dh and his other facebook profile

[pastilla]

nc regular as v identifying
its been a very hard year for me/us. my dad has cancer, almost died after op, months in hospital with me trying to visit as often as possible, so my focus over the last 6 months at least has been there. Then i have been off work last 2 months with work related stress after a colleague completely lost it with me (i have had trauma counselling as it was so awful)
Anyway, thats my background and i guess dh has been ignored. Certainly i havent paid him much attention. I have also felt really unsupported by him at least the last few months, but our relationship has probably been poor and neglected for a year at least
i have 'known' he's emotionally checked out for a while. I know he was on the verge of starting an ea at work but i think he backed off when i caught him texting her. Then yesterday i had had enough of feeling like crap for his lack of emotional involvement and thought i would find out what was going on. Its not as bad as I thought as its not an ea at work. He has set up a facebook profile, own pic, pic of our kids, and joined 'singles' types websites, all young asian women sites, and been messaging them. To be honest, nothing too awful, but really hurtful, about how he is divorced, they look sexy etc. Sleazy middle aged crap
sigh
any advice, wise mumsnetters?
He is staying at his mums right now

I think you need to wise up and stop minimising what is bloody awful behaviour on his part, when things get this low it's time to call it a day.

He felt neglected, you went through hell and he was off pleasing himself with fuck knows who, seriously OP let him stay at his mums, at least until or if ever he can actually treat you with some respect.

And that is what you call a husband, oh dear.

Get angry, he's taking the complete piss.

Wow! So sorry you're going through all this OP
I would find what he does worse than an ea tbh. At least an ea usually sort of develops/creeps up - no excuse obviously, but I can sort of see how they can happen.
But your "D"H seems to be actively editing you out of his live and is trying to find someone to cheat on you/replace you with. That's terrible and unforgivable imo.

Yeah, to be honest i just dont know how to look at him with any respect ever again. Friends say i am over reacting :(

Not as bad as you thought ?

Fucking hell

You are NOT over-reacting. This is very bad divorce-worthy behaviour.

Do your friends understand the meaning of being married?

Oh, you need better friends as well as to get rid of your cheating husband

Good he is at your mums, at least the embarrassment will be less, I bet he is on dating sites too, perhaps your friends who think you are OTT are also.

He is massively apologetic and wants to do 'whatever it takes' to make things work. But what does it take??? He has been doing this for months. Hes sorry he got caught but wasnt sorry enough to stop doing it
god, i am so crap at getting angry :(

I guess it was 'different' to what i thought!

I am crap at explaining all this. I forgot to mention all the sites are abroad so not uk based women. He says he didnt want to meet anyone, just talk. Frankly i cba checking his phone etc to see if this is true or not. who knows? maybe he is just better at hiding the other stuff? I cba living with someone i can only trust if i keylog their computer!

You know, there have been times in our almost 30 year marriage where both DH and I have had to take a 'back seat' to other family members. I guess you could say we 'neglected' or 'ignored' each other to care for parents, siblings, even dear friends during illnesses or crises. But neither of us had an affair, emotional or otherwise, or 'flirted' or whatever the hell you want to call it because the other was preoccupied with other 'duties'. We're married adults who understand that life happens, we're not children who throw a strop if our needs aren't met immediately. We've never not supported each other, even if support meant backing off and leaving the other to deal with things as they see fit (even if we disagree).

Your husband is behaving like a child. I'd say that living with his 'mummy' is probably the right place for him, at least until he can grow up and act like an adult. You deserve much better treatment. Please stop blaming yourself for his immaturity.

nothing too awful ???

OP - really?

Thats how I feel too, AcrossThePond, like it is really childish and needy to run off for attention just because I have been caught up in really stressful life stuff
I am so disappointed and let down :(

AcrossThePond is exactly right - all marriages have peaks and troughs. We all have periods where we're going through too much shit to be particularly focussed on the spouse/partner, but you ride it out and if you're solid and care then you emerge the other side stronger.

I know I'd find your DH's antics bloody hard to forgive. Is Relate an option? Either together or alone - it might help to figure out how you're feeling.

I suppose what I mean by 'nothing too awful' is that it could have been much worse. It wasn't graphic, anyway! It's so gross, seedy, cliched and 'sad middle aged western man' though, I just find it really hard to think it was my dh. If that makes any sense? Sorry, I feel like I am rambling :(

I can't face Relate with him I don't think!

Your work stress and your dad's illness are the exact reasons why he should be extra supportive, not backing off and looking for attention elsewhere. His behaviour would be unforgivable to me, despite his pleading for forgiveness. He has shown you exactly how much use he is in a crisis.

Tbh this is one of the main reasons I divorced my XH. I knew when shit went down he wouldn't be there for me and what fucking use is that to anyone? Anybody can be there for the good times, people who truly love you are there when you really need them too.

Just remember that this is only what you have found - there may be other things that he is doing that you do not know about.

Amy is right. It should bring you closer, or rather a 'tighter' unit. Even if what a spouse is doing is giving you the freedom to tend to what you need to. When DH's mother became very ill (our first 'crisis' of this type) our agreement was that I would take over the home-front completely and let him be free to focus 100% on her, to come and go as he needed.

I understand about not wanting to go to Relate, at least now. I think you need to focus on the 'bigger picture' of your marriage, not just the issue of emotional (or other) infidelity. Not that that isn't serious in itself, but the bigger issue of will he be or has he been there for you when you have needed him. Not just in the major things, but also in the day to day things that make a marriage work. Is he a partner or another child?

So these women could see pictures of your children??