Feeling terrified...advice required pls

[Homely1]

I have posted before and to many, this may seem straightforward. I'm grateful to all who have posted on my threads before. I'm separated with a young DC. DC, DH and I would see each other together. DH then wanted time alone with DC; this was arranged but DH did not take it and went AWOL, only to return at a later date with accusations that I have been holding DC. DH has made threats of court. I responded to these accusations but I have not heard and suggested that we should be amicable. Should I chase? If I don't, he may say that I'm still holding DC and if I do, I open a can of worms. I do not feel that he understands what putting DC first means.

I feel terrified as he has been EA, is manipulative and lies a great deal. There is complete denial of events. I am frightened of DC going into an environment which is deceitful. Moreover, DH words do not say that he is putting DC first/acting in DC interest. DH does not ask after DC but now DH acting all doting on days that suit DH. It's all about DH.

I'm terrified that he'll want joint access...DH is approximately 50 mins away, DC is settled. Could he get it?

Legal advice said I should chase given no reply. Should I?

This may be simple to some perhaps but I can't seem to function.

I'm not surprised you feel stuck when he's been so EA with you.

It's very unlikely that he'd get 50/50 with a young child. Usual provision is one weekday evening and every other weekend.

Can you communicate with him by email and text only in order to keep proof that you've been reasonable? This will also allow you time to compose a calm response and not feel pressured or threatened in the moment to say anything.

Do you think he genuinely wants to build a relationship with DC or is he just doing it to punish you?

I really do not know... A bit of both. The EA received was also from other family members. Is chasing for a response going to force his hand as he'll have to appear obliging to contact?

Anyone up?

You responded to his accusations (along the lines of, I presume, 'I'm not preventing contact) and you've suggested you both be amicable. Was that in an email or text? If so, there's your proof. I suggest you keep a record of all plans made that he cancelled, and emails all the way.

Sorry, not too clear. Is he threatening to take you to court? Actually, this is not a bad thing. Firstly, he probably doesn't mean it and it's an idle threat to get you to do what he wants or just upset you. Secondly, if it does go to court, you can agree a reasonable arrangement, highly unlikely to be 50 50. It would be sensible to write down what you have offered and arranged and how he didn't take you up on it, so that if it does go to court you can give full details. I can't see any reason for you to chase him up if he isn't pursuing it, just keep a record of all conversations and when he doesn't do what he says he's going to.

Thank you. It was the once that it was arranged and he went AWOL. Then later, it's been joint meetings again. Then he wrote with lies thus I thought documenting lies. Tall, yes that is what I said in writing.

How old is your child?

How often does your ex want to see him?

Be careful about going down the court route. If your dh sees your son regularly and your son is older there is nothing to stop the judge awarding him more contact than he currently gets.

Although you say he was abusive to you the courts will have no evidence of this and will only look at the facts.

DC is 2 and currently, not had contact alone, but sees weekly. That's the thing with abuse- they get away with it. I'm stuck- don't know if I should chase re contact alone as DH made this an issue and threatened court yet hasn't responded when I asked what he wishes for.

Is it worth giving Womens Aid a call? I'm concerned that legal advice you have had may have been through a filter of "this man is a normal human being" and not an abuser.

I agree with a call to WA or seeing a solicitor with expertise in dealing with EA.

I wouldn't 'chase' him, it's what he wants so he can keep you on tenterhooks. It feeds his ego. If he wants to see the child let him contact you, then offer contact (in writing) at a time and place convenient to both of you and when/if he didn't show or he cancels I'd email a simple 'You missed/cancelled prearranged contact on XX date at XX time. If you wish to make arrangements for another time, please email me'. Use the same language one would use if someone missed a business appointment. A simple statement of facts. Let him be the one to initiate contact. And keep it in writing.

Remember that you could bend over backwards to make it convenient for him and he will still paint you as difficult because that is his modus operandi. If he writes you with lies, reply that he is 'mistaken' and 'XXX did not happen that way' or 'I did not say that'. Just a simple rebuttal. He can 'say' whatever he likes. His word holds no more weight in a court of law than yours does, if it should come to that.

The thing with EA is that the abuser makes you feel as if you are worth nothing and they are much 'better' than you, so you feel that 'if 'Bastard' says I'm obstructing contact they will believe him, not me'. Please don't think that way.

Thank you so much for your words and taking the time to stop by. It really helps. The way he behaves, he has anyone feeling sorry for him. He manipulates facts. Lies really quite atrociously. Court is scary....what would a judge rule? Though I understand that a child has rights to both parents, what if one behaves as he does? I feel damned if I chase and damned if I don't. I know I'm over thinking but I think it's due to past behaviour/ things that have been said/the way he has made me feel. I'm very scared. How do women's aid help, other than providing a very valuable listening ear?

How do intackle someone who behaves this way and always paints me negatively, lies and manipulates? Although his words are as good as mine, he's a good victim-player.

Plus I do not want to do anything that makes me look stupid/ non obliging if this goes to court

OH God sorry completely the wrong thread will report myself - massive apologies.

I think you don't actually 'tackle' him. You back away. You 'neutralize'. It goes along with not chasing, if you see what I mean.

With an EA, we are very used to being 'proactive' to avoid the abuse. We try to stay 'one jump ahead' hoping we can keep them 'please with us'. Then when that doesn't work (and it never does since they won't be pleased) we become 'reactive' and do all we can do smooth them over. You see how insidious they are? No matter which way we jump, it's never the right way. So the only thing we can to is NOT jump.

So all you can do is wait. If he does contact you to see the child, remember first that he can no longer control you. Then just respond (not react) to his request. Just the same as you would if I called you to go to lunch. Yes, that suits me or no, that doesn't suit me. You must strive to keep emotions and fear out of your response. You won't look stupid or non-obliging if all you do is acting in the interest of the child (with a little nod to your own convenience).