My family and my 40th birthday

[charliesweb]

I'm feeling a bit fed up. I am the 3rd of 4 children. I have organised a party to celebrate my 40th at the end of May. Because all of my family will have to travel I've asked them to keep the date since the beginning of the year. For my brothers respective celebrations we all travelled to London to join in with what they had arranged.
I live near Southampton. My munis local to me. 1 brother lives in Wales, the other in Cambridgeshire, my sister in Manchester and my Dad, Aunt and cousins in London. So far my dad is unlikely to be able to come because it clashes with a concert his girlfriend has paid for for his Christmas present. My Aunt and cousins are not sure because the party is on a Friday eve and they'll be working (I'm 1 1/2 hours fromLondon) and today 1 brother said he might not be able to come as my sister has decided to organise her sons christening for the following weekend in Manchester. My brother lives in Wales and would find it hard to travel to both. My other brother has yet to let me know if he can come. I've tried phoning my sister to see if she will reconsider the date but she must be out. So I'm left feeling rather dejected and sorry for myself. I was hoping you lovely people would cheer me up.

I would be very annoyed too!

I think your sister was slightly inconsiderate booking the week after given the logistics of everyone and your party the week before.

would you consider changing your date?

The party is the day before my birthday. Hall is booked and deposit paid, disco is booked. I gave loads of notice to ensure as many people as possible can be there. I think hearing about my brother was the last straw after my dad confessing he was double booked yesterday after I asked him. It's the last weekend of half term so already quite a few friends can't come because they're away. I've sent a text to my sister asking her to reconsider the date. I've surprised myself with how sad ideal about this.

I've just spoken to my sister and she's going to organise the christening for September . So I was worrying over nothing. I'm still sad about my dad though.

I'm in London and would be fed up with having to get to Southampton after finishing work on a Friday night. I'd finish work at 6ish, it would take around 2 hours to get to you - when will they get changed / collect kids etc? It'll be 9pm before they get to the party and there are kids, what's the plan around bedtimes?

To be honest, don't know that I'd do it. Saturday night? No problem. Friday? I'd make arrangements to see you separately and think your party was for local friends.

Sorry to hear people are letting you down... It would have been nice if your dad had told you straight away that there was a clash. Having a big party is always a risk... Who is going to make it? It would be nice to think your family were loyal enough to make the effort. Tbh I find organising parties so stressful that I don't think i'll be having any more birthday parties.

My Aunt and cousins are all adults. Non of them have children (except my Aunt but her children, my cousins, are in their twenties). I would go to London for them, and I have 3 young children. I haven't organised anything like this since my wedding 17 years ago so I guess I did expect family to go the extra mile. I'm most disappointed about my dad. I'll get over it, and I'll have a great time. I do feel foolish for feeling upset and wondered if I should expect that amount of effort from friends and family. I don't like to impose on people and I would never let them know how disappointed I feel because I wouldn't want them to feel bad.

Don't expect any support on MN, charliesweb. People are always being advised never to go to weddings, nights out, parties etc. Fwiw I felt your disappointment. Hope you have a lovely party.

Why would you not have the party on a Saturday? Makes much more sense. Yabu a but. Saturday would have been much better. Friday finish work, battle through Rush hour, get changed, battle Friday night travel . Nah!

My husband (amongst others) can't attend on the Saturday. When I booked I didn't think Friday was such a strange choice of days

I like Friday events - they don't take up the whole weekend. Glad your sister changed the date and hope you have a lovely 40th :)

I'm sorry you are disappointed but I think your plans for a weeknight when all your family are so far away are a bit thoughtless.

Why not have arranged it for a Saturday lunchtime, or a Sunday tea for close family? Or just a small family gathering when it suited everyone, and a bigger bash for your own friends and age group if that's what floats your boat?

I've never 'done' zero birthdays though and my own preference is to keep it all quiet and low key.

Manchester , Wales and Cambridge are a long way from Southampton and Fridays are mad for travelling.

Hard one.

I'd expect (and would be expected) to travel for the likes of weddings.
Christenings are not really big - actually non-existent - in my family.

But a 40th is just not on the same level. My 40th was just a meal with DP.
I cannot think any of my immediate realtions who made a big thing about it.

Sure, if I lived locally, or was in a taxi-able distance (up to £50) Id do it.

But the day -Friday!!! - is hard. And its a good 5+ hours travel for your relations,requiring a day off from work. Saturday Id probably do it - but you have to factor travel and hotel cost into the equation.

I think that's all a bit mean, just because its. Friday there's always a way if you want to go. If you were my sister I'd be booking a day off or asking my boss if I can leave early. I can completely understand his you feel, families are a bloody nightmare sometime. I hope you have a great party and its their loss!

I guess PP that you are on the younger side of 40?
The OPs family are likely to be mid 60s at least if not 70s.
A 40th isn't that meaningful once you are beyond it yourself.
It depends how close a family they are but expecting people to travel for hours and presumably pay for hotels make it quite a commitment.

I absolutely would make the effort on a Saturday - I love parties, weddings etc and had a big ol' bash for my last 'zero' birthday. But on a Friday night, travelling a minimum (for me) 2 hrs there in the rush hour after a week of around 70 hours?

Nope. And I also don't have kids to get to bed etc.

But I would come down in the Saturday / whenever convenient and take you out for a slap up lunch (and have done so for friends in the past).

Ok just so I'm clear. Of those people who would need to travel only 4 will be possibly working on that Friday. The others are either in flexible employment, on holiday (as its in half term) retired or on maternity leave. I didn't realise organising a party for a Friday evening, giving 5 months notice and saying people can bring partners, children or no one whatever makes it easy for them was thoughtless. But you live and learn.
I'm sure I am having a bit of an 'it's all about me moment'. Rationality has won the day and I'm no longer sad. A bit disappointed about my dad who is putting his girlfriend (who I've never met) before me, but basically ok. Thank you for all your responses. I just needed to vent. Job done

It's not how much notice you gave, but the distance, their ages and their other responsibilities. To arrive on a Friday would mean they'd have to set off by midday at the latest - for some of them.
As others have said that's a big commitment for a 40th birthday.
I'm sorry your family is not supportive- that would upset me- but something like a drop-in buffet lunch might have been better or maybe your dad taking you out on his own, your mum on another day, your siblings on another, so you spread the celebration according to when they could travel- and it doesn't have to be on the birthday itself.

Also I would totally go above and beyond for my siblings. For both brothers I've gone to London for a meal for their fortieth. I've had to pay for my families share (2 adults and 3 children) both times. As our family is spread so far and wide these infrequent events are a way for us all to get together. An annual pilgrimage for my grandfathers birthday in Canterbury being one example. My family and I are well used to travelling to see each other and maybe that's why I didn't consider it a big deal. A few years ago my sister had a 36th birthday party on Manchester just for the hell of it which we all attended. The venue I've chosen is right next to the train station and a travel lodge that charges £30 a night for a family room. I am paying for the entertainment and food and there's a cheap bar.

I know- but you haven't factored in the age factor! If you aunt and dad are late 60s or older, it's not the same as being in your 30s or even 40.

Well if I was your sister I'd make the effort to go to your party; and I do think your dad is being a bit mean too.

Age factor! My Aunt is a frequent world traveller and my Dads girlfriend is younger than me!

My dads girlfriend is welcome to come, but two of his ex wives will also be there. We're starting to sound like a family from Dynasty!

I'd sure as hell make the effort for my sibling. A best friend, too. What's one evening in traffic?

It is sad when no one can be arsed doing something nice for you for once.

Happy 40th charliesweb I too hit that one this year. We have a spare room if you decide you want to cancel everything and have a weekend on the Med

Very tempting Quinto! I may keep that idea on reserve Enjoy your day

I'm over 40 pinkfrocks.
Charliesweb - some ppl are just miserable and put themselves out for no on!

Their loss as I said, have a fab time!