tried talking, now we both just feel crap :(

[popperdoodles]

...

sorry, clicked far too soon! so last night dh and I went out for a drink and I stupidly chose to try to talk about a few things which have been upsetting me lately. I have a tendency to bottle things up and not say anything normally. now we just both feel crap. dh is moody and sad because he has upset me and now I feel even worse. He listened but I don't think he understands my point of view. wish I hadn't bothered but surely if I never say anything he won't know?

What type of things did you say?

It's difficult because if you bottle things up and then let them all out together, it can feel overwhelming and your DP probably feels defensive. It can also be tough to have these conversations in public, when you're supposed to be enjoying time together.

That said, you do need to talk, and hopefully you'll both use the chat to find ways to move forward. It wasn't stupid to open up.

He can be a little selfish. he does a stressful job which he doesn't particularly enjoy and his pay has been frozen for last 5 yrs. he feels he deserves things because of this. I love my job and he makes me feel like I have no right to complain about anything because I do a job I enjoy. I deal with everything from children to bills to organising and problem solving. He has lots of hobbies and is always busy doing things which means little money for things I want. basically our relationship is pretty unequal. I don't begrudge him having hobbies but I do want him to realise how lucky he is and how it can make me feel. I understand he is grumpy today because he feels bad but now I feel like the bad one. I let things go for too long you see and then dh doesn't see the problem. hope that makes sense

If you blurted out several issues at once then I can understand him feeling like a rubbish partner. DH used to do this, he felt one big discussion was better than saying things more often, as and when they came up. It always resulted in me feeling like I'm rubbish, and him as though it might be better if he didn't say anything at all.

However, if you brought up issues in a constructive way and he didn't attempt to deal with the issues then you need to push him.

Either way, I would think about your issues and have suggestions ready to solve them and have another discussion. Eg "that didn't go the way I expected. Let's try again. I have an issue with X for this reason... It makes me feel sad/upset/angry. If we/you could do Y that would help. If we/you can't do that, do you have any ways we can sort this?"

X post. Based on your update, go in with what you want - more time for yourself / equal finances / him being more hands on and ask him why he feels you can't have that.
If he hates his job, it's up to him to get a different one - he's a grown man.

Oh, and resenting you because you enjoy your job is rediculous. If he uses it against you, just shrug your shoulders and ask why he isn't sorting this out.

popperdoodles - No-one, not even your DH, can make you feel anything. That might be somewhere to start.

on reflection it was probably unfair to bring things up when out but we so rarely get time to ourselves at home. he thought he was doing something nice, taking me out for a few drinks and I end up having a go at him.

no the wonder you aren't happy!

You deserve equal money, equal support with the home and children and equal free leisure time.

Raising children is hard and money can be tight. Why your husband thinks you should bear the brunt of this is lost on me, or is it that he is taking advantage of your kind nature?

Stand up for yourself. Your dh isn't upset that he upset you. He is upset that you dared to challenge him on his selfish behaviour and has gone in a mood to try and stop you from doing it again.

I don't know what is going on in his head but personally I think he isn't very good at seeing things from others point of view. I don't think it's a deliberate thing. maybe I am just fooling myself, I don't know. I want to make him happy but not at my expense.

What Quite says

so how do I approach it in a constructive way. I don't want to just have a big fight? I want to make things better not worse.

IsItI approach is good - make it solution-orientated as opposed to just venting at him. By suggesting X to fix Y at least he can do something about it. No-one is a mind-reader! And please don't store things up but address things as they happen. My exW used to do this, we used to get along and then she'd launch into a tirade about stuff that has happened over the past months etc. I was totally unprepared so couldn't really respond apart from getting massively pissed off!

sorry cross post.

Start again but this time with solutions "it makes me feel - when you are out several times a week doing your hobbies so I would like to propose that on -- day and -- day you look after the kids / do the cooking so that I can do whatever. How would you feel about that?"

"I know you are fed up in your job, what can I do to support you? When I need help and support from you my partner, how can I let you know that without you feeling out upon?"

Can you ask him to confirm what you've told him so you can be sure he understood?
It's not unusual that, when someone says so many things all at once, it gets all muddled up and then the person listening isn't actually getting it iywsim.
Also being grumpy isn't going to help things. What needfs to happen is things to change and he needs to actually accept that. And tell you what he is planning to do to make things better.

What striked me was the fact you actually don't really have an issue with things being so unequal but that you really want him to recognise you are doing a lot for him. Is that right?

Also I don't agree with the proposing solutions as such. Just as he can't read your mind, you can't read his. Proposing that he is looking after the dcs on X day whilst you go out might a no-no solution for him.

You have to find a solution that works for both of you, one that will allow you to do what you need (eg having some down time or taking all the responsibility on your shoulders) whilst he is getting what he needs too (eg some ways to release his stress or being able to socialise).
Otherwise it just isn't going to work long term and you will both end up ressentful (She 'forced' me to give up X ...)

I don't mind the balance tipped slightly in his favour. I do however want to be appreciate me and know how lucky he is. we muddle through. I enjoy my job and get fulfillment from that, I don't feel the need to do lots of other hobbies and activities outside of that. he on the other hand needs it and that's fine. I am probably making no sense. it has been a slippery slope.

So its nothing to do with his hobbies etc or the fact that he has different interests but actually about you wanting to be appreciated more?? Not sure what you're asking here?

maybe that's half the problem. I can't explain exactly what it is. no wonder he feels he can't do things right

I don't mind him doing some hobbies and things for himself it's just got a bit out of hand and is having a financial impact.

I don't mind the balance tipped slightly in his favour

Why not? Things should be equal and they are very much not. Do you work
FT?

I don't mind him doing some hobbies and things for himself it's just got a bit out of hand and is having a financial impact

This seems like a good summary. Also if you want him to appreciate you - how can he do that? What does appreciation look like to you? Give him ideas on how you feel appreciated as it can be different to many people

I have been in a very similar position, from a money point of view and a sense of entitlement, or using purchases to medicate hating his job I got quite tough and made it clear that it wasn't fair for me to struggle from one month to the next while he bought whatever he wanted from Ebay. A year on, we are a lot better, your post has made me realise that my poor DH tries to do nice things and I use this opportunity without the kids to sort out issues better addressed at home. I also think the raising things as they arise rather than in a cluster-bomb is probably more beneficial...
My husband is in a very similar position, we have been together 20 years, how long have you been together? When our kids were small it was really hard to have any life for myself, this improved when the eldest went to Uni and the twins turned 8. Keep trying to address the balance, we had lots of equality discussions and a fair bit of sulking on both sides but we got there. I think sometimes once you have molded how you live it is difficult to change, but people grow and change by nature. Will be watching this thread with interest, Good luck op....