Putting a marriage back together - what things did you do to get you back on track...

[JaneAustenwashockinglyFugly]

Have had a tough 18 months where we agreed that we have resented each other and felt deep contempt. We separated for 2 months and are now "trying again" what were the things that helped you get through? We started looking a big gestures - big family holiday, moving house etc but I think that they are just superficial (and risky! and it is in fact the little day to day things around trust, respect and kindness that will actually see us through.

Thoughts?

What did you resent about each other. How did you come to feel contempt for each other. That is a very strong dislike, it may not be possible to rebuild the relationship.

I think it's the every day stuff which helps.

Every day, tell the other person something nice. "That shirt looks great." "I love your hair." "You're so good at cooking/fixing computers/whatever." "You smell nice." You get the idea. It doesn't have to be wrapped up in flowery language, just something positive and unforced.

Also, thank each other, even for things you've been accustomed to. "Thanks for doing the washing up." "Thanks for putting the kids to bed." "Thanks for coming shopping with me."

It depends on what knocked you both off track in the first place.

I absolutely agree with pocketsaviour. That is so important.

I worked far too hard, late into the small hours of the morning after a 10 hour day and often had to be away mid-week for 2/3 days. We agreed that I could work as long and as hard as I wanted Monday to 5pm Friday - and then the weekend was totally ours! I wasn't allowed to talk about work after 7pm on Friday ..... as we arrived at our holiday home!

If I was at home Monday to Thursday, we always had a meal together and chatted about DH's day. (He was, by this time, retired and working PT - so some days we chatted about the bargains he had found in the supermarket.) It came down to showing a genuine interest in and care/love for each other.

He loved watching snooker, cricket and tennis on TV and would often do the ironing or peeling the veg in front of the TV. I would try to get an update on whatever I thought he might have watched that day so that I could walk in and say "Hey, didn't *** do well today?"

I think it all comes down to finding ways to CONNECT - no matter how small they seem at first.

HTH

After my husband and I went through a very difficult time almost ten years ago, I did several things:

I took responsibility for all of the things I did wrong and tried hard not to point fingers at him even when I was tempted to do so.
I very directly asked him what he needed in the relationship and did my best to start giving it to him.
I started giving him regular back rubs.
I started doing small things to support him, like laying out clothes for him when he asks for that, helping him pack when needed, arranging appointments for him, helping him with paperwork, etc.
I worked on becoming a better listener (especially around topics which interest him but bore me).
I started flirting with him again!
I started clearly expressing my admiration and love for him on a regular basis.
We both started a campaign of spending more time together, and having much more regular sex, and more adventurous sex.

This really might make me sound like a very meek/naturally obliging sort of person, but I am not. I am independently-minded, a bit selfish (yikes! so embarassing to admit that) and I have a professional career. (no insult intended to mild-mannered or obliging folks, I love them, I just want to point out that I had to make an effort to train myself to do these things.) I just realized that I have a very marvelous husband and that I needed to do my best to make him as happy in the marriage as he can be. He is also a marvelous father to our children and I realized that it is important for him to be able to see how much I value him. I must say, any energy I have spent in this regard has been returned many times over.

Thanks All -- the issues for me were around him not stepping up to support on a range of very tough issues that had come our way in life all at once. He put his head in the sand and I felt abandoned having to cope single handedly alone. There was also so space in our very busy lives (both v demanding careers and x4 v demanding children). He felt that I was a hard task master and shut down to my nagging. Think we need to build in time and space for the relationship and agree more relaistic expecations of each other - simple things as you recommend.

I think you need to be more specific for us to advise. I also think sorting out demanding careers and demanding children will make the biggest difference so maybe you do need to make some big changes, rather than small ones.

What is your current set up re working hours and childcare?

We talk. It makes us feel closer. It's not even about important things, he fills me in on what's happening in politics, we joke about how much i hate and he loves sport, we do newspaper quizzes together. The important thing is that we spend time together focusing on each other for a period of time every day.

Encouragement is a good thing. Even when resentment gets in the way, encouraging instead of grunting makes a huge difference to my relationship. We have had a tough18 months too. I wish you the best of luck. X

Can i ask what your current living arrangements are? Why 2 months? I am at the start of a supposedly trial separatIon though suspect it will be permanent. My DH has instigated it. We have not had any contact with him since monday but he will see the children tomorrow no more plans have been made. I currently feel resentful that i am the one sorting the children etc etc & he is likely to be out enjoying the single life. Apologies for hijacking your thread!

During a time when dh and I had become distant I embarked on my "deliberate love strategy". It encompassed many of the things that pocketsaviour , sadwidow28 and Zillie77 have said - essentially focussing less on MY discontent, and more on OUR positive interactions.

Like Zillie77 I worry that it could make me sound like a compliant, surrendered wife - nothing could be further from the truth

I know that I can't make my dh change is behaviour, but I found that MY positivity generated a more positive response from him, which made me feel more loving, and then him feel more loving - the very opposite of a downward spiral.

I also think that communication is key to remaining interested in each other (and in yourself) and in long term relationships it can be all too easy to fall into lazy patterns of communication. My dh and I are currently discussing one question a week from "36 questions to fall in love" (co-incidentally there is thread on this at the moment). Sometimes we chat about it for about 4 minutes, and it's done. but some of the questions have sparked off really interesting conversations. I know that a couple of times I've felt that my assumptions and prejudices have really been challenged. And doing the 36 questions over one year (rather than trying to answer them all in one night) kind of emphasises the long term nature of creating positive change in a relationship - it is a slow build towards a long term, outcome, not a quick fix that will last for a few months.