Going NC with family - what are the practicalities?

[Imustgodowntotheseaagain]

Do you tell them, or just sort of sidle away?

It's a bit of a moot point anyway, as we haven't spoken since September bar one 'happy chipristmas' text and a birthday card.

I've moved house since then and none of them have asked for my new addresss.

I'd like to call it a day - just wondered if you make a thing of it, or if it's just a decision in your own head.

Christmas...

Might depend what the issues are and how nc you want to be, eg whole family or just one household?

Do you want to be informed if someone dies, for example?

My worry about telling people that you are nc with them is that they will react to it by making a huge song and dance defending themselves to the rest of the family. Better maybe to let it drift?

I'm estranged from my brother for all intents and purposes but I haven't 'said' anything. In due course I will start using that word when others ask me about it. I have my reasons, and its a good word to use to explain the status of our relationship.

If they are not pressuring you, then I will leave it lie.

If they pop up, you are busy. If people ask about how they are doing (unless you want to actually tell them) just say they are fine. Same old same old.

You dont need to actually do or say anything unless you want to.

I just stopped seeing them, answering anything, going to anything. They weren't worth an explanation.

My parents are old and vulnerable so I do see them. It's a struggle but they're not as rabidly toxic as my siblings.

Any emails from what I laughingly used to call my family are forwarded to DH who will tell me if someone dies. Otherwise I don't want to know.

My top tip is don't seek out information, Facebook stalk, or otherwise perpetuate the relationship in your head. Anyone trying to tell me about what my parents are doing is told politely that I don't want to hear it.

Just remembered I did respond to a poisonous text from my sister - along the lines 'do not text again, it won't be read'. That was a mistake, she's certainly made me pay re blackening my name far and wide...

Sidle off, I should. If they have nothing concrete they have nothing to release their nuclear arsenal at. (Assuming they're as poisonous as my lot, that is)

Agree don't follow them on FB etc. Cut them out from your mind and heart.

Though ime the 'mind' bit can be hard re obsessing. This goes in spates with me, I can have times I'm thinking about them non-stop, which is a real pain. I have to be honest I pray when that happens, that i'll be released from that, though I appreciate that's not everyone's thing. There is an org called Stand Alone that supports those cut off from family for whatever reason - they had workshops recently re dealing with the obsessing.

It sounds like in your situation that you can just let things drift and quietly fade away.

In my case I emailed my mum to say I wanted "a break" from contact with her as she used to ring me at least once a week and text or email every day. She also used to send texts/mails of increasing anxiety if I didn't answer. So if I had just gone radio silence she would have ended up on my doorstep, and if I hadn't answered the door she would undoubtedly have called the fire brigade to open up as she would just "know" I would have drowned in the bath or whatever other morbid and dramatic scenario she could come up with.

Surprisingly she has respected my request and hasn't tried to call or email since.

I wrote to my mother when I needed a 'recognised' break. She said some extremely hurtful things which I needed to process in my own time. I needed her to know that I was choosing not to be in contact.

It only lasted a few weeks, during which I felt I got my head straight. Soon after that she became ill and dependent, and I reflect now that that break was helpful for us both. I came away able to cope on the basis that 'she is who she is' - essentially a weak person, who is easily influenced by others, but someone who ultimately needs an advocate as there are people in my family who are prepared to bully her.

These same bullies actually cut me off, to be honest, by closing ranks against me, not replying to emails etc (I mean information type emails, not emotional or ranty emails). However, they like to send cards and things, I can only imagine to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Thanks :) I will carry on as I am - I don't follow them on FB and in fact use a different name on there so I am tricky to find (unless I want to be found). I think my brother follows me on twitter, he seems to know a lot about my life - or the bits I share publicly there, anyway.

I recognise the obsessive thoughts problem - I'll check that group out, springydaffs and thanks for the recommendation.