Really upset with husband

[Lolo37]

I've just tried to talk to him as we have so many issues to work through and we never talk. He just got cross with me and started saying how hard he works to support the family. He is the main bread winner but I work part time and look after our kids. I also do all cooking and washing etc. he does do a tremendous amount with the kids however. Almost too much in my opinion. They don't know how to play by themselves when he's around. Anyway, I posted here the other day about my doubts and frustration surrounding our relationship and someone suggested counselling. I just tried suggesting it too him again and he down right refused.
I'm so upset and feel trapped in this vicious cycle of nothing happening. He doesn't want to have sex with me and is always too tired. Last night for example. He always says tomorrow. I don't think I'm that bad. Bit of a saggy tummy but apart from that am ok. I am so upset this morning. I just feel like leaving him but being without the kids would be awful for him and them.
Also we do have some good times too so I don't know if I'm being dramatic. I'm so upset and just had to write it down as I don't feel like I can tell my friends or family what a mess I am in.
I hope someone can offer me some words of comfort or advice because I really need some help.
Maybe I should at least get counselling for myself...

You're unhappy and he's ok with that. Absolutely get counselling by yourself if only to get your head around the fact that your feelings are important. What you then do with that is up to you but I'd say the vast majority of divorces I know some of the details about were due to one partner saying they were unhappy and the other not caring or being unwilling to tackle the issue.

Put all this in a letter for him. If he then doesn't want to work on your marriage you know what you have to do ......

What are the main issues?

Lack of sex. Is he exhausted? How often is it?

Thanks everyone. I think I will get counselling for myself.
Main issues:
He doesn't want sex
He doesn't listen to me
The kids are all over him and he doesn't give them a chance to be independent (I know we're are lucky that he is interested. But it's too intense. It's hard to explain really)
I don't feel able to make decisions independent of him and it's frustrating. Simple things like where to hang pictures, what colour wall paper. He often disagrees.
I feel like I've lost myself in this relationship.

I could have written your post a little while ago. I had counselling and realised that we barely communicated as a couple and that I wanted him to acknowledge and want to be with me. Sex included. I
I want his attention too. I asked him to leave as I was so miserable and that really shocked him. We did couples counselling and have really worked hard to find a better balance. But, for me, if we didn't have kids together - and had all the time in the world - I would chose to be with him. Just life got in the way. But he has to want that too and my DH realised that when I told him very clearly how bad it was. Not nagging and shouting but very clear.
Good luck OP. Life is hard x

Letter is a good idea too.

Thanks chocolategirl. Sorry you went through similar but it's reassuring to hear you worked through it.
I feel so weird as part of me loves the idea of just being free of him and all this stress but I also know the reality and think could we work through it. Regardless of our kids are we good together? That's what we need to work out. Maybe. Gosh, I'm so exhausted by it that I'm rambling all over the place and don't know what I'm on about!

Sex about every 4 months or less

Gosh you are right the sex needs attention.

Is he watching porn? Is he satisfying himself? That's a long time for a man to go without.

Re his parenting. Could you be jealous that he is giving the children so much love and attention and not cherishing you in the same way?

Re not being able to make choices without him? Is that because he never seems to like your choices so insists in having an input?

Either way I think your relationship needs urgent attention. If he refuses to go to counselling you could give him a jolt by asking him if he could leave for a week or two whilst you assess things

He probably is watching porn as I know he used to when I had the time and inclination to check up on him.
Yes, I am jealous that he gives the kids more attention.
Yep, he always dismisses my ideas.
He is also a very nice guy so I don't want to give the idea he's a complete a*hole. I'm so confused!

If he hasn't always been this way could he be depressed? I think counselling for yourself is a good idea because you must be feeling pretty low living with this too.

I don't think he's depressed but he is stressed. Thanks for all the tips. Something needs to be done.

Mine was stressed too. Hectic at work, long commute and no time for us -the kids and everything else came first. He'd also put on a lot of weight (comfort and stress eating). We needed to work on our priorities and put each other and our needs as a couple first.

I think when he realised how close it was to it ending, it brought home that something needed to change but I didn't want to make life any more stressful for a long time. But was finally prepared for it to be over. And he didn't want that ( and nor did I ) but realising I wanted his attention was a surprise. I thought it was just too hard and he didn't care. I'm rambling too!

I've got no doubt that he has good qualities. Most of us do.

Remember: if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Don't just accept things because he has some nice qualities.

Ask him to take a break from porn, if he does as you ask he should then be coming to you for sex and intimacy.

Am in a similar situation; it is very hard to stay with someone who does not seem to love or desire me. I dread having "the conversation", as there doesn't seem to be any positive interpretation of our situation. Our communication is crap.

I wish you well OP, sorry I don't have any advice to offer; am having a shit day with it.