DP says all the right things but nothing changes or moves forward

[whattodothursday]

I've been with my DP for 3 years. We lived together full time until his job moved him, and now I see him at weekends. Our relationship was a happy one, and my DP says all the right things, all the time. He is adamant he wants to marry and have a family. The problem is that although still relatively young (late twenties), I am ready for all this now, and he seems only to be able to say these things, not act on them. His current plan is that when he finishes his current work contract (the one that causes him to work away in the week), he wants to buy a home together..ie this time next year. This fits in with our plan financially, and also we will both be in a better position job wise. So that's fine. But I can't help seing it as another thing that he 'wants to do,' yet it is far off.

I am very upfront with my DP, and I don't believe if not being honest about things, especailly once you have had the marriage/baby talk. I have told him that I feel like he says these things because he has a buffer of time in which he doesn't actually need to act on anything. Although I've not pushed a proposal from him (I would find that inappropriate), I have tentatively asked why he says he wants to marry yet there's no ring on my finger. His response is that I should be patient and he will do it 'in good time.' When I ask why he wouldnt crack on with some of these things if he means them and wants them, he gets all offended and says I am being ridiculous..of course he wants me etc etc. I do believe he wants me - I'm just not sure this treading water phase is all that attractive anymore.

I feel that whilst it is ok not to rush these things, and in actual fact I'm not personally bothered about getting married asap, I would quite like to focus on my work and holidays with DP before doing any of that...I can't help feeling like this has put a dampender on our relationship. Saying you want to marry and have a family and have a house...yet not doing any of those things, even the ones that can be done without practical considerations like cash? (ie an engagement?) It's all starting to feel very much like there's not much substance to what he says.

My DP generally is a very indecisive person and he has quite an odd relationship with his mum in particular (parents separated). He is starting to seem to me a bit like a mouse, not a man, and as the weeks go by I feel less and less wanted by him.

Am I wrong for looking at this scenario in this way? I know we've not been together for a massively long time, but these chats about the amazing future we would have, have happened since 6 months in, and still continue, just with no action.

Ummm... some men do have a tendency to want to achieve carrear goals before marriage- a friend of mine only married his partner of 9 years only when he was well on his way to achieving multi-millionaire wealth, however that was after 2 children a sizeable property portfolio.

How long are you prepared to wait? If you are of the belief that a man is judged by uis actions then again, how long are you prepared to wait? How long does he have left on this current contract? Maybe wait it out that long?

You have known him 3 years thats ample time to realise his charcter and principles. I get that you want to see a return on your trust of him thus far. Does he keep you abrest of his work achievememts/ goals?

Or he could be an ass that is playing on the fact you want to settle down so is throwing you just enough words to keep you around untill he is where he wants to be/ figured out if he wants to be with you.

Only you know the full picture

I don't know the full picture, that's what's worrying me.

If I told him i didnt trust him he would just say all the right things and tell me 'soon' these things wil lhappen. I'm just bored of that, it seems to be that if you really wanted these things, there would be no reason to put time frames on everything.

He will simply tell me he loves me and couldnt imagine being without me...but to my mind, if thats the case, why isnt he eager to move forward with our lives?

I had a boyfriend like this, for 4 years he was promising to get his divorce sorted and introduce me to his family, I never wanted to live with him just be acknowledged to his family, he kept saying non-committal things, like yeah soon (or something like that) it never happened and I moved on. I did feel smug when his mum died, I told him to go home and not contact me until he'd got over it - why should I care if I've never met the woman.

You're a bit young to be this desperate for a proposal. At present, your DP is making a fair bit of sense: he wants to get to the next stage in his career and be able to build a shared home with you without having to keep going away for work. He's asking you to wait a year, which is a clearly defined amount of time.
He may fear that if you 'get engaged' then you will start pestering him for a wedding date and throwing away your birth control ie that if he gives you a concesssion it will not be enough for you.
It really is a big mistake to see having a relationship with someone as a strict linear progression with a timetable when there are so many other aspects of life to enjoy. What's your career like at present? Do you have a job you love, or are you training for one, or looking for one? Whatever you do don't make compelling this man or any other man to propose to you the sole aim of your life.

He's said 'this time next year' for house-buying together. Wait a year and don't mess up that year by nagging, whining and dragging him past jewellers' shops all the time. If you get much beyond next Easter with no sign of change then it might be time for a rethink, but you do have a year to spare. You might like to use some of it to work out if it's actually him you want to be with, or if he just happens to be the one you have around as he was available and not repulsive.

I don't see the point of getting engaged unless you are imminently planning a wedding and setting a date otherwise it is fairly meaningless.
I agree with SGB. Sort out what you want from your own life apart from being a wife and mother and give things a year. if in a year he still isn't wanting marriage and kids then look elsewhere if this is important to you.
If you are feeling less and less wanted by him and viewing him as mouse like then getting married and a mortgage together is the last thing you should be getting in to anyway as the relationship maybe isn't working anyway.

solidgoldbrass you post makes a lot of sense. i agree with what my DP says and can understand it, and i know deep down that a lot of my concern is rooted in my own insecurity. for what it's worth, i have a good job (will be fully trained come january), and i am quite happy with the way things are. i've felt alot of pressure watching many of my friends marry this year already - 3 of them are 25. this makes me worry a bit, although i know deep down it's genuinely not what i want right now.

my DP is very laid becak and can be indecisive so i know that;s just him as a person as well. i guess i need to learn how to be ok without constantly assessing my relationship - something i have always found hard to do.

How old are you OP?

And how old is DP?

Really good advice to wait a year- I would use it to save, do new stuff (believe me you wont get much me time once babies arrive so enjoy it all now)

I actually wouldn't bring up the subject to him in the next twelve months. Do you really love him or just the idea of settling?

Then if nothing has changed.. quietly walk away.

I say this as I was in a six year relationship until I turned 30 and did just that. I am glad it didn't work out as it turned out he didn't want a family.

Also having had children at 34 and 35, I think it was ideal timing. Don't force it. It will be so much nicer to not be engaged because you demanded it. ( I mean that kindly - no offence meant)

I think you are piling pressure on to your DP and I don't think that is fair. From what you've posted it sounds as though he is a practical thinker, wanting to get in a better financial position before taking the next step. And he may want to put a ring on your finger only when he knows you will be in the position to pay for a wedding.
Looking at him as a mouse is you being irritated that he isn't doing what you want, when you want.
Also, I have a friend who hinted at wanting a proposal (mentioning it, showing him rings etc) and he left her. They are back together after some tough conversations but he felt like she wanted to be married more than she wanted their very nice, happy relationship.

Hmm. This sounds to me like a possible inertia relationship. You and he are quite nice people who get on quite well but because one or both of you has absorbed this idea that life has to involve this linear progression from a few fucks to shared grandchildren according to a strict timetable, you are going to follow the ruts tracks all the way to a life of miserable boredom. Just because your friends are marrying, doesn't mean you have to. They may have met a really good partner with whom they will build a pleasant heteromonogamous life or even a totally wonderful one - or they may be rushing into marriage to prove they are 'normal' and one or both partners might turn out to be abusive/addicted to drink or drugs/hugely irresponsible/serially unfaithful/utterly boring and they end up divorced.

In general, does your DP do the things he says he's going to do?

Or do you find he often makes plans, or talks a lot about what he's going to do, yet the day of action never quite arrives?

If it's the latter, he might be the type of person who tends to say things to please or impress people, whereas deep down he isn't really sure of what he wants to do. In which case, I wouldn't hold your breath about a marriage proposal, or anything else. At the very least, follow mrsmeerkat's advice to save, and do new things while you have the chance.

If he does do what he says he will do, in general, then you are probably on firmer ground.