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[Charley50]

My ex and I have had a long, and for me very painful, breakup.
He decided to move out last summer instead of moving into a new place with me. I initially said that if he moves out we might as well split, as it was a big step backward after living together for 3 years, but then we carried on seeing each other, hoping to sort things out. He kept stringing me along for months, telling me he would move back in then deciding not to; usually because I had got upset about something like him not being around much. We got in a cycle where everything would be fine, then I'd get upset, then he'd get pissed off at me being upset, leave, and give me silent treatment for a week, making me further upset. I told him how bad the silent treatment made me feel; he tried to stop it, but it is what he does. He avoids conflict by just disappearing. He doesn't do it purposely to hurt.

OMG it sounds draining just writing this. Anyway now I am left feeling guilty. I was too clingy, i ignored his need for space, if only I'd not cried blah blah blah. I do feel that I lost my dignity and lost perspective. My thoughts about it all became a bit obsessive. My friends say it's not my fault but I feel like it partly is. I have gone from being happy and cheerful to sad alot of the time and can feel myself sinking into a sort of depression. I love him and miss him and find it hard to imagine my life without him in it. I feel like a shell.

I know I should be glad to be out of a relationship where I was given the silent treatment and let down on many occasions. Instead I feel traumatised and miss the good things about our life together. It is a daily struggle to pretend to be OK for my friends, family and DS. I've just arranged counseling, which should start in a few months. I'm really useless at being alone; I thrive in company and go on 'standby' when alone, and find it hard to occupy myself constructively at the moment.

I'm not sure why I've started this thread, probably because I'm on here so much anyway thought I might as well share my current miserable existence.

There are lots of people who'll no doubt have better words but I didn't want to read & run. I'm sorry you feel so crap but it does sound like you're better off without someone who plays with your feelings like this when you've opened up to them about how it's affecting you. You're worth so much more than that.

Is DS your Ex's son, Charley ?

No but he has known my DS since he was 3 (he's now 11). They got/get on well but I feel he's abandoned him too. My DS has a solid relationship with his dad and seems fine but I imagine he's a bit hurt too (he says he's fine).

Thanks bigbum, I try to tell myself this and my friends tell me this but I've yet to feel it. He is a very sweet guy with lots of good points, and we still have good sex. (Well not going to anymore as we're finished).
Over the years I have forgiven his occasional silent treatment of me as something people do with his type of upbringing, but actually it led to me becoming very anxious.

It sounds as if you've been conditioned over a very long period? (Everything on his terms and you subjugated and having to 'fit in' with him totally.) If so, that's plain difficult to break away from so I'm not surprised that you might feel rudderless for a while.

There will be something left of you deep down though - it just takes a little bit of space and time to develop and flower again.

Have you any plans for DS? That's a very long time - nearly all of his aware life - to have had someone and then to have them go.

I think many people try to take the easy way out and maybe for this guy that was it - move out, keep on seeing each other etc - it is easier than stating the truth - this is over. Maybe they are trying not be be hurtful, who knows...but it is the INDECISION in it all that makes us anxious! You probably felt that you had to perform or be on your best behaviour all the time to keep him. That is draining and unfair to you. When someone wants to leave there is nothing that we can do to alter that and we have to accept that.

In addition, this is where the problem starts because WE look inside of ourself to see what WE have done wrong. WE are only human and yes relationships are not always perfect - sometimes we are grumpy, sometimes we may bitch a bit about things - that is life. WE end up blaming ourself. It is the security of the relationship you miss - the someone to talk to , the physical presence of him being there and this is what makes us look back perhaps a bit too fondly on what was. But what about them and their part in it?

I know exactly what you are talking about as my husband left after over 28 years of marriage and it is a daily struggle. I feel like I am on repeat but you are young and you do have a future and you do deserve someone who will treat you better than this. You have a child in the house - enjoy that time.

It doesn't matter why you posted - there are many people out there in the same boat and a few words on here hopefully will make you realise that. Take each day at a time and try to make great times with your son !

Thanks both of you. I am still out and about doing stuff with my son, and trying to hide how sad I feel. My ex says he will keep in touch with DS, he has his own phone and they play a computer game online together, but it's hard he isn't in his day-to-day life anymore. DS is not one to talk about feelings but his behaviour hasn't changed since ex left.
I think ex and I were both at fault really, but he wasn't prepared to take on board my issues and me being upset just made him back away more.
Yes I did really want a happy settled life with my partner and my son, and right now it seems so out of reach, even with another partner in the future. Sorry to hear about your breakup PP (can't scroll back on phone). It just changes everything about your life doesn't it? I haven't found any plus points yet.