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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone done the friends with benefits or fuckbuddy thing?

21 replies

bluesox · 10/04/2015 12:27

New username to save my embarrassment.

I split from ex DH last year and wrote on here about it at the time so would rather what I'm writing about today wasn't linked with that so new username. Thanks to all who helped before.

Our kids spent Easter with ex DH and his parents which felt strange but it did mean I could go to a work do in a pub for a colleagues retirement on Saturday night. While I was there I got chatting with a bloke from work who split from his wife last year too. We compared notes about breaking up and then just chatted about all sorts. After the pub we got a take away and took it back to his flat where we ended up having sex together, the first time for both of us since our break ups.

Tuesday back at work was awkward with both of us avoiding each other but then we decided we needed to talk and face up to things. Three things emerged that we agreed on, neither of us is ready to get into a relationship, even if we were we wouldn't be right for each other, and finally that the sex on Saturday night was amazingly good for both of us.

He has suggested being friends with benefits or fuckbuddys which sort of appeals to me but it is something I have never dreamed of doing before.

Has anyone here done it before? If so is it as straightforward as it seems or am I getting into something I shouldn't?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 10/04/2015 12:36

I think the complications can start when feelings start to develop.

Why don't you just go for it, as long as it makes you happy, who knows what could happen?

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 12:43

I think the complications can start when feelings start to develop.

Why don't you just go for it, as long as it makes you happy, who knows what could happen?

whothehellknows · 10/04/2015 12:57

I don't see a problem with it, as long as you're both on the same page. Sex is fun, why not?

cleanmyhouse · 10/04/2015 13:19

I'd be really wary of doing this with someone you have to see at work in case it goes wrong.

QueenB14 · 10/04/2015 13:25

Yes but I would never have that kind of arrangement with somebody from work, then again I've had this kind of arrangement where it was mostly drunken "booty calls" so wouldn't have liked to have seen them in the cold light of day in any environment let alone a working one

RiojaHaze · 10/04/2015 13:26

I did it. Started off thinking that it was the perfect situation for me - I was young and only interested in partying with my friends and would end up back at his house for sex. Win win for me.

Then I developed feelings for him that were a bit stronger while he made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing more from me. I put up with it as I thought that he would change his mind but he didn't, so once I came to that realisation and started feeling used by him rather than on a even playing field I cut all contact.

When I look back now, I feel a bit stupid for not realising earlier as I got hurt and would have happily moved things on, whereas he had absolutely no interest in me out of the bedroom.

Now however, 15 years later, we are quite good friends through social media and talk quite a lot. He has also said that if I had have been more interested in settling down at the time then it probably would have progressed but I was a bit of a party girl and he was desperate for a family. Which ironically he did get but at the same time as me as our DDs are about 10 days apart in age!

So I think as long as you can communicate properly and keep your self-respect then go for it!

BunnyLebowski · 10/04/2015 13:27

I'm all for a FWB set up but never with a colleague.

Don't shit where you eat.

SilverFishFly · 10/04/2015 13:28

Having a fuck buddy is okay if you can emotionally seperate from them (i'm not strong enough to do this but that's just me!). But NEVER have a fb who is also a work colleague - it may feel exciting at first but if there is a change in the power dynamic between the two of you it will definitely spill out into your work life, i've seen it happen!

MiniTheMinx · 10/04/2015 13:29

I fucking hate this term and the "idea" behind it. Why can't you just be friends who fuck. By this I mean "date" not with any great intention to plot a future, but just have fun. I mean, don't we usually think of the person we get intimate with as a friend, the person we love as a friend, the boyfriend is a friend, the husband too.

The reason I hate this term and all it seems to stand for: its a useless label that seems to set boundaries and lock you into a sort of deal, with the best of intentions someone always breaks the rules, it diminishes any real value to human relationships, it allows men to think differently about you, often putting you at risk of STDs because it allows for multiple little assignations, feelings often don't conform to rigid rules and imposed institutions.

So, neither of you are ready for a relationship, sorry to break it to you but you are already in a sort of relationship...one where all the other lovely nice things that happen in relationships will be off bounds and outside of the boundary.

You can set ground rules: no hugging, holding hands, supporting each other, no texts apart from arranging sex, no laughing, giggling, no nights out, no sharing meals, no flowers, no kisses, no gentle back rubs, fluffing hair, teasing each other, no flirting, no eye gazing, in fact everything that might create intimacy or stir up feelings must be off bounds lest one of you strays outside the golden rule; do not fall for each other. Does that sound fun?

FwB was clearly designed for men who want sex without the hassle of being decent human beings able to hold a conversation, a door open, or go halves on a meal out.

Twirlwirlywoo · 10/04/2015 13:34

I wouldnt take this any further with this man.

He is a colleague.

Too close for home.

It will end in tears - your lives cross elsewhere other than the bedroom. Not wise, especially when its your livlihood and somewhere you are unlikely to be able to avoid if/when this goes tits up.

If you need/want this set up then it has to be with someone who is JUST that in your life with no other cross over as an added layer of protection for further down the line - just in case things go wrong.

I have a friend who has had the same friend with benefits for a few years but end of last year she started cooling it because she had met someone she wanted to be with. Despite there never being ANY feelings and both having had other brief partners inbetween, FWB is now pissy and done a few weird things and its just become awkward - luckily he does not work with her and she can avoid him for the most part, but its all gone a bit off and uncomfortable!

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 13:39

the other posters are right OP, I never thought of that initially, not a good situation with a work colleague, could cause you no end of work problems.

pocketsaviour · 10/04/2015 13:46

I would steer clear of a colleague.

I have done this before and in fact it was with a colleague and worked out okay... but had the potential to go horribly wrong.

I've known plenty of people (mainly at work) who had a FWB also a colleague and it often causes major problems.

If you work in completely different departments and don't meet during the normal course of your work, it might be okay. But if you're in the same dept it could quickly backfire.

AGirlCalledBoB · 10/04/2015 13:57

I think a fuckbuddy is fine if you are both on the same page. But I would not do it with a work collegue. If something goes wrong, it could make work really uncomfortable. And you would be opening yourself to all sorts of gossip.

BolshierAyraStark · 10/04/2015 14:04

FWB are a good thing if you're just looking for sex-I wouldn't, however, choose a colleague for the role.

Meerka · 10/04/2015 14:46

I've had two FWB years ago and they both worked out very nicely. We were up front and meant it on both sides about it being a temporary, friendly and cheerful short term thing.

I'm not sure I'd risk it with a work colleague though.

If you want a FWB situation you have to be very, very sure you don't want your heart engaged. I think they work better from an emotional position of strength rather than vulnerability.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2015 14:48

I did this with a work colleague.
But it wasn't for me.

He wasn't very good in the sack to be honest.
I realised I like relationships and not this kind of set up.
It was never awkward at work to be honest.
It all ended over 18 months ago and everything is just fine and dandy.
But... if it has already been awkward once then it might not work.
Give it a go, I say! You don't know until you try!

overmydeadbody · 10/04/2015 14:52

Nothing wrong with FWB, I've had many, but never with someone who you have to see regularly. Especially not a colleague!

FWB are not long term things, they don't usually last long, so once they are over and you call it a day it is much easier if you never have to see them again, especially if one of you develops feelings and therefore you have to cut it short.

UnsolvedMystery · 10/04/2015 16:12

I don't see what the difference is between dating someone from work and having a FWB from work. There's the same risk with both.
Lots of people date people they work with. It can be a bad idea but I don't think it si automatically.

Jan45 · 10/04/2015 16:26

I'd avoid starting a relationship with anyone at work too!

msreddotty · 10/04/2015 18:30

I've done the FWB thing and probably wouldn't do it again. The guy was the best sex I'd ever had. I became obsessed with sex with him! After a few weeks I started to fancy the fuck out of him. He became a bit of a drug. It then went terribly wrong and had to do the whole NC thing as it was making me ill. Now a year on he pops into my head a lot. I can't imagine if I worked with him!!

aberdeenkath · 10/04/2015 18:33

Personally, I had experience of this many years ago (slightly different scenario) and it worked well. It was someone I knew well and we both knew each others 'buttons'.
We both made it clear that it was a purely physical relationship and it served a purpose without any issues (actually, the sex was pretty amazing and uninhibited - something I have never replicated in an emotional relationship unfortunately).

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