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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help I think I want to run away!

11 replies

Purpleberry · 02/11/2006 14:09

What to do? Am married with 1DS of 4 and everything in the garden should be rosy. Lovely child, lovely husband, lovely job where I can work from home, lovely house blah blah blah so why on earth should I want to throw it all away?
I don't love my husband and feel I am living a lie. Everyone around us thinks I am so lucky, and would fall over in shock if I said how I really feel but it is really really getting to me. My public mantra has always been say it how it is - what a hypocrite - I can't bear it when my husband comes near me. That said, he is my best friend I I can't imagine him not being there, I just don't fancy him. If he knew I felt like this it would destroy him.
We are supposed to be in the liberated world where we can have it all, who does? I know it is my duty and marriage vow to stay put, smile and make belive all is ok and my DH and DS need never be the wiser. In fact when I have tentativley suggested all isn't ok DH thinks I am talking rubbish.
But is it worth living that way?
If I do run away I will be doing the one thing I swore blind I would never do - busting up my DS's home life for what - my personal satisfaction
A dilema many have faced I am sure but noone ever speaks about it until all hell breaks loose and the lawyers are called in.
Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

tooyoungformidlifecrisisbut · 02/11/2006 14:42

oh purpleberry - you could be describing my situation totally.

It's not nice to be in is it. I'm afraid I really don't have much advice for you, other than to let you know that a lot of people feel like this. I don't really think that a different man would be the answer either, I think that's just how things are in most relationships after a certain point in time.

can you try and focus on your dh's good points and get some time together to have fun - a weekend away maybe?

Original poster

Purpleberry · 02/11/2006 15:25

We did just have a weekend away and it was excruciating but unspoken - does that make sense? To top it all my DS drew a picture yesterday of me with a sad face, which his teacher then sent home with a comment - Why has Mummy got a sad face? To which my DH comments what on earth is she (the teacher) on about? I feel like a wicked witch!

OP posts:

Molton · 02/11/2006 15:30

Yes you did make marriage vows and want your DS to have a good home life - but you also have the right to be happy. Are your only options to stay put or run away? Why not try to change things. you don't have to "make believe all is OK". Work exactly why you're not happy then do find out what to do about it. 2.4 kids, dog and a white picket fence is not for everyone - it's just what we think we want til we've got it.

What is your ideal life?

theUrbanDryad · 02/11/2006 15:51

purpleberry - i got married four (ish) weeks ago, and there was nothing in the vows about staying together forever. people change. i know i'm not the same person i was 5 years ago, so how can i promise my dh that i'll be with him in 10, IYSWIM?

i'm very much of the opinion that an unhappy home life makes for unhappy children, so if you think you'd be happier without your husband, then so be it. i think the picture your ds drew is heartbreaking, he is obviously picking up on your unhappiness. you have to be careful that he doesn't turn it on himself (ie "mummy and daddy are unhappy and that's my fault").

i've done my usual ramble, sorry. i hope this helps in some way. for what it's worth, you're not alone. of course, i'm blissfully happy in four-week old marriage, but five years from now and that could be me. take care of yourself hun. xxx

Molton · 02/11/2006 16:09

What about the "'til death us do part" bit?

purpleberry. I don't know your situation, I'm not in your shoes, but if it used to be good (did it?) then maybe it can be good again? My view is that you should try everything to make it work, if you can't then fair enough (no-one should spend their life miserable for the sake of marriage vows,) but if you can change the situation with your DH, I think you should try as hard as poss. If it's a matter of not fancying him, then find out what you can do to get the spark back. Yes I know things aren't that simple but relationships can change dramatically in both directions.

Good luck,

Sparkler1 · 02/11/2006 16:13

sorry to hear you feel this way. Have you considered a short trial separation? Sometimes we don't realise what we have until it's gone. Maybe a break away alone will make your true feelings come out and you will know which way in life you wish to go. HTH

Alibaldi · 02/11/2006 16:22

Your ds will feel your pain and upset though I speak from experience. I know marriage vows are until death us do part, but happiness is paramount in any relationship. Ask my h he doesn't want to be with me any more as he's unhappy . I've had to accept that and try and move on too. I'm living in rather a surreal situation but the children are not suffering too much I hope. May I suggest that you alone go and see a counsellor/therapist and talk about how you feel about your DH. It should help you work through the emotions and whether or not you should stay together just for the situation and child. Sending you lots of hugs

theUrbanDryad · 02/11/2006 16:23

do you know, i can't actually remember. that's awful. it was only four weeks ago. blame the pregnancy hormones! maybe there was a till death us do part bit, now i think about it.

sorry, purpleberry, not exactly relevant is it? how's it going?

Original poster

Purpleberry · 02/11/2006 16:27

Oddly I did have a near death experience at the end of last year, was extemely ill but all ok now so you could also call that a seperation of sorts. On recovering I was most grateful to have what I have, perhaps it was relief that the illness was all over?
But the realisation that life is fragile makes me think how on earth do I go on and put the sparkle back. Til death do us part might not be so far away so should we live our own happiness for the time we do have or do we make do. I am sure in our grandparents time they would have just got on with it and lived until whenever in relative harmony. Is it just our generation that thinks we should have it all and screw up our kids into the bargain?

OP posts:

Molton · 02/11/2006 16:27

urbandryad. Also a bit about obeying, which my DH would contend I have forgotten for the last 6 years.....

Molton · 02/11/2006 16:30

PB don't think you have to put up with it and lead an unhappy life. Try the relate book "Staying together, from crisis to commitment" or something like. Will explain how and why things went wrong (it really does....) and what you can do about it - the choice of what you do though is up to you.

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