Would you rather know - Child Abuse related.

[DoTheDuckFace]

Ok I have name changed so that I can be as honest with the details as possible without outing myself.

When my mum met my stepdad she was a single mum of four young girls. He had had allegations of child abuse made against him by his own daughters but was never charged due to lack of evidence. He convinced her that his daughters mum had put them up to it. I am hazy on these details as I was a child at the time.

A few years later my mum died and he became our guardian. My sisters and I were 17, 14, 10 and 6 and our Brother, Step Dads own child was 2.

SD became an alcoholic. oldest sister moved out with her BF when she turned 18 and the next sister began to get lots of cuddles on the sofa and began sleeping in bed with SD. She moved out at 16. Then I became his next victim and he sexually abused me too.
I moved out at 15 to live with friends and younger sister moved out around the same time to live with our older sister. All of this happened over a decade ago.

Younger sister found about the abuse to me as one of the neighbours had walked in on it and told her years later. She says that he never touched her in anyway but thinks that older sister and I should report him to the police or at least tell our brother what happened. Older sister denies it ever happened to her at all but we both know that it did. Younger Sister is threatening to tell our brother herself because she thinks he would want to know.

I have always refused to speak out, our brother doesn't even remember our mum so I think it is cruel to take away his dad too. His dad is now an old man, sick and no danger to anyone. He lives alone, a sad, lonely alcoholic with no life. Our brother visits him and cares about him but he is the only one.

So basically am I right in keeping quiet, how do I get younger sister to keep the secret? Is she right, does brother have a right to know what his dad is like. What would it gain now after all this time.

Obviously if my brother has children during his fathers life time I would have to speak out for their safety but I really don't see him as a threat to anyone now.

The decision is down to you and anyone else (you mention a "next sister"?) who has been abused and who isn't in denial. This is not your little sister's decision to make, it's your choice.

Nobody can tell you the right and wrong thing to do here. You know your brother and how he would react. You also must decide whether you would get any benefit from reporting or from telling your brother.

Your sister loves you and is probably angry, but if she has never been abused then she has no idea of the burden you are carrying.

You very rightly say that if your brother has children, then you will speak out. That is the only circumstances that I would say to you, you MUST tell him.

Anyone have any advice at all? I really don't know what to think.

This is your story to tell and I understand that.

If my father had committed such an awful crime (time and again) then I think yes I would want to know.

I understand you are doing this for the greater good and trying to protect your brother but you know him best.

whether you can keep your sister quiet is another matter. She obviously thinks telling him is the right decision.

Would you really want to know though, igronance is bliss they say. I think that is what I am hoping to get from this thread, to see if people really would rather know after all this time.

I think you can only decide for yourself, you cant make the decision for your sister.

Not being in the exact position, (i've been in a similarish) one though re family history, and I'm glad i know because it means i understand the family members actions a bit more than if i didnt know

(dont want to give too many details)

Um, think Yew Tree...

It's criminal. Yes, you can keep it secret but it will likely haunt you all unless dealt with in some way.

People might be supportive or they might say what's done is done - you can't predict. They might also say you're lying...

What do you want to do?

It's such a personal decision op. Firstly you can only decide for you. You can't influence your sister it's her choice what she does.

Their are many issues with regards to telling or disclosing. You have nothing to be ashamed about and should you decide you need to tell then that is ok. It's also ok not to say anything as long as your certain your sd isn't in contact with ANY people at risk.

You need to work out that once you've told, you can't take it back. So you need to be sure it's something you need to do. What do you want from telling or not telling. Who would you tell?

This is where good counselling can be incredibly valuable. What do you feel you need to do?

I don't think there is a 'right' or a 'wrong' thing to do in terms of disclosing childhood sexual abuse. Or perhaps what is 'right' or 'wrong' varies according to the individual. When you were young choices were taken away from you. Now it's really important not to let other people - either here or in your own family - to dictate what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' do.

I'd be inclined to speak in confidence to one of the organisations that provides support to survivors of sexual abuse, so that you can get support about the difficult situation that you are currently in.

Yes,I think he should know.As an adult I found out my grandfather was a child abuser,and I am glad I know,and that I no longer walk around acting as if he was a good person.He didnt deserve for people to think well of him,and neither does your stepfather.I am sorry you went through this

I have had the experience of speaking to two relatives about the experience of physical assault by a family member from the older generation. It took me a very long time indeed to disclose this, and it was my decision alone to do it. One relative accepted what I told them. Another one did not.

Disclosure is not an easy thing to do, and so I am glad I waited till I felt this is what I wanted. (It took several decades and it's now a point where I am stronger and clearer in terms of my own views and feelings.)

I don't think disclosure makes things 'better'. It makes things different. I feel that there's a sense in which my relationship with both the relatives who I spoke to has been permanently affected - for the better in one case, for the worse in the other.

I just want to forget it ever happened, I don't see how any good can come if dragging it all up now. I just feel under pressure from my younger sister to tell our brother.
Sorry pocketsaviour I crossed posts with you. I totally agree with what you said about her not knowing what its like and I resent her for keep bringing it up. It happened to me not her so it should be my choice.

I'm so sorry this happened to you all. I've had recent experience of this with a close friend. She did speak to the police but they didn't push her and in the end he died during the time she was contemplating things. She only contacted police because he was getting close to a girl and she of course didn't want anything to happen.
I guess you need to think about what you think would be gained from reporting versus potential cost to you/family, but also know that contacting police doesn't necessarily mean anything being taken further, probably not without your buy in.
What might be worthwhile is getting some counselling, If you haven't already?

I wanted to add –I am so sorry you've been through this. You must deal with it in the way you see fit and not be coerced. To have such pressure is something known as secondary abuse, actually, even if well-intentioned.

This could really open up a can of worms and under no circumstances should you be forced to reveal anything that will make you suffer.

No advice but just wanted to say that you sound like such a lovely and empathic person. It can't be easy to go through losing your mother at such a young age, then the abuse, and yet you care about the impact of this information on your brother. It seems to me like you will make a wise decision and I hope your younger sister allows this - whatever you decide. xx

I agree with other PP that you must do what you are comfortable with.
In terms of your little sister keeping the secret, I wonder if there are services she could talk to - Women's Aid? - that might be able to help her understand why a victim of abuse wouldn't want to disclose it?