't believe in yourself and that your parents are right. That you have to put up with him. In reality, you have the choice. You always have the choice.

Another first step would be to start working on your self esteem and give it a BIG boost. You are worth much more than that.
(Btw, don't believe a word about the Asperger. My DH has AS and none of what you describe is AS)

Also agree with rumble. Som of the issues you have might be link with your loss of independence. Or maybe made worse by your illness.
How were things before you got ill?

This man may not be as abusive as the previous bf, but what you're describing is 'coercive control' which is a key aspect of domestic abuse. The lack of access to bank or credit cards in your two previous domiciles is financial abuse. You say the only 'semi-independent' outings are all health related, that's terrible. The turning up at your doctor's appointment is creepy frankly. He's got you in a cage.

So, practically, how can you get out? Is your health strong enough to get a flight back to the UK? Could your parents lend you the money? Could they possibly let you have a room with them while you sort your life out? Once you're back here you will be entitled to benefits to support you.

Thank you Tribpot. I don't feel he's an awful person. It's just that in all honesty we are completely different people and he doesn't understand how controlled I feel. He claims I am controlling towards him in fact. The other stuff -- it's like I explain it over and over and it doesn't sink in. So I don't know that it's really deliberate, so much as clueless. It's very confusing.

He certainly doesn't read my email. But he still has a key to this place and he just walks in which I find irritating at best. He just doesn't grasp the concept of boundaries and will start talking to me while I'm trying to work/ type and expect me to sort things out instantly. The marriage has probably been doomed from early on.

Yes, I could get a flight back to the UK, but then where to live? I can't stay with family (long story) and don't know how I would support myself in the long run.

Thanks Rumble. You make very good points. I am not doing well at "accepting" this illness (or anything.) I'm glad I'm not the only one and that maybe it is normal to be angry about the situation and have trouble sorting out what I'm angry about. I got the impression I was supposed to be saintly, and maybe shed a few gentle tears, but not be angry. I'm supposed to be getting some counseling for this in a few weeks. Not sure what the direction of that will be, but I knew I needed to talk to someone (don't know a soul here) and that regular therapy wouldn't address the stuckness (for lack of a better word) of being chronically ill. I don't know how independent I could be right now.

You need to get on a plane home as soon as possible and wing it from there. Phone a friend and sofa surf maybe. It is pointless trying to psychoanalyse him. He may, in actual fact, be a perfect specimen of a man but he is wrong for you and that is all you need to know to act accordingly. I think he sounds horrendous actually and despite this being the time when you need love and support, are getting treated abysmally. Being around him may also hinder your recovery. Jump. Until you jump, you can't land somewhere.

TheLastMan, I do have a credit card but no income to pay it off with. In terms of my being bad tempered, it's increasingly true as I have pain and insomnia, but I also had a temper before I suppose, according to my mother. I do realize that this is tied in with my low self-esteem.

I can try to get a legal consult. There honestly isn't that much money in the pot to begin with.

okay, so consensus is his behavior is somewhat controlling. Oh, and Twinklestein for a while the reason I had no access to money was I couldn't legally be on the bank account in that particular country. (But honestly to any woman thinking of following a man "for love," I would say think twice if it's a situation like that, because the inequality of it will erode your self confidence.)

OP, he wants to control you so if you tell him you feel controlled he doesn't care, it's not that he doesn't understand, he's not interested.

I don't know what your illness is, but I had a horrible chronic illness when I was younger and I couldn't have coped with this relationship on top of that, I don't know how you're managing.

It's ok to be angry, but ime a waste of time, shit happens, lots of people get ill, there's no point wasting energy being outraged, I just said 'well it's not terminal so it could have been worse'.

If you're going to get angry I would get angry with your husband's behaviour and let that fuel a determination to get out.

If you can get back to the UK you'd be emergency homeless so the local council would be obliged to find emergency housing for you. You could get a lot of help from Disability Advice Services (their name is different depending on the area).

Obviously before you can do that you need to know whether you can organise the divorce from the UK. In which country did you get married?

Oh, and Twinklestein for a while the reason I had no access to money was I couldn't legally be on the bank account in that particular country.

Really? Are you sure? Why couldn't you have your own account? Or a credit card?

Don't think emergency housing would work for someone who is still sometimes bedbound and needs a bit of help. Eg I have episodes of vertigo at times. I still believe I will get better but I'm starting to fear this is wearing me down and that if I stay just until I'm in remission I may not reach remission.

I really have to think about what people are saying about my husband's behavior. I used to always read the threads on here and think, "But why is she defending him?" and now I get it... I worry that I'm not being fair. But point taken that he could be perfect but he still wouldn't be perfect for me.

In some countries, women will struggle to have their own account/CC unfortunatly. That doesn't seem impossible at all.

I used to get vertigo - I remember it well.

It's very difficult to advise not knowing what your illness is. You're quite right a B&B is not going to work if you're bedbound and need help.

I thought it might be a conservative Muslim country, but I didn't want to make that assumption. I also thought her husband may just have lied.

He obviously lied about wanting to have kids before they were married.

A few saintly tears?? I'm hopping, flaming bloody mad about it! I did not sign up for it, I am NOT by nature a quitter and I've had to learn how to quit, I had a great career, I had financial security and total independence, could do what I wanted when I wanted, didn't feel in anyone's 'power'.... yeah, the whole ripping the head off life and spitting down its neck thing.

It is bloody, bloody hard. It is very hard to feel utterly lousy and in pain and still function when it goes on day after day after day, and you're dealing with huge shifts in your self perspective, your plans, it rocks your world from the foundations up. It's very hard to be nice about accepting care from your loved ones sometimes. And to maintain boundaries where you're happy with them.

I'm not minimizing your issues with DH at all, but you have a huge valid reason to have emotions everywhere in these areas and to be finding it hard to work out how you feel, particularly around your independence. You may get more clarity about what you want to do regarding him if you get some support - helpful support, not the crappy leaflets - to sort out some of your feelings and what you want to do about them.

So you have no access to 'his' money at all?

He sounds much worse than you think. Can you put a chain on the door so he can't let himself in? Or leave your key in so his won't work?

Heh, Rumble, not allowed wine right now. But thanks. I don't know; there's no blueprint for dealing with this kind of thing. I too was very independent and never a quitter. When I started getting ill, I pushed myself and hid it from anyone and was upset that I was "weak." It took a while to get a diagnosis, partly due to moving countries etc., and also kept being told I was depressed or in early perimenopause. So much baggage from that period as well.

Your posts make me think the counseling may help me figure things out better. TBH when I'm on my own I'm much less angry and more focused on coping and trying to do small positive things.

Twinkle, not a conservative Muslim country, just something to do with not having a tax number and there being a language barrier and my reasoning that it was only temporary. I don't think he lied. It's water under the bridge now anyway.

I think he did OP. Lie that is. You can get a tax number and a translation.

I have to agree with tribpot that I think he is worse than you think he is.

Tribpot, here I'm on the bank account, have a bank card and in fact I have had us on a budget and have saved some joint money. Partly it's being so familiar with the money situation that is making me scared to leap because I feel like once it's gone it's gone. I always used to think of myself as capable of earning money and looking after myself. When I became ill that was knocked out from under me.

So sorry. that your husband is behaving badly and not supporting you in your time of crisis.

Would your parents support you and come to help if you came back to the UK and stayed near them, even though you can't stay with them? Do your parents undermine your self esteem (sounds a bit like your mum might)?

Do you want a divorce/ reconciliation or to come back to the UK? What would be the best outcome for you atm?

Not really, my mother witters, "Oh dear, oh dear, I hope you can sort this out," but is already (resentfully) in a caregiver role and I only complicate things far past what she can cope with. My family are not supportive (not of anyone; it's nothing personal.)

I had an enlightening conversation with DH just now in which it emerged that he has checked to learn the standard amount I would get in spousal support, which is tiny - half what we are currently paying in rent alone, in fact. It would even be tax deductible for him, so he would be much farther ahead than he is now.

He said he was tired of me making him out to be the bad person. Summed up: While he prefers to have me around rather than not, he thinks people in a marriage should just do their own thing (not actually arguing with this, but shouldn't this be balanced by genuine intimacy, actually listening when the other person speaks, shared goals, etc?) and doesn't understand why I can't just go along with the XBox-y status quo, because it suits him. He would be willing to do couples therapy. At this point, I have no idea what there is to talk about in couples therapy. This is basically what I feared but it's terrifying to have my choices laid out so starkly.

He sounds depressingly like my STBXH.

Don't dismiss your feelings about him turning up at the doctors. There's a type like that described in the Freedom Programme, iirc. Looks charming to outsiders, feels close to a jailer to the partner.

I'm sure he would do couple's therapy, and he'd probably get the counsellor agreeing that you need to accept him as he is, not try to change him, admit your part in problems, blah blah blah. Maybe even say he's prepared to do his bit. All the while subtly avoiding any attention on his behaviour...