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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some serious hand holding needed, what the fuck do I do now?

38 replies

Missmonkeypenny · 10/04/2015 19:14

Firstly, please no bashing. I don't need to be made to feel like any more of an idiot, I need a cuddle and some support.

DP and I have been together for 2 years, and have DD (4 months). He struggled a lot with my pregnancy and becoming a dad, and actually kissed someone else when DD was 10 days old when he went out for the evening. It wasn't just a kiss, as he was Facebook messaging her afterwards about how he wished it had gone further with some pretty explicit things he 'wanted to do to her' and I found out. After a long discussion ( more me reducing him to a crying mess and kicking him out for the night), we looked into the possibility of him having a man version of postnatal depression and worked on our relationship to resolve the issues he had - I also vowed that if he ever did anything like this again, then I'd be gone with DD in a shot.

Since having DD, we have been intimate but not had sex because I'm waiting on a revision after my episiotomy as I was stitched too tight Blush I know he's felt a little neglected as I'm so wrapped up in DD and I've tried to get the balance right but it's naturally a struggle because she really is my world. I've been co-sleeping but have started putting her back into her cot because I know he's not been keen on it, even though he'd never say anything in reference to my parenting choices.

I've recently started working Thursday nights to bring in a little extra money for us which means I stay at DM's house and she looks after DD while I'm at work. I've just got home from DM's and flicked on the TV to find adultsmiletv as the channel which was on last which I'm not annoyed about, if anything I find it a little funny. But being the slightly on edge new mum that I am, I looked at his Facebook and found a 'hello miss Wink' message to a girl, and then looked at his browsing history and saw that his Yahoo account had been used a lot so I looked.

There's a ton of explicit images sent by a variety of girls downloaded from his Whatsapp, including ones from last night while I was away, and also videos but I can't see those as I'd have to download them.

What the fuck do I do now? I am petrified and feel sick to my stomach. DD is so tiny and I feel completely at a loss. Part of me thinks that I care so little about myself that maybe I should just forget about it because he pays the rent and lump it. The other half of me wants to pack my stuff and go, leaving him to work out what he's done for me to leave. He's back from work at 8pm and I don't know what to do. Fuck. I'm a mess.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 10/04/2015 19:16

I'd kick him out and lock the door.

Why should you leave?

Original poster
Missmonkeypenny · 10/04/2015 19:17

I can't afford the rent, my maternity pay wouldn't even cover it all, let along bills and other things.

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 10/04/2015 19:19

Go on the entitled to website and find out what you can claim. At least kick him out so you can have some space to think and process your options.

You do not need to put up with some one being so disrespectful and be constantly living with the idea he's cheating on you just because he pays the rent.

Have you got some one on real life that can come over with you tonight.

Take print screens of the info you have discovered.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:21

I'd tell him there'll be a bag on the doorstep and that if he wants even the slightest chance of saving your relationship he needs to leave you alone until you contact him. I.e. send a strong message and buy yourself some time.

Rosieliveson · 10/04/2015 19:28

How awful for you OP. I think I would text him, tell him I'd seen his messages and know what he's up to. Tell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight and maybe you can talk things through tomorrow. Let him stew!
Meanwhile, decide what you want and, if you decide so, pack up and leave. Can you and dd stay with a relative? There is nothing that can excuse his behaviour. Having children can be hard but you should be part of a team with him. He shouldn't be acting like this.
Good luck OP.

WhoseBadgerIsThis · 10/04/2015 19:31

What they all said. Plus, you're not an idiot at all, you sound like a lovely trusting person who has been taken advantage of. Big hugs. If you do split up (and you'd be well advised to consider it!) he will have to provide support for DD, so you won't have to fund everything alone. Best wishes and more hugs

Original poster
Missmonkeypenny · 10/04/2015 19:33

I just feel like a complete idiot. I can take this happening to me but I am fuming that he could do this to our daughter.

OP posts:
WhoseBadgerIsThis · 10/04/2015 19:37

Fuming is good - you are totally right to fume about what he's done! Tell him to stay away until you have had time to think about what YOU want now. And trust me, you're not an idiot Smile

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 19:43

Go for a sleepover at your mums tonight. Don't tell him. Decide what you want, not need, and remind yourself of the ultimatum you have already given him.

Congratulations on your scrumptious new baby.

Quitelikely · 10/04/2015 19:44

You poor poor woman.

Whatever you do, do not believe his son story, his excuses.

He is a selfish, immature liar. He does not deserve you and I dare say can't handle the responsibility of fatherhood.

I can tell you my own dh struggled with it in the beginning but he did not go out and look for other women. He did not seek sexual attention over the Internet.

You will be entitled to a range of benefits as a single parent. Plus maintenance from him.

You would also get housing benefit.

If you know that you could never afford to keep the current accommodation regardless of benefits and your income then you could just pack up and go to your mothers if possible.

Flowers
Rosieliveson · 10/04/2015 19:46

You should be fuming. He has betrayed your trust and betrayed your family unit. Again! I think what you need here is time. Time to process everything and work out whether you could, or even whether you'd want to, trust him again.
You always have options. There is financial and emotional support out there (and on here) for you. Brew

Original poster
Missmonkeypenny · 10/04/2015 19:46

I know this sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to say to him; once I say it out loud, it becomes real

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 19:47

This is him

it was always him despite your attempts to fool yourself he was a silk purse instead of a son's ear

AnyFucker · 10/04/2015 19:48

*sow

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:50

I hope you're ok OP Flowers

Jux · 10/04/2015 19:50

Kick him out, lovely. This will only go one way. He'll make more promises - just like last time. You will bend over backwards to try to help him and probably work harder at it than him - just like last time.

And then he'll do it again.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 19:51

I know this sounds ridiculous but I don't know what to say to him; once I say it out loud, it becomes real

You don't have to say anything yet. Seriously, buy yourself some time. Just say, "I know everything. If you want even a chance of saving this relationship you need to give me some time and space. I'll call you".

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 19:56

It's real whether you say it out loud or not. Staying quiet = him cheating as much as he can get away with. Leaving him= getting your self respect back and showing your daughter you deserve better.

LinaDee · 10/04/2015 19:57

Miss - be honest with him about what you've found and what you know. Pack his bag and get rid. You are absolutely right - your DD deserves better and so do you!!!
I'm so sorry you're going through this and it won't be easy to take that initial step but you will be doing the right thing for both of you.

Original poster
Missmonkeypenny · 10/04/2015 20:03

You're all right, I can't sit and do nothing. My daughter deserves far more than my fear of speaking up about this, I just need to work out how. I moved too slow and he's just come through the door, I am numb and in shock but I won't let this go by unspoken. I don't drive, so no chance of getting away tonight but DM is coming in the morning as he is working 8-8 to help me move the essentials so I can have a few days of space and perspective.

OP posts:
LinaDee · 10/04/2015 20:27

Glad to hear you're going to be taking yourself and DD away from this situation OP.
Sounds like you've got some support from your DM.
You're doing the right thing.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 20:29

DM is coming in the morning as he is working 8-8 to help me move the essentials

I don't understand this bit.

butterflyballs · 10/04/2015 20:34

Are you going to stay with your mum? I think space from him is best right now.

I hope you're ok.

FloristryCommission · 10/04/2015 21:41

OP is going to stay with her mum Vivacia, and her mum's going to help her transport the crazy amount of paraphernalia that comes with having a small baby. Smile

Jux · 10/04/2015 21:52

Alternatively, he could go elsewhere and op could stay in her home with her baby and all the crazy amount of paraphernalia. He only needs to take some spare clothes.