Doubts about my relationship

[Lolo37]

My husband and I have been bickering constantly since we had kids. We argue a lot now and he irritates me most of the time. I find it hard to be around him and the kids as they just dote on him and they can't be independent when he's around.
He doesn't want sex with me and never really has been that in to it. I really miss sex and find myself looking at other men a lot as I don't feel husband fancies me.
I think often about leaving him but also there are positives that are stopping me. I have tried to talk to him about all of the above and just feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. He says we don't need counselling.
I'm scared of a future without him but don't know how we can move on from where we are. I can't live my life like this. I want to be happy and have fun and life with him is so stressful at the moment.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Could you ask for an open relationship?

No

why can't you leave him?

What are the positives that mean you don't want to leave him?

I'm scared of breaking up the family. I was really upset when my parents split and I was young. Also very worried about hurting him. also would have to uproot kids from school etc as wouldn't be able to afford to stay in this area. Can't bear the thought of causing them upset.

Positives are he's lovely and kind, funny (when not annoying), intelligent. But at the moment he irritates me more than all of this. Maybe someone else would appreciate him more.

In your position I'd arrange a counselling session and then tell him that the marriage was at risk if he didn't attend.

Can you live with a relationship where your only sexual satisfaction comes from masturbation, and you feel that your H doesn't find you attractive?

I couldn't.

I have tried to talk to him about all of the above and just feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall. He says we don't need counselling.

Oh that's just dandy. So he gets to not meet your needs, not discuss his lack of meeting your needs, and refuse to do anything to remedy it. Charming.

I think I'd be saying at this point "It's counselling or divorce". Some people need an ultimatum before they'll actually wake up and smell the coffee.

And you think it's better to go through however many years like this?

Your kids will sense something isn't right. Best to sort something out now rather than wait and suffer. Kids are pretty resilient.

My parents never gave a thought to moving us around when we were young. Never affected us. We just accepted that was how things happened. We moved down from a very rural area in Scotland to a very large city in the South of England so even worse than just moving areas as our accents and wariness made us really stick out. And even when we had been here for a couple of years we moved about 25 miles away and had to move school again, to only stay there for 9 months and move back again.

You worry about making him unhappy, hurting him, yet you feel it's ok for him to do the same to you?

How old are your children? Do you spend time alone together? Has your husband said why he doesn't want sex with you? Does he make an effort in other ways?

Sorry to ask you so many questions but it's difficult ti know what to know what to advise you without more detail.

One thing I will say is that all relationships go through difficult times, especially when the children are small, but there is a danger that your husband has got into some bad habits which could later prove hard to resolve. Do you think there is anyway you can get him to talk to you or has he shut down completely?

He's not intentionally making me unhappy. He is a nice guy. I think he's just unable to see what's happening. I find it scary to think of leaving him. I admire people that are strong and can do this. I know I have to talk to him.
I have never told anyone this (so I will tell the world!) but when he proposed to me I actually nearly had a panic attack and had to talk myself round and get excited about the proposal. I think my mind and body were telling me it was wrong but I didn't follow that instinct and now I am obviously in the wrong relationship with two children.
I'm alsoI'm scared of being by Myself for the rest of my life

He says he's tired or has headache when saying he doesn't want sex. I think he watches porn as he used to but I don't try and check anymore so I'm not sure. Anyway, I do think he is at least satisfying himself as he's mentioned that.

He's not intentionally making me unhappy. He is a nice guy. I think he's just unable to see what's happening.

I think he's intentionally choosing not to see what's happening. His behaviour doesn't sound very nice.

I find it scary to think of leaving him.

Yes, it is scary. Making him the man you spend your life with is scary too. Choose your scary I guess.

Masturbating is fine. Not being present in your relationship, refusing to listen to your needs? Not fine.