Single and pregnant - I don't want to have another baby.

[mumblingalongtime]

I'm struggling so much with this. I'm already single mum to a 15 mo DD and me and her dad broke up wheb she was a tiny baby. After a brief reconciliation I am now pregnant again. I just don't want to have this baby, I am struggling with one and I don't know how I'll manage with 2. But I can't go through with an abortion - I just can't. And I've left it so long (now 14 wks) I really would never forgive myself. But the thought of a future with 2 babies is terrifying. What am I going to do? I haven't told any friends or family in real life as I can't bear to have the discussion right now.

You can look at adoption for your baby. I understand you can't go through with abortion; I wouldn't do it this late either. To me, it's a baby - arms, legs etc. Adoption would bring a lot of joy to another family, and so many yearn for new born babies, I imagine it'd be a quick process.

Start talking to someone you know in rl, you are going to need lots of support. What is terrifying you? Is it because they will both be so young? Does the father have much contact? He might be able to help relieve some of the pressure when baby is born.

Please look into adoption. So many families waiting and hoping. But also know that you don't have to make any decisions yet. You might feel differently later and that is totally normal - my middle one was born when my eldest was 15 months and my goodness she was a handful at that age. Over the following 6 months, she became much less like a baby and far less physically dependant. I suppose i'm saying that you can dare to hope it will get easier, but if it doesn't feel that way when the time comes adoption is an amazingly selfless choice. because I can't imagine how stressed you're feeling right now.

Can I very gently ask why you can't have an abortion? The fact is, you're going to have a baby now. If you really don't want it then you still have time to have a termination. I, and many others here, have had one. It really isn't an awful thing to do, mine was dine under a general anasthetic, as would yours at this stage, and all I felt afterwards was relief. Have you had any antenatal care at all? A scan, seen a midwife? If you're hiding it it makes me very worried for what you're going through. Whatever you choose to do, you need the support of your family and friends. I found 2 dc a massive struggle. I was on my own as my own xp walked out while I was pregnant. My friends are the ones who helped me through, so you need to open up to someone. Have you told the dad?

Thanks for the replies

I feel terrified as I'm fearing the worst I guess. That I won't be able to cope with 2, that I won't love the new baby, that I'll have to wait even more years until I get 5 minutes to myself, that it too will be a terrible sleeper. Just so many reasons. I'm just scared of not coping above all else I think.

The dad knows and is on the scene. He is actually happy about it. But that's because he hasn't a clue how hard it all is. DD has woken between 5-10 time a night (sometimes more) every night since she was born, and I have done every single waking and feed. I haven't been out of the house without my DD since giving birth. I have completely lost myself and I have asked the dad for help but nothing has been forthcoming. It's hard to understand why, he sees DD most days, and yet there's always a reason I can't get out of the house to have time away.

I wouldnt be able to cope with adoption either. In some ways I wish I could.

I haven't had a scan or anything at all yet but planning on doing so next week. Maybe that will change things I don't know.

It doesn't surprise me that he's happy about it. It's going to make little difference to his life, he's doing nothing to help you as it is and another child is unlikely to change that. The burden will still be in you, not him. I think you are going to need to formalise some kind of visitation/maintenance if he's to stay on the scene. At the moment you sound as if you have no self esteem and tbh he's probably keeping you down. Why are you letting him visit so much if he's not actually any help?

It must be very, very hard not to have even one hour to yourself in 15 months.
I remember in the past colleges where Nursery nurses trained offered help of students to come and help to look after small children.
How about Surestart? Have you contacted them?

There are also charities which offer befriending, I think when I was young mother I would have loved to have someone like that coming to visit me.

You need support now as you seem to have no one to help you. Do you think you want to talk to someone?

I find it really hard to reach out for help because I've always been the strong one in my family. And then when I do ask for help I don't get it anyway. I'm not sure how I'd feel about having a stranger help me, but it's something I will give some thought to. It's not something I knew existed so thank you.

I let him see DD so much simply because she enjoys seeing him and otherwise she would get bored seeing my face 24/7. I literally don't have anyone else who is able / does visit - he is all we have. When he comes I am then able to catch up with housework or whatever. So it's not all bad.

You're right that I don't have any self esteem. I used to, but over a year of being stuck indoors and I've completely lost all aspects of what I thought I once was. I do feel completely unimportant and worried that feeling will only get worse with 2, which in all likelihood it will.

Let others into your life.
Write emails first and send them - see what you get back from those organisations.

I used to be like you - always the strong one. What happens is then is that you take all challenges on and often overstretch yourself.
You probably think I can do anything and everything. You can - but at what cost? Sleepless nights or perhaps even a nervous breakdown.
In long term - not good.

BTW - what would happen if when your exP is at your place you say - I just need to pop put for 10 min to a corner shop?
Would he be mad and leave on the spot ot would he be OK.I would try it as he may think he won't be able to cope and slowly needs getting used to be the idea of being in sole charge.

My mum had a gap of 11 months and 11 days between my sister and I. she did not work though. She was married but my dad was out of the house 8-5.30 and at weekends he was doing up their house.

she says it was hard at first but later it meant that both kids were at same development stage.

I can understand your fear. I'm a single mum to a 2 years old and I am so glad I didn't have another child with the ex, it would been so much worse and harder. My ex sees our child but won't have overnight visits which is dissapointing.

You need start demanding he take visits outside the house. He still has all control and where is your break?? Take control. If I was you I have an abortion but I'm not you. Your make it work, you have too as you got no choice.

Hi OP. Can I suggest you talk to Gingerbread? They are great for helping single parents who sometimes just need a bit of a handhold or a bit of a boost or to get out of the house and remember who they are. They have chatrooms and a helpline and also local groups you could join.

I'm a single parent so I know a bit about what you are going through. And you are at the worst possible point in the whole journey - it's still so much drudgery. It does get better (although obviously another baby will delay that improvement) but even with two it does get better. I have two and my life is fun now.

There is lots of thinking to do. You don't have to have this baby. You can adopt or terminate. But if neither seems right to you then you have to focus on yourself and what you need to get through. It sounds to me as though you are doing a great job of brining up DD, putting her needs first all this time. But you will actually need some support to and some time to refind yourself and gear up for the next challenge. It will get better - eventually. And you still have options.

I understand your fear. But I'd like to offer some positivity. I was a single mum to two children. In the begining I struggled. Now they are both school age, both a lot more independent and I love been a Mum. It won't always be easy, but a time will come when they sleep through. Clean their own teeth. Help you tidy up. Goto school and eventually pull on you less and less. You won't always be alone either, you have the chance of a new relationship which could lead to a loving family unit and lots of support for you. So if your against abortion and adoption please remember there are women who was just as terrified as you, I never thought I would make it through and I did.

Also could u get the Dad more involved, my children now goto their Dad's every weekend and that's my time. Have u considered 2 year funding? That would give your eldest time to play and be creative at nursery and you can get on with things a bit more. My youngest went to nursery from age 2 for 2 full days a week. I got the house work done and had time to myself.

I promise you it does get better, you will find your feet and feel stronger then ever at some point. Chin up :)