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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caveman dickhead

24 replies

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 14:54

I'm posting here for my sister. I have nc to protect her identity.

She has a useless dp and a couple of dc. She's works full time and he's unemployed but with some savings left over from his redundancy.

He goes and plays golf Monday-Friday from 9am until 2 with his friends then comes home and has a nap.
He goes to the pub every Thursday and Friday night. In the summer he will also go on a Saturday and Sunday with his friends and their gfs. Sister is never invited.

He then has other hobbies which he will randomly do on different days.
Then he demands sex on tap even if my sister doesn't want to. He gets angry if she declines the offer

He does nothing in the house, not much with the kids. It's like the relationship revolves around his need to enjoy he life.
He refuses to get a job, refuses to do anything that he doesnt want to do.

He watches porn constantly too and now he's started going to the gym and injecting himself with steroids.

How do I help her without running the dickhead over?

OP posts:

Original poster

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 14:56

If the football is on he will go to the pub and watch it no matter what the day.
If it's sunny he goes on bike rides leaving the dc on their own while dsis is at work.
She has no idea that he's hone out. Dc are 13 and 9

OP posts:

Creatureofthenight · 11/04/2015 14:57

Give her the name of a good divorce lawyer.

tribpot · 11/04/2015 14:59

What help does she want? Unless she's prepared to see that this is a staggeringly crap non-relationship, presumably she wants to put up with it.

I assume he is providing some benefit in doing the school runs before the golf but possibly not after school? What happens to the kids then?

I assume also he isn't watching porn whilst playing golf, although I suppose this is technically feasible nowadays :) But I take your point - this is someone who brings essentially nothing to the relationship whatsoever. Have you asked your sister why she tolerates it? If I had to guess it's 'for the sake of the children', but is there any risk that he could be classed as the children's primary carer? (Seems unlikely).

Rollercola · 11/04/2015 14:59

Tell her to think of what kind of example he is setting for their children. He is contributing nothing to the family, financial or otherwise. He doesn't join in, he does his own thing.

What does she say about him? Does she want to leave him?

Finola1step · 11/04/2015 14:59

If he makes her have sex against her will, then that is of course rape.

All the other stuff is bad enough. But if he is forcing or coercing her against her will, she can report him.

Original poster

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 15:02

He does the school run on a couple of days and that's about it..

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/04/2015 15:05

I read it as he gets angry when she says no, it's not clear that she then feels compelled to have sex because of his anger. Maybe she just keeps saying no? (I bloody hope so).

With the children the ages they are, they've obviously been together for a long time and I guess it's therefore less likely she will get rid. How long has he been unemployed?

Ratfinkandbobo · 11/04/2015 15:13

Support her to get rid of the entitled cock lodger.

NorahDentressangle · 11/04/2015 15:21

She has to make the decision really, so not sure you can do much until she does that.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 11/04/2015 16:04

If he's injecting steroids he won't be bothering her for sex quite soon. But will quite likely be getting violent if he isn't already.

There's nothing she can do about this lazy-arsed, cocklodging idiot until the scales fall from her eyes, and she realises that both she and the children would be better off without this waste of space cluttering up their home.

I suggest you go ahead with the plan to "accidentally" run him over. But make sure he's terminated rather than merely injured. There's no room in their house for a wheel-chair user.

Quitelikely · 11/04/2015 16:14

God this is no relationship! The only relationship he cares about it the one he has with himself.

Run him over.

She's still there after all this time the prospect of you changing that are slim unless she gets rid of him off her own back.

Skiptonlass · 11/04/2015 16:58

The steroids and the anger re: sex are very worrying. Initially, they will make him randy and angry. Eventually they'll shrivel his nads but until then it's not a good situation sex-wise. Incorrect usage can lead to psychiatric and physical issues, including rage, hypertension, liver issues and breast growth. They are also, as I'm sure you know, illegal class C drugs.

My advice would be to have her see a divorce lawyer, get copies of all documents, secure the children's passports, register her interest in the house, etc. Then quite frankly, leave him.

She's lucky to have a supportive sister - she's going to need you. :( offer to store her essential documents for her and let her know that any time she needs you, you're there.

Original poster

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 17:00

She loves him and wants him to change but it's not going to happen is it?
He drops everything for his friends but not her. It's wrong and emotional abuse.

OP posts:

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 18:01

How longs he been unemployed?

The other stuff is bad. The steroid use is the worst.

My little brother got into the who bouncing/gym scene when he left the army.
He worked on a titty bar in scarborough.

He used to do steroids until he had a roidrage instance.
Bascially, they drive you fcking nuts.

You'll do something like stub your toe or twat your head. Rather then hop around swearing your head off for a minute, you end up going into a hulk like rage for several minutes. At best, it'll be against an inaminate object, like the flat. At worse it'll be against a living person - esp. if your sisters siutation is getting to the point of arguing and confrontation.

I WOULD NEVER RECOMMEND ANYONE LIVES WITH SOMEONE TAKING STEROIDS OF THE ILLEGAL, GYM TYPE*

hereandtherex · 11/04/2015 18:02

Forget EA and that touchy feeling crap. Steroids will make him dangerous.

intlmanofmystery · 11/04/2015 18:13

She needs to talk to him FFS! Tell him what is not working for her and the relationship and make it explicitly clear that if he doesn't change or make the effort then she will be filing for divorce. Sounds like he has just been getting away with it for too long but if she still loves him (as you say) and wants things to change then she has to stop moaning to you and actually do something about it. If he won't listen to her directly then try a relationship counsellor.

Original poster

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 18:15

When she tried to talk to him he tells her that she's just trying to destroy his life and is holding him back.

He's been unemployed for around 2 years. He's not looking for work and I highly doubt he will have a job again.

The steroids are a massive concern.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 11/04/2015 18:17

If she doesn't want to face up to her problems then there's nothing you can do about it.

tribpot · 11/04/2015 18:20

Well, in a sense he's correct. She is try to 'destroy' the unbelievably cushy, selfish life he has wangled for himself. Why would he agree with her that that was a good idea?

Who's funding these steroids, out of interest?

Latara · 11/04/2015 18:21

How does he afford the golf, the pub & the steroids & gym if he is not working? If it is your sister's money then can she take charge of the money situation?

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 18:27

She doesn't need to talk to him! It's way past that point. He's not going to change anyway. She needs to get rid.

OP I know how difficult it is to get through to someone who's not listening and invested in not seeing. From my own experience, what I did with a friend in a similar situation, is to wait for her to say something critical - and then go all out - really take her side, be really shocked at the behaviour she's describing, tell her it's appalling and unacceptable - and tell her she's worth so much more, you don't know how she puts up with it.

And then repeat ad nauseam.

I found the biggest hurdle was getting through to my friend that what she was experiencing wasn't normal, and also it wasn't her fault.

I do think you should talk directly about the sexual abuse though.

Twinklestein · 11/04/2015 18:28

I meant to say and the steroids too.

Original poster

Formysister218 · 11/04/2015 18:32

Sister pays all bills and household stuff.
He still has redundancy money plus she thinks he still has inheritance money from his grandad.

OP posts:

Isetan · 11/04/2015 18:49

The onus is on the one dissatisfied with the dynamic to illicit change and in this case that's your DSis.

He treats her poorly because he's an arse and she's a pushover. Right now she's surrendered a considerable amount of power to this twat and your DSis needs to discover why she puts up with his shit and seeing a counsellor on her own should help to identify why.

You can not rescue her if she's not ready to be the one in the driving seat.

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