Threats & a miserable non-marriage (quite long - sorry)

[AuntOlive]

My H and I are in a crisis. Things have been bad for a while and a week long row erupted recently. He threatened to leave me and told me I will not get a penny.

I work part time and my salary would cover the mortgage with £100 left over per month.

Can he force me to sell our house? We have a son aged 7. My H is v controlling and emotionally cruel, he won’t talk to me or let me have any equal say in the finances.

I also was upset about our DC’s school (DC attends small independent school, v modest fees, and is v happy there.) H said he will not pay if we split up and he would have to leave. It would break DC's heart to leave and I had such a turbulent time at school that I would do anything to maintain his stability at school including staying with H if that is what it takes for DC to be happy. It also broke my heart to hear him be so callous towards DC.

He actually did leave one night and never came back (transpired he had stayed in a hotel wasting money we can ill afford).

After one row I got so distraught at him that I said to him "OK please stay (as I was so scared of the alternative) what do I have to do to ‘behave’..?" He actually said – "don’t cry, don’t get upset (I was both at the time) and this house is a S**-hole, clean it up – oh and get my meals on time."

I can’t take it any longer, I hate him. I have removed all my rings and it’s over as far as I am concerned. I am just staying under the same roof as I don’t have the physical or emotional energy to battle what he is doing to me or to cope with any upheaval at present.

H has also been emotionally blackmailing me saying that he has been ‘this close’ (holding up finger and thumb) to hanging himself due to me ‘having a go’ at him.

I don’t feel I do have a go at him, I just want to talk and get upset when he won’t, but with him there’s never a good time – he always puts it off or makes a reason why that time is no good.

Another thing that bothers me is that I suffer from depression and he uses that to patronise me when I get upset and says things like ‘you need help’ and makes GP appts for me (without telling me) and threatens me with ‘being sectioned’. I actually phoned the GP when he did this to cancel the appt and explain I was not ill just upset (and the GP agreed).

I have enquired about legal advice and am saving up the £120 for an hour’s appt just in case it all blows up again.

With him it’s always my fault or I am the one over-reacting or being unreasonable and he has worn me down to such an extent I kind of believed it, but having spoken to friends I really feel I am not to blame and have some rights over how I want to live, and how I want to manage the finances.

Just miserable and looking for some support / advice. (Might not be able to check back in until later as have posted while at work.)

Has anyone else experienced a similar problem? Any suggestions on where I might stand regarding whether he will legally have to pay me any support gratefully received.

You will get financial help from the government if you leave, so don't worry about that. You will be fine. I don't know how benefits go with regard to a mortgage but you may be allowed housing benefits to go towards it, so you don't have to leave.

You will also get benefits for being a single parent in the form of tax credits.

I'm not a lawyer, but you might have the right to insist that he continues to support your DC in their schooling if he can afford it.

When he is out of the house, look around for documents proving his earnings and pensions. Photocopy all that you can because men often try to hide their earnings.

Start preparing yourself. Knowledge is power in this case. This is not going to last much longer. Right now you are at the lowest point, from here on in it will get better.

He can threaten all he wants, but I'm afraid it absolutely isnt going to work as he (and you) imagine. The court will do pretty much everything in the interests of the child, and him throwing threats around wont change that reality.

You will have rights to benefits, in fact you will personally probably be better off financially than you are now, and as you work part time - you will be in quite a strong position.

You need to copy the paperwork (bank statements, mortgage, loans, savings) and put it somewhere safe. Passports, marriage certificate, birth certificate and anything else you think might be necessary hide them at work.

Go with a list of questions to the solicitors - note down the answers. If you don't like the first one find another. It took me 4 to find one that I really believed in.

Find out the stages that you need to go to and expected delays.

Read posts by WellWhoKnew as she gives really good advice and also mentions 2 books about divorce.

Read Why does he do that by Lundy

And that is for starters.

Please call Womens Aid and log his abuse.
This will enable you to get legal aid so you won't need to worry about legal fees.
Do this asap. They can help with experts in DV cases.
Manipulative, abusive men need a certain type of solicitor thrown at them and WA can help you with all of that.
You have been bullied, emotionally abused and financially abused for years.
The scales are falling from your eyes which is good news.
But... do not leave the house unless you are in danger. As soon as you are then get away. Yours and your DS safety is paramount right now.
But get all your ducks in row.
WA and CAB can help you understand what you would be entitled to as a single parent.
He would also have to pay maintenance.
Pay no attention to the suicide threat. it's bog standard for abusers that are starting to lose their grip.
If he does sound serious and you think he might carry through then call 999 and get him help. If he's just using it a threat then they can read him the riot act and if he's doing it as a serious thing then they can help. You cannot!
I really hope you can get him out of your life to live a far happier one for yourself and DS.
I would guess that your depression will lift somewhat when this abusive twat is out of your life!