Being made to feel the bad guy

[Rollercola]

I separated from my husband in July 2013. We'd been together for 23 years, 2 dcs who were 11 and 6 at the time. The marriage had been difficult for years & despite Relate etc we agreed to separate.

Since then we've been reasonably amicable, we live a few minutes apart and the kids see him regularly.

When we were together exh became distant and I caught him contacting other women on more than one occasion. It was obvious he wasn't happy but I tried to ignore his behaviour for years, hoping it would get better. It never did and eventually he asked for a divorce. It wasn't what I wanted but after discovering yet another woman I hit rock bottom and started divorce proceedings. In the whole time we were together (from age 15 to 38) I never so much kissed another man, I'd only ever been with him.

Fast forward to now, nearly 2 years later. I met a lovely guy shortly after I split with exh. I wasn't expecting to, but I did and it's going well. I'm very wary of the needs of the children, especially dd13 who I know is at a susceptible age, so I try to keep my relationship separate from them so I can still spend as much time as I can with dcs.

I only see dp at the weekends, usually when dcs are at their dads. He does sometimes come round when they are here but doesn't stay over. We have no plans to move in together, he respects my need to put the dcs first, we just enjoy each other's company and have fun when we're together.

Ds8 likes dp a lot which is great. Dd13 is more guarded, which I understand and I try not to rub her nose in it.

Exh tells me that dd doesn't like me seeing dp. She's spending more time at her dads, and I think he's working up to telling me she wants to live with him. I'm not sure how much of this is really her, or if it's exh wanting to take her away from me to punish me for having a new partner. I'm happy for her to live with him if that's what she really wants but it feels like he's feeding her lies about me.

He's become a Disney dad since he left. He spoils them both and it feel like he's trying to prove what a great parent he is, while making me feel like the bad guy having shacked up with some new bloke against my daughters feelings.

To top it off exMIL called yesterday. I still get on well either but haven't seen her for nearly a year. She seemed to think I was practically living with dp, that dd was feeling vulnerable because he'd replaced her dad, and that because I met him so soon after splitting with exh that she would think that I'd been having an affair and THAT was the reason we split up.

My head is swimming and I feel really angry because nothing could be further from the truth. If this is what people are saying then it obviously looks like I'm the bad guy and exh is the poor soul who was kicked out and is now living in a flat.

I worked really hard and was able to buy our family home to keep disruption to a minimum but dd thinks it's unfair that her dad had to move. I've done everything I can to put the kids first (I would even have stayed in the marriage for their sakes) but it seems that it's not enough.

Sorry this is so long. Overall I'm actually really happy. Dp is amazing and completely understands, so there's no pressure from him. Exh is also seeing someone else but hasn't introduced the dcs to her yet, so again he's trying to make out he's protecting the children more than me, when the fact is is just lives miles away & doesn't drive so it's just more of a practical issue than anything else.

MIL has jumped to all sorts of conclusions despite having not seen either me or dcs for ages, and has put me on a guilt trip after telling me how she sees it all. I was so frustrated I ended up telling her the truth about her son's behaviour while we were together & she was quite shocked. She clearly thought he'd done nothing wrong up to that point.

I'd love to go NC with both exh and all his family, I feel so much better when I don't have to speak to him, but I have to stay amicable with him for the dcs sakes.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I feel like I want to tell 'my side of the story' but i can't and why should I even have to? I'm just so frustrated.

That sounds really difficult. The main thing I would do is be really reassuring to your daughter and tell her what you're saying here - that she comes first to you and that how she feels is important. Have a chat with her - what you're hearing sounds as though it's second hand - you don't actually know how she's feeling, and she doesn't know how you feel either.
Start there and see what she says. Try not to get caught up in feeling cross with your ex, as it won't get you anywhere, and might make things more difficult as your children might pick up on it (even if you think you're not showing it) and react to that by feeling they need to be more loyal to him if that makes sense.

I would speak to your dd. ask her how she is feeling about the split two years on and ask if she has got any questions she would like you to answer. Be truthful with her.

Remind her that your dc are still number one priority in your life but that whilst they are away on a weekend your DP helps keep you occupied otherwise weekends would be very boring.

Tell her that you had been a loyal wife for 22 years and if necessary tell her a few truths as to why you had to divorce. In your shoes I wouldn't tell about the cheating, however I feel as though he is forcing your hand if indeed he is trying to convince your daughter that your DP broke up your marriage.

Sometimes we try to protect our children by keeping the truth from them but it doesn't always work.

I agree that divorce doesn't harm children but how the parents go about it might.

Your ex is obviously very unintelligent in this regard.

I think he's trying to rewrite history and forgetting all the bad times. He's told dd that he didn't want to split up (not true, it was him who wanted to) and he never meant it to end up like this. He's always telling her he's going to buy a bigger house, so she starts planning new bedrooms etc but then tells me that he'll never afford it.

It's very difficult because I don't know what he's really telling her, but she does seem to prefer being with him. I never say anything bad about him to the kids, I just hope that they'll make up their own minds about him as they get older.

I think you should contradict things he says that you know not to be true, like saying he didn't want to split up. You don't need to be horrible about it. Maybe just say that actually he was the one who wanted to split in the first place and that at the time you felt very sad about it and wanted to stay together, but that all that matters now is that your dd has two happy homes to go to. I wouldn't get into what he's saying about his house. It may possibly happen. If not your dd will discover that for herself.
I think you're right not to get into saying "bad" things. But contradicting things that are untrue, if you do it sensitively, is not bad mouthing.

I totally agree with quitelikely. My mother & step father split when I was 11 & I was led to believe it was all my mothers doing. My SF became the brilliant weekend dad, always spoiling us.

I consequently played up & tried to ruin DM's new relationship. Years later I found out SF had been violent & abusive. I was a mature 11, nearly 12 & wish I'd been told the truth.

You deserve to be happy & I think you need to have an open, honest chat with your DD. You don't have to bad mouth anyone, but can lay out the facts (toned down if need be) to show her you are not the baddie.

I agree with the others that you need to be truthful with your daughter but think it through first as to exactly how you say it.

I'd also be prepared to let her go to her Dad's with an option that she can come back whenever she wants. The grass is not always greener on the other side but she may only know that by being on the other side.

As for XH and XMIL, I would just develop a very thick skin and limit contact. People see things through their own lens of the world. Doesn't mean what they see is correct.

If the new relationship is working and you are happy you must be doing something right!

I would have told the truth from the beginning. I don't believe in protecting people from the consequences of their actions.

By sanitising events in an effort to protect our children we end up in positions like this because people less moral than us turn our good will to their advantage

It's not too late to stop your ex from rewriting history, but unfortunately it looks like you have allowed him a massive head start

as much as we would like to think that a dissolved relationship shouldn't be a battleground, that only works if everyone is on the same page

That looks like a bit of a telling off

not meant to be that of course. ... time for you to stop protecting your ex

What I've learnt from being in a similiar position - let people say what the fuck they want its all persepective and opinions anyway. And opinions are not fact. Your dd will make her own assumptions about you both as parents as she would have were you still together - try not to take it to heart. Above all remember your happiness is as important as everyone else's including your children's. Lead by example. Love them but love yourself equally and let any stories etc roll off you. As they say actions speak louder than words.

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I've always thought that it was best to protect the children from the reasons for our split, but I can see that dd is confused about it.

She's just 13 and very mature. I feel now that I need to speak honestly to her but how much do I tell her? I truly don't want her to 'blame' either of us, but I guess she needs to know how hard I tried to keep us all together.

The truth is that her dad distanced himself from all of us because he felt pushed out and jealous of the attention that the children took from me. He felt that me & him should have put each other first, not the children. Now we're apart I think he's realised that in fact the children do come first, and that we should have worked together as a team. But at he time he grew apart from us and sought the friendships of other women to tell them his sorrows.

How do I put that into language that won't damage dds relationship with her dad? And importantly, how do I ensure that both dd and ds learn from our mistakes for their own relationships in the future?

My ex's ex wife told their DC that he cheated and that was why they split, she was upfront from the start. I think it might be challenged by them when They're older but when I was with him it had absolutely no effect on their relationship with him, they didn't 'blame' anyone or try to.