My Dads wife is making it difficult to maintain a relationship

[CranieCranie]

My Dads wife has never liked me. My Dad is an alcoholic. I was very glad that he remarried as it lifted a huge burden off me at the time despite how awkward things were.

But years on they live in a different country, he has no contact with my other siblings or any of his old friends. It has taken a massive effort on my part to maintain a relationship. Now I have 2 children I can no longer afford the travel to visit him.

So this Easter they came to stay with us. Despite it being the first time they met my one year old and despite my older child being sick most of the time they were drunk every day and there was some hurtful behaviour. On the final day my Dads wife was clearly in a terrible mood and having had too much wine in the afternoon argued with him all evening, then turned on me. I didnt respond at all, took lots of abuse hurled at me. I did what i could to smooth things, get her settled but I don't know how I pretend that things are OK now.

I can't have them visit again, I don't want my children to witness alcoholism or that behaviour. I don't think its fair on my family to use what little money we have for trips to visit them.

But this all means never seeing my Dad again. They literally have no friends and their drinking is out of control. He has drunk himself into a coma, been sectioned, lost his driving licence previously. I don't know how I will know my Dad is OK in the future if I don't see him.

I suppose the alcoholism is what makes the relationship difficult. But the fact she openly dislikes me is what really makes me feel like giving up.

I don't really have a question. Just a bit glum about it all.

What a shame. It sounds as if he is determined to drink himself to death sooner or later. Most people wouldn't have someone who acted like your DF or DSM in the house, nor would they want to maintain a relationship with either of them.

It doesn't sound as if you get anything from your relationship with your father except perhaps easing the guilt you feel for not 'helping' him, which you can't anyway as it's up to him to control the drinking.

Maybe it is time to give up on the relationship, better that your DCs don't witness all the drunkenness. Very sad but I don't see what else you can do.

I dont know what i get but he was once a very lovely Dad. I still see some of the lovely person he was. Seeing him is very sad.

You have my sympathy. My father and his wife struggle with addictions too. They're very hard people to deal with. But I can't help them and I need to protect my child from the pain thatgoes with them.

I know it's hard to let go.

Perhaps write down your happy memories. Make a photo album. So the good times are recorded for you and the DCs to read in the future, and to pass on in the future.
I should probably have done this myself, DF was an alcoholic so many memories are sad and I didn't/don't talk about my childhood much but there are times in my DCs lives when they would have loved some info and detail, and of course there were some fun times.

This is very sad for you. Al alon maybe to offer to support. I can understand why you are angry with your father's wife as it is easier to be angrier with her than your father but he is responsible for his drinking not her.

You might want to contact Al Anon - this is for the family and friends of alcoholics. In a brutal way, your dad has done you the favour of detaching from you so you don't need to detach from him - which you would have to even if he lived in this country. He sounds pretty far gone but should he ever decide to turn his life around before it's too late, he can contact you. No good can come from you contacting him, as you've seen all to clearly this holiday.

Of course they drank despite being with your children and not having met them before and one being ill. Drinking is what alcoholics do. You need to accept this. The three Cs are:

• you did not cause this
• you cannot control it
• you cannot cure it

I don't know how I will know my Dad is OK in the future if I don't see him.

He isn't going to be OK. He's going to die. But it may take a long time and he may be extremely unwell in the process. It may not take a long time. But you can't stop this from happening, and contact with your dad may just exacerbate your pain. It sounds as if your siblings have already made the decision to let him go - it's the right one to make.

I know what you are saying Tribot, I spent a long miserable time trying to help him, never got anywhere. I can see now it was stupid to think this visit would be different to how it was. But it feels wrong to walk away from family - from a parent. I think I posted to be told its OK to. Still seems wrong though.

You are right, he is probably going to get more unwell. Its something i worry about if I lose contact. There is only me to look after him

Thanks for those sharing experience. I know its not good for children to be around. Writing down memories is a nice idea for the futute Norah.

He doesn't seem to have had much problem walking away from you, though? Your feelings of loyalty are misplaced. You have children of your own to protect now, as you recognise. But you also need to protect yourself.

No he didnt. Thanks for the advice.

I've opened an account on Mumsnet, just to respond to you. I'm also feeling very glum about a similar situation. I'm single without kids and live happily in Spain. My last visit to Dad was made unbelievably traumatic and difficult because of Dad's wife's barely concealed resentment towards me. I also experienced bewildering unprovoked explosions of rage. I, like you, tried really hard just to stay calm and even feel compassion. But it was just awful and it's taken me a few weeks just to get my own emotionaol health back on an even keel. Alcohol is also there in the background.

In my case, I've decided to just stay right away from her, but to keep in touch (keep an eye on) Dad via chatty emails and the odd videochat. He's also 80, but he can manage clicking on a link to join a meeting with me. I feel that's all I can do, my conscience is clear and it keeps the lines of communication open. I'm so heartbroken for him, but in the end, it's what he is choosing (he says it's too expensive to get divorced) Being an adult is so sad sometimes. Sending you a hug

It's so sad and I really feel for you. It sounds as though you've done everything you could to try to maintain a good relationship.

Perhaps as @canoshippy suggested, you could keep the lines of communication open without planning actual trips. Let him know you remember the lovely Dad he was, and that you'd love to have a better relationship with him, but that you can't risk the nastiness of his wife who clearly doesn't like you.

Don't feel guilty for not seeing them. You have to protect your DCs and yourself from their damaging and frightening behaviour. This is their mistake, not yours.

ZOMBIE from 2015.

I feel I should add;*I have been Teetotal for 14 years now so I recognize alcoholism. You can't kid a kidder. I would recommend Alanon too if you want to meet other people dealing with the same. It is possible to protect ourselves and let go.... without having to feel guilty that we have somehow abandoned our parent. That's exactly what I'm aiming for.