Wondering is it worth it? Do I just give up?

[soph252]

Ok so I'll admit I am feeling a bit hormonal so please bear with my ramblings. I am a woman in my mid-thirties in a happy relationship but having major major doubts, everything I believed in has just been rocked.

I have had previous relationships, nothing out of the ordinary- some ending badly / cheating etc and some just dying out.

I had my son 10 years ago became single and had stayed that way for over 8 years, felt content and have great friends and family, wasn't particularly looking for a partner. Lots of my single friends started on dating sites and it seemed like fun plus I had just started to think maybe I should make a bit of effort unless I wanted to be single forever and I do think aslong as its a good relationship it would be nice and do have the desire for another child, a family. But it was going to take someone really special to make me go for it.

Long story short - met a man who has treated me from day one like I dreamed of being treated, best friend, all my friends think I'm so lucky! Been together a year and a half. We only see eachother at weekends but message and talk lots. He seemed like someone who loves me and I thought I could trust. My son and him get on great too. All wonderful, until he lied to me about silly little things. I don't do lies. I have been honest and faithful and expect nothing less. Plus it just shocked me because I just didn't believe he was like that. We had discussed it and agreed we could get through anything as long as there was trust and honestly. He talks of moving in, having a baby, marriage and still treats me like a princess. Then I find out he sent a couple of messages to a girl at his work, she messaged first and nothing too dodgy just a bit flirty. He assures me he was not interested at all and wants to do anything he can to prove he just wants me and apart from this I have no doubts he is telling the truth.

But and this is the massive stumbling block I am struggling, I feel scared now and just completely side-lined by it- just didn't think he would do this just by the way he seems so devoted to me.

I know I'm not the most stunning but not unattractive, always get lots of male attention but I guess have always wondered why. I don't feel attractive, I'm slim, average looking struggling with grey roots and just feel like maybe I'm just not good enough to have someone who loves me, maybe I should duck out now as I just now think I thought it was all there, my confidence has just crumbled though.

Not helped by the fact that within the last few months 2 of my friends relationships have ended and 2 friends cheated on. I am wondering 1 - are there really any men out there who can be devoted to one person and faithful & 2- why do I feel like I will never have that - I thought I'd found him and now having major doubts. Even doubting myself. I was a confident woman who felt attractive before this and felt I deserved a decent man. Not sure what I'm looking for really - words of wisdom from you lovely ladies, a bit of perspective and a kick up the bottom ?

Of course you shouldn't be expected to take a vow of celibacy until your child has left home! The right sort of step-parent can be a massively positive addition to the child's life too. But yes - you do have to be so careful. Clearly you are :)

A couple of flirty messages is nothing. Lying is a deal-breaker surely?

Once you know someone lies, everything they say has the potential to be untrue.

Personally, I'm not prepared to spend any time in my life wondering if something I have been told is bollocks.

I think it's the lies that are at the root of this crisis of confidence OP.

I'm 40, and in my short life I have seen a complete cultural shift in this. Years ago the milkman flirted, the builders whistled, guys slapped your bum at the bar, men chatted you up, men and women spoke to each other, the mechanic gave you freebies and generally the world was a happier more friendlier place.

Yeah, I really miss those days of being felt up and objectified by strangers. You find the world a less friendly place, I find it a more friendly, respectful place and less threatening.

Yeah I miss them too, when people actually spoke to each other and men didn't risk a caution for just saying "hello"

As for the world being a safer place, we all know that it isn't. Threatening? I was ferocious in policing my own boundaries. AS for being objectified...its a weird thing really but men do look at women and sometimes they quite like what they see. Sometimes they might even like what they hear. However a mixture of hard line feminism, liberal feminist middle class clap trapping, legislation, 24 hr consumerism, iPhones and tinder and all of a sudden men are actually a little bit afraid of speaking to women in public spaces. Its ridiculous. We are losing the ability to speak, read body language, read clues, and use our own discretion.

Well, I still speak to people and men don't risk a caution for saying "hello" but there's nothing I can do to stop you making things up like that.

AS for being objectified...its a weird thing really but men do look at women and sometimes they quite like what they see.

Finding someone else attractive = ok. Catcalling in the street = not ok. The first time builders wolf-whistled at me I was 13 and wearing school uniform.

However a mixture of hard line feminism, liberal feminist middle class clap trapping, legislation, 24 hr consumerism, iPhones and tinder and all of a sudden men are actually a little bit afraid of speaking to women in public spaces. Its ridiculous.

If it were true. You seem to be in your own little reality there, so I'll leave you to it and not derail the thread any further. Happy to pick this conversation up in Feminism Chat though