power imbalance

[Catnuzzle]

Last night I trumped in bed. I did not say pardon me. I was berated by DH, who was stood in the doorway at the time, and I was punished by him sleeping in the spare room and being refused my goodnight kiss.

For context, prior to DC, there was no 'pardon me' required, only introduced to encourage good manners from them and if they had been present I would have said it. DH can be hypocritical with bodily functions. They are amusing when he is in the mood, utterly disgusting if he's not. I am not to know from which day to the next.

I lay, alone, in my bed last night wondering how/why my DH believes I am his subordinate. I stated at the time I objected to his tone of voice, that he wasn't my parent and did not get to discipline me.

I get that passing wind is not acceptable by some, that is not the issue. I truely feel he was more annoyed by my lack of compliance than the action that led to it.

He asked for a cuddle this morning and I replied 'no thanks'. He came to say goodbye before leaving for work (I was in the shower) and I said 'goodbye, see you later'.

So now I am feeling guilty that he's gone to work with me sulking at him. But I genuinely don't know how to handle this.

For background info, I have previously been in an EA relationship.

This may seem like a really silly argument but it feels huge. I feel like I am expected to do as I'm told and not to question his authority. I thought we were partners, equals, a happy family.

Is this an isolated incident, or are there other examples of your DH treating you like a subordinate?

Have you tried talking to him calmly about it, to explain how you feel?

A few times DH and I have both told each other off and we both hate it - we both apologised and try not to do it. It is very disrespectful to treat a partner that way.

This is not normal behaviour from him. Please do not accept it.

I'm pleased you did not act normal with him this morning.

What he hopes to achieve is making you nervous so next time time you will use your manners, you will be slightly afraid and not know whether he's in a good mood or not.

You need to have a serious word with him. I'd be surprised if his behaviour doesn't start spilling over into other areas.

Watch out. This stuff just creeps up on you and before you know it your walking on eggshells trying not to cause problems.

If you are even using words like 'compliance' in your relationship - then does it not stand that it is abusive by the very nature of having one partner complying with another?

Thank you for your replies. I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable by withdrawing this morning.
There are a few other issues but generally he is lovely, caring, supportive.
I have done the egg shell walking before (15 years ago now) and will not allow that to happen.

I know Alternative. That's why I feel so sad. That my DH expects compliance from me. I feel like my heart is breaking.

What are the other issues Cat?

Just usual relationship niggles. I feel I do more than my share of housework, he prioritises things he wants to get done (cleaning the car) over things that need to be done. I'll food prep is pretty much left to me even if I've been at work all day...

What happens if you do not comply?

For example, you come home after work and say 'I can't be arsed to cook'. What happens or would happen next?

Ok, I'm struggling to see the lovely caring supportive part. Is the "compliance" thing a regular problem?

He'd do it. No questions asked. I think regards that he's just on a different time scale to me. I'm thinking 'sooner kids are fed, sooner they go to bed', whereas he's just not got round to it yet. No arguments or snide remarks. I haven't ever raised it because I don't get to make the rules. Just put it down to us being different people and doing things differently.

I have suffered with pnd and since then ongoing bouts of depression. He has been very understanding and supportive. I have ongoing issues relating to a problem manager at work which he has helped and offered advice and support on.
He does lovely things like leaving my cup ready with a tea bag and sweeteners and the kettle full ready to boil when I get home (to name one thing).

The changing the rules thing also seems like a red flag, sometimes farting is fine, other times not allowed. That means you constantly have to check with him and can never be sure about how he'll respond.

But the main thing for me would be does he try and enforce some sort of penalty for non compliance? ?

Hmmm I'm wondering if this is a dynamic that's built up between you rather than something he's necessarily doing deliberately. You say "I've never raised it because I don't get to make the rules." Raising something isn't about making rules, it's just about talking it through, getting to see each other's point of view and then come to an agreement that suits both of you. Do you ever bring up relationship issues with him? Are you quite a passive person generally?

No Suzanne. This is really the first time. We've jokingly threatened sleeping in the spare room before (both of us, totally lighted hearted, no power play). This is why I'm struggling. He actually used the word 'punishment' in relation to not giving me a kiss. He doesn't have to kiss me if he doesn't want to, but as punishment? WTF.

I agree, it certainly has built up over time. We don't argue. We don't say things in the heat of the moment. Generally we do discuss and work out a plan together. Usually we are a team. If there's an issue it's discussed calmly and fairly. Apologies have been given by both when appropriate.

So what's different here then? Has something changed? Is he trying to provoke an argument for some reason?

I have no idea?!

You didn't do the wrong thing to freeze him out this morning.

Sleeping in the spare room because you trumped in bed, without apologising, and you needed to be punished? WTF??!

I would probably leave it but make a mental note of any future similar incidents.
but you could just explain to him how you feel about it?

Def a chat about it required. Thank you for all the replies.