I think it might be time to leave him???

[BoxofSnails]

I'm in my 30s and despite some significant long-standing physical disabilities, I'm employed working 4 days in a professional job....
my DH is 20 yrs older and earns maybe a third of what I do... which tbh feels like I subsidise a very expensive hobby...
I think I want to live alone. He thinks - and I do, much of the time - that I'd not cope without him. It might be different and in some ways harder but maybe I would cope. I don't think he'd ever have children with me... so if I never have children alone I've not lost anything.
In my normal life I look pretty capable - at home I look utterly useless. How do I make things change?

Would you current living arrangements support you moving out and having a trial separation for a bit?

It sounds like you have discussed separation and he's said "Ha, you'll never cope without me!" but has he said that he wants the marriage to continue? Or is he generally checked-out as well?

When you say you'd have difficulty coping, do you mean physically due to your disability? You can often get help from social services, or privately if you have savings, with household tasks that are beyond you. If you need help getting out of bed, bath, etc you could look at adaptive equipment.

Seems to me you resent the fact he earns so much less than you do. I used to earn over 5 times what my ex-wife used to but I never resented it. As long as we had money it didn't matter who earned it as long as we were both earning and we were neither of us carrying a lazy partner. And when we had children I never resented the fact that my ex wasn't earning at all while she was looking after our children.
Why do you minimise what your husband earns? An expensive hobby? Rude to the point of being obnoxious. Or do you think you could 'do better'?
I may be reading this wrong but I don't think you're very nice, and it usually takes a lot for me to think that based on a single post here.

I think perhaps you need to take a look at yourself first

He thinks - and I do, much of the time - that I'd not cope without him.

What specifically do you think you could not cope with alone?

Nobody has to stay in a relationship they don't want to be in because of social care needs.

As pp said, which bits of home life do you think you'll need support with?

Geez, you got an unnecessarily hard time here!

I don't read your post the same way at all. It sounds to me like he likes you to think you have to depend on him when in reality he is depending on you. Working successfully 4 days a week when coping with significant disabilities suggests to me that you shouldn't put yourself down about your ability to look after yourself at home as well.

20 years is a big age gap and could be an issue. However, it is more likely that he is just not the right person for you any more. You have a long life ahead of you and it really isn't worth investing more time in a relationship where you are not equal partners.

I think you know it is time to move on and I can see that is scary but it also sounds like you could do it if you want to.

The decision is whether you would prefer to work together to change the relationship balance or whether you would actually like to change the relationship full stop. Either way, don't let anyone make you feel like you don't have the right to make that decision.

in my normal life I look capable - at home I look useless

OP why do you feel useless at home when at work you are professional, capable and managing your physical disabilities fine?

This really struck a chord with me - I used to feel like this too, like I had two completely separate lives - a professional one where I am well-regarded, competent, well-connected, autonomous.... and a home life where everything was on edge, nothing right, constant criticism and negativity, I was unsure of myself. I could not understand why I could not bring my 'competent' self back home. I coped with it, just about.
Then I did some CBT and really looked at self-esteem - something I had not thought was a problem previously.

Sorry to 'project' but I wonder if this reflects your situation?