At my wits end

[DistraughtDaddy]

OK, I've never had to do anything like this before but I need advice. To be clear, I'm a Dad and not a Mum.

When my 30 year marriage ended 7 years ago, I got involved with a younger woman. We had a great relationship in all ways and have two wonderful children. Ten months ago, when our daughter was only 13 weeks old, she upped and left stating that she didn't see a future for us as a reason. We'd been trying to organize our wedding at the time. I was devastated, distraught, sick to my stomach. Still am.

She moved 170 miles away from where we lived at the time. I went to pieces. I love my children more than life and just can't be a distant, part-time Father. Fortunately my employers are very sympathetic and have allowed my to move close (20 mins walk) and work from home. I love her to bits, even after she has broken up our family.

During the past ten months I've found out that she had been cheating on me throughout or relationship, even while pregnant with our second. She was contacted by an ex a few months before she left and he indicated that he was still interested in her and happy to take on our children. I think that was the catalyst for her moving. As it has transpired, the greener grass was full of sh1T and it looks like it is going nowhere.

We have remained on very good terms. Pointless upsetting the children unnecessarily and getting lawyers involved. I see her and our children on almost a daily basis but mainly because it suits her to do her studies or go to the gym. We kiss hello and goodbye. We sometimes sit and watch TV after the children have gone to bed. We do family things quite often too. As I need to see her and our children as much as possible, I bend over backwards to do anything I can to see as much of them but I know she has me over a barrel because if I don't, I know I will end up seeing less of the children and I am just about coping with the situation as it is.

I can't bear not being a full time Father. Not being there in the mornings when they get up and being there for dinner, baths and book reading before bedtime is eating away at me. I feel an abject failure and that I have let my children down so, so badly. My heart is truly broken. The thing that I really can't cope with is the thought of some other man stepping into my shoes. It is my worst nightmare and does give me sleepless nights.

Up until two weeks ago, I knew that she had had casual sex a few times over the past ten months. She joined a dating site and has had a couple of dates. Last night, after only a brief chat on the site and never meeting the guy, she invited him to stay the night and play happy families with our children today. I'm distraught. How can she do this to our children? Are they going to be subjected to meeting every one-night-stand she has in her bed? Does anyone else find this sickening? Is this the right way to bring up children?

The thing is, I love her so much that it hurts but I also hate her so much it hurts. I have no idea what to do now. I feel trapped and helpless because if I rock the boat, I'll end up seeing less of our children. Conversely, if she does find someone and starts a stable relationship, I'll see less of my children ..... and that is a pain I couldn't tolerate.

It all sounds awful for you - but I have to ask - how do you know this?

Last night, after only a brief chat on the site and never meeting the guy, she invited him to stay the night and play happy families with our children today

Were you standing over her reading?

Bringing strange men to the house is a child protection issue in the making and you may need to now go downs legal route to formally arrange access. You need to get your head around not being with her and remember you will always be their dad. Do they come and stay at your house? You need to start to detach. If she wanted to be with you she would not be dating other men. It must be so hard, you sounds nice but naive. A chat with a family lawyer needed, random men in the home is bad for your kids.

It is immaterial. Why do you ask? Ah, I see. You jump to conclusions which I suppose must be only to be expected on here.

Ah, I see. Here we go

You seem very over involved in her life. If you aren't together why are you being told all this information. You sound like an utter doormat tbh.

I was going to ask the same thing as Far not to see if you were snooping to see if you knew that this had actually happened (not just hearsay/worse expectations)

Distraught please don't start lashing out. You are obviously upset and people on here are fantastic with advice.
You do need to start to detach though and formalise contact for all your sakes. Then you can build a proper relationship in your own home and not be torn apart. It's not going anywhere so why torture yourself?

You need to separate your feelings for her from your need to be with your children.

She's been very clear that she doesn't want to be with you and you have to detach and move on. Would 50/50 access work for you? Or more?

What do you want to happen, if you take 'getting back with my ex' out of the equation?

OP,

Farfrom wasn't getting at you. What she was asking was the question that begs to be asked from your post, which is 'Why do you know so much about her personal life, quite detailed stuff about her sex life that would normally remain private, especially to an ex'... that's what I was wondering at too. The implication of that is that you have 'too much information' here. Either she is feeding this painful information to you - which seems extremely manipulative and hurtful, or you are super-involved in her life which doesn't seem healthy.

This situation is not just a 'children' issue. It is doubly complicated by the fact that despite being horribly dumped, you are still in love with her and hoping (?) to get back together, when she has obviously moved on. It may be that you are still in a very raw state, where boundaries are blurred and you are looking to your ex for emotional help. Frankly, given her recent actions, she is the last persons to rely on for that.

Jumping to conclusions, it ain't.

Talk to her about the "uncles issue" because yes having a succession of strange men filing in and out will be detrimental to the children and yes it could be a child protection issue.

Suggest to her that you have the children overnight when she wants to see her men friends. I think you should able to persuade her that this is also in her bests interests, because any decent man would bin her if she involves her children from the off in playing happy families.

Do you work, OP? Being a full-time father is unusual wording. Are you out of work and want the children to live with you full time? If you work and fought your ex for custody ( I presume she would fight) would you make the necessary changes to your work schedule?

OP, you need to forget about her sex life. You are far too involved and preoccupied in what she's up to. What you do is apply for some kind of 50/50 shared custody. It may mean cutting down your work hours, or perhaps going part time. Taking care of the children the way you want demands sacrifices and that often means your job/career. I've even heard of some parents working out a 1 week on, 1 week off system.

You really need to get your head out of your ex's business though because that is totally separate to wanting to spend more time with your kids. Complaining about your ex's behaviour as though implying she's an unfit mother is not the way to go about this because it comes across as abusive. Take a pro-active approach, get a lawyer and say you want 50% of the responsibility for these children.

I'm really surprised that "bringing strange men into the house" is seen as a child protection issue.
I mean, I agree that it is because men can be dangerous and you never know what kind of erratic shit they're going to pull next. But a single father would easily get away with "bringing strange women into the house" as long as he was discreet, couldn't he?
It just baffles me that women are shafted from both angles. They are beaten with the equality stick when the father happens to want access or control over the children, but their social lives and behavior are held to much higher standards.

But this is a man she had never met in person invited to stay! Bit different from a known partner or every a one night stand when the kids are with dad. But different if you read the OP

Meeting a stranger online and inviting them to stay when the kids are there is an issue for a man or a woman in my opinion.

Plus 'invited him to stay and play happy families with the kids today' not so discreet.

You could not stop her from seeing other men while you were in a relationship, you certainly can't stop her now.
Detach and formalise regular contact, where you can and will be there for bedtimes, breakfast etc.
Your relationship with your children does not have to be tied in with your relationship with their mother.
You deserve more than being thrown scraps from someone who does not want you.
In time, you should start to accept you are no longer part of a traditional, nuclear family and form your own routines and traditions with your children, the 3 of you. You sound lovely and eventually I'm sure you will find someone else to share those routines and traditions you have formed

Great post Faith.

We had a great relationship in all ways

But you didn't. It wasn't what it appeared.

I don't blame you for engineering a transfer and relocating to be near your children. You have their best interests at heart and are happy to have what crumbs of family life she lets you have. But you can't dictate her choice of sexual partners nor her habits. Much as it pleases you that she didn't in the end get with her ex, she still doesn't want you back.

You weren't married, are you on the children's birth certificates? I would suggest you do seek legal advice to see what you can do if for example she takes the children to live abroad. As you are on good terms with her there is little to be gained by challenging her on the topic of overnight stays and everything to lose. Whatever else she is, you haven't said she is otherwise a poor or neglectful mother. In any case I would gradually stop the cosy contact with her beyond those hours when the children are present and try to put some more formal arrangements in place. Because if she does meet someone who is genuine and keen to take a positive role in the children's lives, it will be better to have an established pattern of contact.

she had been cheating on me throughout or relationship, even while pregnant with our second

Do you know for sure that the children are both yours?
Not that it would make that much difference but it might be worth checking that out!

She is using you, pure and simple.
Stop being her door mat.
That is unattractive to most women.

Please start to disengage for her. You shouldn't be there all the time.
It's just not right.
You should have your access and that's it. Not in her home.

You may now need to go down the legal route.
Having random men she has never met over to stay with kids in the house is just not on. Social Services might want to hear about that.