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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being reasonable (again??)

18 replies

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:17

Me and DH can't agree on this and its driving me mad. He smokes puff and I hate it. I used to smoke the stuff when I was younger but gave up when I was pregnant with DS, whose 6 now, I have asked him time and time again to stop but he just starts going on about how much time I spend on the PC...... I don't spend that much time on here, and I have actually cut my time on the PC down anyway. He smoke it everyday, I asked him to stop smoking during the day when the kids are awake (he smokes it in the kitchen) which happened for a short time, but if one of his mates come round then he has a spliff with them. He has taken some cash now, for some more and left me with £18 to last till saturday and I have to pay for DS school trip, which will now have to be paid by cheque. I am so annoyed with it all, but can't get though to him. He says he's not addicted too!!!! He gets phone calls every day from people asking him to get it for them too and I hate it when he has to waste our petrol and time getting it for other people,
What should I do?
PS Misdee, if you r reading this, not a word to mum

OP posts:

Freckle · 28/04/2004 16:20

Well, apart from anything else, if he is obtaining stuff for other people, he could be charged with supplying and/or dealing. What would that do to your relationship and his future?

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:21

I know, I wish he would get caught, so it scares him..........

OP posts:

miserlyzebra · 28/04/2004 16:22

LOL, last line to your sis.
If it's impinging on your family finances, sounds like a problem to me, Mieow. Can't believe your MN/PC habit is as expensive. Mind you... perhaps you guys could come up with respective leisure budgets, and challenge him to keep to that?!

So I don't think you're being unreasonable to hate the situation, and wish I knew what else to say. At the very least, he shouldn't be procuring for other people, though, think I'd start on that angle first. Procuring in the USA is treated the same as straight 'dealing', and even in the UK it carries much worse legal penalties than mere usage/possession if he gets caught, doesn't it?

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:25

My internet costs £17.99 a month, and I paid for the PC out of my CTC when they messed up the payments and owed me loads he is spending about £10 a week!!!

OP posts:

miserlyzebra · 28/04/2004 16:29

What if you asked him to limit it to £20/month, and no fetching for other people? Would he accept that as fair or come up with some excuse (might say you drink more beer, or the like?).

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:30

Also, 2 weeks ago, DD2 drank some priton and I took her to the hospital, because of her face with the scratches she recieved from her sister, Social services are involved. My other sis works for SS and has told me that SS can get very funny about puff and she has had a case recently... especially if its causing problems with money.
He thinks that SS wouldn't be happy with me if they knew about my PC usage!!!!!! FFS!!! I am in the same room as the kids and can see exactly what they are doing!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:31

I don't drink....

OP posts:

Blu · 28/04/2004 16:35

I think the Internet/puff argument is a red herring - they are not relevant comparisons in any way except for the cost, and presumably the PC and internet connection are of benefit to him as well?
It's hard for people to view an old habit anew from a different perspective, i.e as a parent, but it sounds as if he is being a bit irresponsible generally, e.g the money, and could do with a jolt into adult behaviour. I wouldn't hold out much hope for him getting done, but what about telling him that a child in DS's class has been investigated by Social Services because the child talked about her dad's smoking habits and driving to other people's houses with money? Or subtley priming DS to react badly to smoke, say he hates the smell etc? I can't say I'm impressed with these suggestions of mine...and hope someone can come up with something more practical. But if he hasn't listened to you so far, it is time for a new tack!

lou33 · 28/04/2004 16:38

He's using the pc thing because he knows you are right and he has no real defence Mieow.

Blu · 28/04/2004 16:39

I wrote that before I saw your last post Mieow. He's being RIDICULOUS and seems to be childishly countering your sensible arguments about his drug use with spurious tit-for-tat ones about your internet use. Can you get your sis to talk to him seriously? This IS serious if SS are going to talk to the kids, visit, etc. He needs to grow up, and fast.

What is it that bugs him about your internet use?

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:41

He says I spend too much time on it!! I have cleaned the house today, been to B&Q and got some flowers for the garden, dropped DS at school, picked him up, and have only just stopped...

OP posts:

lou33 · 28/04/2004 16:46

Tell him to swap roles for a week. You sit on your backside smoking spliff and he can do your stuff. Then see what he says.

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:46

NAd he has done the dishwasher, while he was in charge of DD2 this morning she pooed herself, then when he was in charge this afternoon when I was picking up DS from school, DD2 pooed herself and got it everywhere, even on my fish tank!! Then he tried to get me that she done it in the space of time it took for him to open the front door to his mate!!!! OF course dear!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:47

He was in the kitchen AGAIN!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

mieow · 28/04/2004 16:56

He just got back and was pull over on the way to get his puff, sometime about a bloke fitting his discition done something earlier, shame it weren't on the way back.....

OP posts:

alexsmum · 28/04/2004 16:59

yes you are being entirely reasonable.I would go for shock value...tell him that his drug usage is affecting the children and his care of them and if he doesn't pack it in straight away you will go to the police yourself.
ignore the pc thing, its a load of bobbins.
what he's doing is illegal.What if your children do something dangerous while he is in the kitchen smoking. Knock it on the head now.

hercules · 28/04/2004 17:01

Sorry if i were you i'd be out the door nyself. Easy to say though and not very helpful i know.
You are being more than reasonable which is partly why he does it because he knows there is nothing you can do.

Easy · 28/04/2004 17:18

Look, what he is doing is illegal, and if he has smoked while in sole charge of your child/ren, then it is even more bloody irresponsible. He will be intoxicated, and not as fully in control as if he hadn't had a spliff. You wouldn't leave your children with a childminder who has a drink problem would you?

He will probably say the puff doesn't affect him that much, in which case he can do without it, can't he? Oh, and does he drive after a smoke? just as bad as drink driving (and he WILL get caught if ever he's involved in an accident).

If he ever does get caught supplying, even to his friends, then he will go to court, and get at least a fine, and I guess that would affect your family finances. He could get caught, if anyone he's suppled gets caught and tells where he got it from.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate it. If it were my dh I would say either the puff goes, or he goes. He has responsibilities now, you and his children. His days of bachelor life have gone, it's time to grow up. Sorry I just feel very strongly about this.

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