is my husband's behaviour normal?

[fluffybunnies246]

Hello…I split up with my husband then after a period of separation we're back together again. Sometimes it seems to be going well…sometimes…I don't know. I think part of the problem is that I don't know if there IS a problem. I am aware that I grew up in a hostile abusive environment and so am keen to avoid this for my kids…however, maybe sometimes I go too far the other way.

My DH is always 'stressed' and snappy. I think my eldest is picking up on this as he is now having major tantrums (age 8) and is biting his nails again (he stopped when we split up). I feel that he often has unreasonable expectations of the kids- hurrying them to bed, getting at them for leaving a mess when actually DH does no tidying up or cleaning whatsoever. Often I don't want to get out of bed as DH is storming about downstairs muttering and effing etc. I don't feel I am treated with respect- DH often says things that are hurtful and then apologises…but I can't forget what he says and after the last time (Weds night) I spent the following 24 hours intermittently crying. I still feel like c**p today but maybe that's just me being…me.

Sometimes I feel that we have to revolve around him. At the weekend, he likes to cook so whatever we do we have to be back in time for him to cook, and often that involves shopping before hand, whereas sometimes I'd just rather we had some decent time out with the kids doing something fun. If there is something he doesn't want to do/place he doesn't want to go generally we don't do it which I don't think is fair- e.g. kids like bowling. He doesn't. I had to give up my job to move house, and I don't do much socially. If I do go out in the evening/at the weekend (usually for a couple of hours tops) I usually get this thrown back at me like he has made a massive sacrifice for my sake, and it makes me feel like the stress is not worth it.

On the other hand, the kids say that they are happy we are back together, and he has agreed to pick the kids up from after-school so I can go to uni for one day a week for 6 weeks. He provides funds when I ask, although I do not know what is going on financially which worries me (I am at the bottom of my overdraft) although we are meant to be getting a joint account.

Is this normal behaviour? Am I being completely oversensitive and is everyone's relationship like this? Is there something psychologically wrong with my husband? I have my own psychological issues so this makes objective appraisal of a situation difficult.

Thanks if you have got this far.

I really feel for you, OP. What are your reasons for staying?
Did you leave the family home (with your kids) last time around? Did your husband continue to co-parent?

jan45 and vivacia I think part of the problem is I did go it alone for 2 years. Towards the end I ended up really depressed and couldn't look after the kids by myself- DH had to take them (we were living separately) which was awful. Poor kids stuck with us as parents I've long term issues with depression which were generally under control with medication until the relapse last year. Instead of getting used to being a single mum, I seemed to find it increasingly difficult.

allofaflumble he used to be excessive but doesn't do that any more thankfully. At least when he does, he's staying somewhere else overnight (boys night out where we used to live etc).

sunbeam I stayed in the family home. Dh came round frequently in the evenings for bath times and had the kids at weekends- firstly every sat and then every other weekend as I didn't get to spend any family time with them. He was pretty reliable and dedicated which I think was instrumental in us getting back together.

OP this all sounds a bit of a head fuck. Depression was a problem last time but a) needn't be a problem next time and b) can be addressed in many, many ways that don't involve you living with this man.

jan45 vivacia I think part of the problem is I did go it alone for 2 years. It was ok at first but instead of getting easier got harder and harder; I ended up having a major depressive episode and unable to look after the children. He had to take them completely for 3 weeks, and on/off for longer. I worry that this could happen again- I've had issues with depression since teenage years but usually it's so under control with medication no-one would guess.

alloafaflumble he used to drink too much and be absolutely awful but now just normally. If he gets really drunk I don't ever see it as he is on a lads night out etc

oops sorry posted twice

thank you all so much for your support and kind and practical words. I think I need to go and have a think….

He had to take them completely for 3 weeks

Well, a parent would have to step up if the other one was ill, whether the parents were together or apart.

I think you should separate again and this time see it through to divorce.
this 'man' is a disease and he'll take you down with him.

No it's not normal. And your kids are just telling you what you want to hear. Behaviour - the tantrums, nail biting etc - speaks louder than words. They aren't happy.

Sorry if this sounds blunt but right now you aren't avoiding a hostile, abusive environment and the longer you stay, the more it will be normalised.

OP, do you feel that his behaviour improved when you were separated and that he could be a decent co-parent in separate homes?

It is awful that you have to live like this. Please put yourself and your children first. I can't imagine being with him will alleviate your depression in any way but to be honest you must be extremely strong to have endured so far. I think you just don't realize how marvelous you are!